


There's a road we must travel.

by justlovebt



Series: All roads lead back to you. The Dandelion Series [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arranged Marriage, F/F, Fairy Tale Elements, Femslash, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Neverland (Peter Pan), One True Pairing, Past Child Abuse, Romance, Torture, True Love, first in a series, pixie dust, trigger-warning for later episodes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-02
Updated: 2014-01-23
Packaged: 2017-12-31 07:06:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 59,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1028724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justlovebt/pseuds/justlovebt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Tinker Bell had joined the group in their quest to find a way off the island?</p><p>When the group stumbles upon Neal  in their search for Henry in Neverland, they are afraid he is a mere vision. Tinker Bell quickly figures out a way for them to find out.</p><p>But the powder used in the Fairy`s plan has a mind of its own…</p><p>As does Emma`s heart apparently.</p><p>A Swan Queen Story.</p><p>"Now on the other side of the bargain, Emma did not find the sparks so tiny, or amusing for that matter. She felt her eyes widen and found herself unable to move as they raced towards her, threatening to collide with her chest."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. There's a road we must travel

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from the show ' Once upon a Time'. I wish I did, but I don't think I have a Fairy Godmother.
> 
> A-N1: This was supposed to become a one-off... A little fluffy, humorous piece of a scene I saw in my head. And then, as tends to happen with my stories, it got a mind of its own, and grew into so much more. So I decided to make it into a series. Angst- and Trigger-warnings apply for upcoming updates, but I tried to keep this one as light as I could...
> 
> A-N 2: The title is a sentence from a song of the musical ' Hairspray' called ' I know where I've been'

_**There is a road, we must travel.** _

 

Emma`s eyes widened as the man came into view, his slumped shoulders oddly familiar and for a moment she felt like lowering the sword in her hand. She sensed Snow behind her left shoulder, the arrow still ready and pointed at the man whose face they couldn`t see. On the other side, close by, was Regina, the fireball in her hand warming, and oddly enough comforting, the blonde.

Had she not been so worried for Henry the moment they had boarded the Jolly Roger, Emma would have laughed at the bunch of misfits, so unlikely to ever be able to work together. But here they were. A royal couple, a pirate, a Fairy, a savior and an Evil Queen. And somehow they were managing. Hell, maybe they were doing even more than just manage. They had a plan to get to Henry. They had Tinkerbell’s help. The only thing they needed was a way off the island.

Emma saw how David and Hook approached from the sides, effectively surrounding the man they had come across in their wanderings. He seemed too old to be a lost boy. It was strange, the pang of recognition she felt, entwined with the pang of regret in her heart. For the man she had lost before she had a chance to… Before Henry had a chance get to know his father.

Exactly at the moment that thought had entered her mind the man looked up, and the sharp intake of air she took fell together with his gasp. Her heart pounded, rapidly, as if it was going to exit her chest any moment now.

‘Emma?’

‘Neal?’

She had dropped her sword and taken a tentative step before a hand, -rough and gentle at the same time- grasped her shoulder.

‘This is Neverland, dear, not all is what it seems.’

The deep timbre in Regina`s voice made Emma put the sword up again without hesitation. She was so used to the other woman right now, Henry`s other mother. So she didn`t find it odd that, even without as much as a glance in her direction, she could already perfectly describe her expression just by hearing her voice.

“Neal” held up his hands in defeat, his eyes focused on Emma. His boyish smile almost made her lower her weapon again. But the part of her upper arm, where Regina`s hand had shortly rested, still burned with the touch, reminding her of the brunette`s true words. This could be a trap. It must be one. There was no other way. She had seen Neal slip through the portal. She had seen him get shot.

Maybe it was the doubt in her eyes, or the many weapons, from sword to arrow, pointed at him, but he, softly and rapidly, started to talk. About how he had gotten to The Enchanted Forest. How he had found help. How he had found out Emma was in Neverland, and had guessed it was because of Henry.

‘This is Henry`s father?’

Tinkerbell, the only one not holding a weapon, had observed the whole scene from a short distance, but now seemed interested enough to approach.

Not lowering her bow, it was Snow who gave the description, maybe –no definitely- with more praise than he deserved. But then again, she was Snow White, and with recent events in mind, the picture Emma had painted of their history together might have been a little brighter than it had been in reality.  But before she could say anything, -“Neal”’s eyes lighting up at Snow White words, and catching hers with an incredulous glimpse in them, which made her almost drop her sword again- Tinkerbell actually _squealed_ in joy.

Emma blinked. Up until now, she hadn`t found the woman very Fairy-like. Maybe it was her lack of wings or tiny size, but she was quite used to that in Nova and Blue. No, more likely it had been the resentful gazes she had thrown in Regina`s direction. Regina`s smoldering look when she had said that they had had a complicated history, making Emma think of stolen kisses and hastily abandoned lovers. But now, when the woman`s shrieked, high-pitched and utterly joyful, and made her –and, she sensed with a slight smile, Regina behind her- cringe, there was no doubt about it. Fairy-material, alright.

‘Oh, I know just what to do, have just the thing! Where did I… Ah! There it is.’

Before Emma realized it, the woman –or Fairy, or whatever- had wormed her way in between Mary Margaret and Regina, and took her hand, holding a small pinch of what looked like some sort of powder in her fingers.

‘ What is that?’

Emma heard her voice pitch a little in panic, and she missed the warmth and comfort of the two women behind her, even though they were still there.

‘Why, Pixie Dust of course.’

When the Fairy placed the stuff in her hand, Emma found herself shrugging. She should have figured the Fairy wouldn`t chose this time to reveal some sort of coke or PCP addiction. The small intake of air behind her followed by a moan, made Emma think of Regina rolling her eyes at Tinkerbell`s antics. The mental image made her smile, and the powder –Pixie-dust apparently- in her hand instantly came alive.

When the Fairy’s hand finally let go of hers, she wanted to sigh with relieve. But when she felt it, instead, at the small of her back, she had to instead suppress a growl of protest.

‘ Just look at him.’

The blonde whispered the words in her ear and it made her shiver. Not in a good way. Not like when a lover would do it. But the shiver seemed to evoke a rush of wind, passing, tugging at their clothes. Plucking, quite efficiently, the powder, -that had now started to act like miniature fireworks in the palm of her hand- into the air.

She watched it, as it seemed to form an illuminated path she couldn`t take her eyes off of. A path, she knew, with every fiber of her being, she would have to follow wherever it went. And it seemed to rush straight to Neal.

The man, widening his eyes, took a hesitant step back at the sparkling, crackling stars heading in his direction, and for a moment Emma felt like laughing at his ridiculous expression. But then, right before reaching the man, the tiny stars turned in midair and found their way back.

Now on the other side of the bargain, Emma did not find the sparks so tiny, or amusing for that matter. She felt her eyes widen and found herself unable to move as they raced towards her, threatening to collide with her chest. But once again, at the last possible moment, the lights changed of direction and missed her. But like JUST missed her.

The breath of relieve that was ready to escape her, was cut off by a sharp intake of air behind her.

‘ Miss Swan! What in the name of…’

But Regina never got a chance to finish that sentence, for the little sparks of Pixie Dust attacked her as a dog would its long lost owner.

Emma slapped her hand before her mouth, the man behind her momentarily forgotten, at the sight of Regina trying to fight off the tiny stars, which seemed magnetically drawn to her. Her eyes were wide with surprise and something that resembled fear, and the high pitch in her voice when she had uttered the name Emma had grown to love to hate (or hate to love, she wasn`t sure about that) had almost resembled the Fairy`s.

From the corner of her eye, she saw her mother, the arrow still ready, catch a glimpse of the Queen, trying to escape from the twinkling lights, and for a moment she saw something ungraspable pass through those hazel eyes, before the woman pressed together her lips and snorted, trying to prevent the inevitable giggle to escape.

Emma was glad that, when she looked behind her, she saw Hook and David have a good hold on “Neal”, because her mother doesn`t look particularly steady at the moment. And, Emma herself, the sword useless at her feet, was trying to use all her strength to not burst out in full-on laughter.

Maybe it was the unexpected question that did it. Tinkerbell (she still couldn`t _think_ that name without smirking) with her eyes now big and innocent, asking her if, perhaps, she had a Lion Tattoo.

Maybe it was Regina, her head snapping up at the sound of the question, screaming something that sounded very much like ‘Tink!’ which coincided with her own answer which was somewhere along the lines of ‘Actually it’s a dandelion, but sure, close enough… Hey, how the hell do you know that?’

Maybe it was Regina, who had moments before been jumping around, hopping from one foot to another, obviously contemplating throwing a fireball at one of the bigger, more persistent of the sparks, freezing at the moment she heard Emma`s words, and catching her gaze right at the moment the little flames caught up with her.

Maybe it was Regina, throwing herself down and squealing and, it took Emma a while to recognize, _giggling_ as if she was tickled by a giant hand (or multiple small ones).

Or maybe it was their combination that sent her over the edge, but she felt the joy explode in her abdomen when the deep sound of the laughter found its way out. Her body convulsing with the warmth of it. Her knees buckling with the force of it.

It must have been only a few minutes, maybe even less, but Emma already knew she would never forget this moment, the way the sparks enlightened Regina`s face, the way that face relaxed now its owner temporarily seemed to have lost control. And she sure as hell wouldn’t ever let Regina forget it. She kind of found herself wishing she had a camera, because this would make one hell of a You-Tube entry for her to bother the brunette with.

And, even though she still didn’t care for the squealing, she couldn`t do anything else than agree wholeheartedly with Tinkerbell`s next words.

‘This is just _amazing_!’

But then, it was over.

Regina, jumped to her feet and brushed of her clothes, the gesture so ‘ Madame Mayor’ that it made Emma inhale deeply, trying to hide her broad, broad smile.

And failing miserably.

‘I`m glad you find this so amusing, Miss Swan.’

There was something in the tone. In the pulling back of the shoulders. But it was only when she caught deep brown eyes that she captured what it was that made her feel as if someone had just thrown a bucket of iced water over her head.

Regina was hurt.

Genuinely, truthfully, hurt.

And terrified.

The brunette broke their fleeting contact quickly, as if she could not stand to look the other woman in the eye and marched, her long strides filled with confidence once more, to the man whose identity they doubted.

Snow was the first and only quick enough to respond, her exasperated gasp followed by a begging for Regina to stop, filled the silence. But the former Queen already had plunged her hand inside the man`s chest.

Emma saw Neal`s breathing halt, his eyes widen with fear, but by the time they had started to come to their senses, Regina`s hand already fell next to her body again. Empty. And Emma realized it had never been the brunette’s intention to take his heart, even before she heared the words.

‘ It’s him.’

The sound of the voice is heavy and deep, and as Emma watched the woman walk away from the clearing, as everyone around her welcomed Henry’s father in their midst, the blonde could not shake that strange feeling in the pit of her stomach.

Because despite the fact that she has just found out that someone she loves, someone she thought had died, is still alive… Despite the fact that now, with Neal, they will have a way to read the map of stars and constellations he created and actually get off this island… Despite the fact that now they have a lot more reason to be hopeful and happy... Emma felt like, suddenly, there was –really- nothing more to smile about.

 

...


	2. I know where I've been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina and Tinker Bell talk about what happened and Emma ventures a guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N: A short update from Regina's POV... That woman sure likes to storm off after she makes a point, but maybe she will improve one day ;)
> 
>  
> 
> A-N 2; Chapter-title inspired by the Hairspray song.

 

 

Chapter 2:  I know where I’ve been.

 

Regina sat, head in hands, on the fallen tree when she heard her approach. Once upon a time, the sound of the light step of the Fairy had filled her with joy. Now it only made her feel more depleted of... Everything…

As soon as the Pixie Dust had come in her direction, she had known. It had been like a wonderful explosion of all the feelings she had kept hidden in her heart for so long.

How she had felt the first time they had met, looking across her garden path, seeing the blonde stand there so awkwardly. How excited she had felt, for the first time in so many years challenged again. How desire had run through her when she had seen those capable hands handling a chainsaw. But also… How she had almost pulled the blonde in for a kiss, before the other woman would go down the mineshaft to safe their son. How even Graham, whose heart she had possessed, had felt and acted on, her undeniable (Inexplicable! Unforgivable!) attraction to one Miss Emma Swan.

She had handled her feelings the only way she had been able to, hiding, avoiding, lashing out when the blonde came too close or when her own emotions ran particularly high.

She grimaced at the thought of a fist-fight and how it had affected her…

Sometimes, she had thought to have seen something flicker in the turquoise eyes as well. But, she had always known the curse would break and had never found the courage to do what she wanted. To grab the woman in the crook of her neck and just kiss her senseless.

And then, the curse  _had_  broken. And even though Emma was not as bad as the others, Regina had only been able to admit to herself  _what exactly_ she had been afraid of when the look in the green eyes had appeared. So certain she had been the one to kill the cricket. The complete loss of faith and something that resembled care in those deep emerald eyes.

_Oh, DAMN it._

Regina closed her eyes and swallowed, the pain of the memories overwhelming her when she sensed  how the Fairy calmly sat down. They were closer than they had been since Regina had taken her own heart and had pushed it in Tinker Bell’s hands. That time Regina had gotten the answer to her question on how Tink could have changed so much. The answer she already should have known.

‘ Well… That was… unexpected…’

Her voice was light, almost as if she was commenting on the weather and not something as potentially life-altering as true love. Restlessness pushed Regina up and away from the Fairy’s warm proximity, as she started to pace by the side, the length, of the tree. With her long strides, it wasn`t much. 5, 6 steps and back again. But she kept repeating the movement, as if it would take away some of the ache which, dully, throbbed in her chest.

‘ What on earth possessed you…’

‘You are not the Queen anymore, Regina, neither are you my friend. I’m here to talk to you, but if you start with insults all I have to do it get up and leave. I’m here to help, all of you, to get your son and in exchange for that, you are going to take me with you to… this ‘Storybrooke’ place. That’s the deal.’

It seemed like the Fairy wanted to say more, but thought better of it. Regina, who had frozen in mid-step at the forceful words her former friend uttered, now slowly set down her foot, giving the body part more attention that it actually required in an attempt to hide the hurt the words had caused. It was true. She wasn`t Queen anymore. And… She had no friends. She was only part of the group, (no,  _tolerated_  in the group) because her skills could proof to be useful in the fight against Pan. She knew that. She didn’t deceive herself in thinking otherwise… At least, most of the time.

The silence was heavy and Regina surprised herself in her urge to break it. The words came out, almost a whisper and so much more vulnerable than the former Evil Queen ever had wanted them to sound.

‘ So, then, if you’re not my friend, and I am not your Queen, why are you here? Why do you want to help me?’

Mossy green eyes looked into her dark ones, seemed to penetrate her and look straight into her heart.

‘ Because I know what it’s like to live your life without true love…’

The pain, so clearly visible in the Fairy’s eyes, almost made Regina gasp, but before she could say anything, before she could ask anything, the heavy sound of boots pull her attention away from the conversation.

‘Hey…’

She turned, unable to do anything else. Emma’s voice like that of a Siren called to her, made her shiver as if the sound equaled a touch and she heard Tinker Bell giggle behind her. Their eyes met and Regina was surprised to see an apology written in the turquoise. The eloquence of Emma’s eyes always had fascinated Regina, made her dizzy, but now, now that the Pixie Dust had confirmed what her heart had been screaming for so long, it felt like their effect was even stronger. She felt Emma’s hoarse chuckle vibrate through her.

‘So, what does this nuclear fairy powder do, eh? Find the one who wants to strangle me the most or something?’

Regina heard Tinker Bell clear her throat while her mind saw the opportunity. Quickly she searched the other faces for a size of recognition, for a sign of any of their owners knowing the purpose the Fairy had intended. And, when she didn’t find it, she quickly cut off what she knew would have been Tinker Bell’s next words. The explanation she didn’t want anyone to hear.

‘ Leave it to you to find the most crude way to put it in words, Miss Swan, but surprisingly, for once, you are right.’

Striding, again, away from the group as if she could not spend a moment longer in Emma’s presence, Regina felt the constriction in her chest telling her that that, actually, was more than true.

But not at all for the reason, she had just made the blonde believe.

 

TBC


	3. Touch me, it's so easy to leave me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma chooses to confront Regina rather than someone else, leading to an unexpected situation. Lots of Swan Queen interaction in this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N1: Regina and Emma's POV will alternate, so each upcoming chapter will have each of their POV's.
> 
> A-N2: Chapter-title inspired by the Cat's song: Memories

 

 

**_Chapter 3: Touch me, It's so easy to leave me (all alone with the memory, of my days in the sun)_ **

 

The puppy dog eyes following her every move, were annoying. Emma had gotten used to Hook’s drooling glances, but now, with Neal’s stares added to the mix, she felt like there was just a little too much canine attention on her, thank you very much. Thank god or whoever was his fairytale counterpart, the men would soon go on their quest for that silly star-reading thing and she wouldn`t have to be around them for a while.

Emma glanced up to find Regina returning with some dry wood and smiled her welcome, oddly hurt to see the woman flinch and, dropping the sticks in the clearing, turn to immediately follow the same path she had just emerged from. She glanced back. Neal and Hook were busy arguing what was the best way up the mountain, David looked like he was about to throw up at the sight of them (although, lately, it seemed he permanently wore that expression) and Snow was chattering away with a very Fairy Tinker Bell. It was strange, the Fairy still had her dark moments, but Emma could have sworn she saw her look at Regina at times with pity in her eyes.

She snorted at the thought of what Regina would do to the other woman if she ever caught such a glance and looked again at Tinkerbell, who was touching Snow’s forearm and, now, pulled her into a hug as if the pixie haired woman was her long-last mother…

_Oh…_

Where had that thought come from? Trying to deny the stinging sadness in her chest, Emma looked again at the path Regina had taken to get as far away from her as possible. And she felt how the heavy feeling behind her sternum was replaced by the tingly one of annoyance.

Now,  _that_  she could work with.

She might have taken a slight beeline just to hear the twigs ‘Madame Mayor’ had collected snap under her feet before following the other woman into the woods.

…

For the umpteenth time in the last days, Regina found herself sitting on a fallen tree. It felt as if there was some sort of symbolism she was missing, but she didn’t have the energy or the desire to think it through. It was like, since the Pixie Dust had confirmed them, there was no way to hide from the feelings roaring in her chest. As if they had exploded, expanded, multiplied and sometimes Regina thought her heart would simply burst with the emotion it had filled itself with.

Every time she looked at the blonde, her breath caught in her throat. And her heart and stomach were doing odd little things like jump or somersault, every time Emma smiled or rolled her eyes. She had found herself, more than once, saying things under her breath, just loud enough for the other woman to hear them, just to make either of those expressions appear.

_It was pathetic, really._

She hid her head in her hands and shook it, but jumped up when she heard the voice close behind her.

‘What’s wrong with you, lady?’

The breathless thing was rather unfortunate when one wanted nothing more than to make a snide remark in response to harshly spoken words. Before she had inhaled enough oxygen to actually say something, Emma had already reached her, her face tight with anger and close, so close to her own.

‘Ever since… I dunno, ever since Neal came back you are treating me like I have the plague or something. What is it? I thought we were getting along, you know, doing better…’

The sentence had started out forceful, but the last words were spoken softly and with an insecure vulnerability that made Regina’s heart ache. She wanted nothing more than to reach out, cup those blushed cheeks in her hands and pull the woman in for a reassuring kiss. But instead she balled her hands into fists, allowing her long nails to dig, deep, into the sensitive skin of her palms.

Pain…

Pain to remind her who she was, what she was, what she deserved and what she sure as hell did not.

Whether it was the pain in her hands or the one in her heart that gave her the strength she did not know, but she found her voice had the edge she was used to, when she was finally able to let the words pass her lips.

‘You give yourself too much credit, Miss Swan, I am simply trying to stay away from your mother’s excessive need to show that overtly grown Firefly affection.’

She had turned around when she spoke, trying to distract herself from how much the presence of the blonde effected her by picking up some pieces of dry wood. It took an embarrassing amount of time for her to recognize the silence for what it meant. Maybe it was for the time she had spent alone the last year, so easy it had been and yet so agonizingly hard to slip back into the routine of loneliness she had endured for so long, of the pretence of regal disregard for the feelings of any other human being. She had, once, been good at it, until a little boy had broken through her defenses. And now, rapidly, his mother was doing the same.

The glance back, when she finally realized the absence of a witty retort or even the simple snort she had come so used to, was natural and unavoidable. But she reprimanded herself mentally when she, also automatically, took a step towards the blonde when she saw the tears glistering on her cheeks before Emma looked away.

‘I…’

She had meant to utter an apology, but found the words stuck in her throat when Emma’s eyes found hers again. The fire and sadness combined creating such beauty it overwhelmed her. She struggled to remember what she had said that could cause such distress, and then, when she did, she immediately understood.

‘ Oh…’

Strangely, that word seemed enough to show her understanding. To extinguish the last of the fire, of the fight, in those emerald eyes, filling with liquid once more. Regina dug her nails so deep into her skin she was sure she’d draw blood, but she could not think of another way to refrain herself from stepping in and pressing the other woman close to her.

She hardly trusted her voice and cleared her throat, the explanation, no matter how flimsy, would maybe take away some of the pain so clearly visible in Emma’s eyes. The pain Regina knew so well. Seeing her mother place a thoughtless hand on a friend’s forearm, see the King praise and hug Snow White…

_No, don’t think about that now…_

 And more recently, Henry, so free with his affection towards the woman in front of her and so free with his hatred towards her. Yes, Regina understood the push and pull, the being reluctant to show how much you yearned to be loved. The pain when you see others share their feelings so easily.

‘Fairies charge their magic from physical affection.’

_Where had that come from?_

The snort, albeit somewhat more wet than usual, was her reward for the unbidden comment, Regina guessed. She had wanted to explain, say something comforting, maybe give some advice. Also she wanted to march into that clearing and wring Snow White’s neck (but what else was new?) for hurting Emma (well, there was the ‘new’ part).

‘ Yeah, I guess you’d know, wouldn’t you?’

The watery half-smile of mischief Emma offered almost reduced Regina to a puddle right then and there, and it took her some time to find the indignant tone she was going for.

‘Miss Swan! What are you suggesting?’

Emma now laughed and although the tears still adorned her cheeks, Regina felt the tight hand constricting her windpipe loosen its grip slightly.

‘You two have a “complicated history”, her eyes shoots daggers every time she looks at you and now you are telling me she “charges”  her energy with “physical affection”?’

Emma’s tone was so suggestive, that Regina felt her body respond. Her breathing altered, her mouth turned dry and other parts of her body certainly did NOT. She almost moaned, but her automatic pilot, the defense mechanism she always had in place, saved her.

‘ Miss Swan, if you are suggesting that the Firefly and I had a… sexual… relationship of some sort, I hate to disappoint you. She was merely one of the many I hurt on my path to vengeance.’

She felt dizzy, and (honest to God) almost purred, talking about sexual encounters with Emma Swan. Not something she favored. No… If she would have her way, there would be no such thing as talking…

_Stop it!_

She glanced up to look into those amazing eyes once more, the deep, scarred pain in them making them sparkle sadly, their color closer to turquoise than the earlier hazel.

‘ Don’t we all need it, sometimes, though? To… You know? “Charge”?’

Regina felt her eyes grow wide with amazement. She had always known knights were supposed to be brave, but this White Knight, this stray her son had brought home one day over a year ago, had the oddest kind of courage. How could she stand it to be so vulnerable? Most of all, with her? How could she open up, so completely?

Regina swallowed hard and blinked, trying to hide the tears that were forming.

‘ Why, Miss Swan, is this your eloquent way of asking me to hug you?’

She expected the blonde to laugh, to step back and wipe away her tears, to break the magical connection between them. But instead, she found, the other woman shortly stared at her feet before looking up again, the eyes now swirling in colors she could not even begin to name. Maybe, had Emma only nodded, or simply stepped in, she would have been able to resist. But when the voice, hoarse with emotion, whispered the words, trying to sound casual and failing miserably, Regina knew she was in trouble.

‘ Maybe?’

She consciously had to plan her actions, feeling as if she her heart was racing ahead and her mind had trouble catching up. The words slipped out before she could rationalize. however, the decision already taken by the treacherous organ in her chest.

‘If you tell anyone about this…’

The resigning chuckle broke Regina’s heart.

‘ You will turn me into a toad, I know…’

‘ Actually, I had something better in mind.’

The blonde only raised an eyebrow in question. Taking a tentative step closer, Regina felt herself hesitate. The impact the touch would have on her was something she feared and craved at the same time. But then, she saw those unguarded turquoise, blinking eyes, and suddenly it was the most natural thing in the world to withdraw her nails from her palms and pull the blonde into her arms.

‘I’ll set the Firefly on you.’

The snigger vibrated against her chest, and Regina felt the tears find the crook of her neck, while she pretended to breathe normally. While she acted as if she could not feel the warmth, tingling, entering her body from every small patch of skin that met the blonde’s, following her bloodstream, exploding in her heart. She held the other woman while she wept and patted her shoulder, feigning an indifference she could not help but beg to really feel.

Because she realized that, much too soon, she would have to let her go. 

And then, she would have to make believe that that didn’t break her heart.

_**TBC** _

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are like magic, tell me your price ;)


	4. Weakness in your eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tink tries to force a confession in order to grant a wish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N1: A lot of requests to get rid of Neal LOL Don't worry he wont play a big role in this story. We are starting to head to the darker part of the tale though... Trigger warnings for mentions of different kinds of abuse apply for the rest of the story.
> 
> A-N2: Chapter title from the song Because of You, by Kelly Clarkson

 

 

_**Chapter 4: Weakness in your eyes** _

‘You’re glowing…’

Regina turned around angrily at the dreamy sound of the Fairy’s voice and shot her a glare that, once, would have forced an entire kingdom on its knees. On Tinker Bell however it seemed to have no such effect. The Fairy actually  _giggled_  and approached, as if she had not once been the most feared royal sorceress of her time.

‘ I don’t glow, Miss…’

‘Bell?’

The Fairy helpfully handed her the word she had been struggling to find, but it only infuriated Regina more. Especially when she heard the words that followed under the woman’s breath.

‘ And you  _do_  glow.’

Regina’s exasperated sigh was interrupted by the arrival of Snow and Emma. With the former, holding a lecture (Regina was fairly certain she heard the name ‘Neal’  somewhere in the long line of words) she couldn’t help but smirk when she noticed the latter looking slightly annoyed. She couldn’t blame the blonde for jumping in at their conversation as it was obvious she was trying to get out of her own.

‘So, what are you two bickering about?’

‘ I do  _not_ , Miss Swan, do something as common as  _bicker._  The Firefly merely was trying to make a point I refuse to…’

‘ Acknowledge.’

Shooting another glare in Tinker Bell’s direction as a reward for her unbidden interruption, Regina continued as if the matter had not occurred and simply finished her sentence.

‘Waste my time with.’

The Fairy snorted, the sound not half as charming coming from her as it did when another blonde made a similar one.

‘What were you doing anyway?’

Regina had to hand it to Emma, she was trying. She, obviously, felt the tension and was trying to change the subject. The brunette held up the map in her hand, knowing it would be answer enough. They had decided to take turns trying to make the ink appear again, but neither Snow’s goody-two-shoes- admissions or Emma’s frustrated growls had made anything happen.

The Fairy snorted again, the sound more offensive this time and Regina knew the diversion had failed.

‘You really think you can get that to work? You have to be  _honest,_  in order to do that, Regina. You have to show parts of yourself you  _don’t_ want the world to see. You have to actually be brave enough to be vulnerable. And you can’t do that, can you now,  _Your Majesty?_  Not even for your son.Because you? You are a cowardice, selfish,  _lying_ human being!’

It felt as if the air froze, Snow might have gasped, Emma blinked, but then, for the longest of moments, nobody moved. Tinker Bell’s eyes fixated on her own, narrowing in challenge. She could simply throw a fireball at the Firefly and watch her be roasted, but the thought of the help they needed in order to get Henry back prevented her from moving. Or maybe it was the heavy, aching feeling that had seeped into her heart the moment the woman had spoken the words, that made it seem like the world moved in slow-motion.

‘Hey! This is…’

Emma’s voice, sharp and defending, forced Regina out of her trance. She blinked, caught the turquoise eyes looking at her in concern which brought a surge of emotion she had not anticipated.

‘Ahhh look at that, the savior coming to your rescue… Isn’t that precious,  _Your Majesty?’_

She tried to push back the tears she refused to show and found only anger would allow her to cope.

‘Shut up,  _Firefly.’_

Tinker Bell laughed at her pathetic attempt to stand up for herself. Even she herself had heard the breaking in her voice. She hated it to show such weakness.

‘Is  _that_  the best you can come up with?’

‘You, wingless, terrible, terrible excuse for a Fairy!’

At least the words had come out a little more forceful this time, but she still sounded like a petulant child and maybe she should be glad that she was cut short by Emma. The blonde, somehow, had jumped between them and was separating her from the other woman. She had not even noticed she had approached the insect.

 ‘That’s enough!’

The blonde, looking indeed the part of the savior with her golden hair waving in the wind and her eyes fierce with suppressed anger, glanced from one side to another.

‘You!’

She pointed at Tinker Bell who, to Regina’s immense satisfaction, took a step back at the confrontation with Emma’s temper.

‘You’re really not helping. I thought you said you knew Regina, but the woman you speak of? Not the woman standing there. Because the Regina I know? She would do anything, and then I mean, ANYTHING to get Henry back. You’re not a mother, so you don’t get it, fine, but that also means YOU don’t get to speak about OUR son, you hear?’

The Fairy swallowed and nodded slowly and when mossy green eyes caught Regina’s shortly the former Queen felt nothing but confusion. There was so much emotion in Tinker Bell’s eyes and for a moment Regina remembered how free she had felt with her, how the other woman had pushed her and tried to make her believe. Had this been another one of her tricks? In order for Regina to better herself?

If she was honest, she wasn’t sure what had hurt her more, the Firefly accusing her of all those terrible things, or Emma coming to her defense so rapidly, so… wholeheartedly. And so undeserved…

Because, how could she admit that she loved the child of the woman who she had treated as her arch-nemesis for so long? How could she open up the doors and show the things she had kept hidden? And how could she not if that meant their only way to get to Henry?

She literally gasped when Emma took a step in her direction and found herself, much like the Fairy only moments before, take a step back at the sight of the fierceness in those turquoise eyes.

‘And you, Regina, if there is anything that you can admit that can make that map appear, now would be a great time…’

The words were uttered in what seemed to be a low mutter and the timbre of it resonated in Regina’s abdomen.

She blanked out, maybe even should be grateful that she didn’t  _black_  out, at the sensation, the warmth that rushed through her, the praise and trust she hadn’t deserved, the fear of losing all hope and what it would do to her. She had turned to Evil once, what would the loss of her son do to her now? What would the inevitable rejection of her True Love do to her now?

‘ Why don’t you tell them about how we met,  _Your Maj…_  Regina?’

Tinker Bell’s voice seemed to clear her mind slightly, the annoyance she felt helping to get rid of the cobwebs in her head. The strangest thing was that, when she once again caught the mossy green eyes, the Fairy had seemed to know  _that_  and what she had been thinking.

‘What does that have to do with anything?’

Emma’s confusion was endearing and Regina felt her heart skip a beat when she, once again, caught those turquoise eyes.

‘ Oh, allow the Firefly her fun, she just wants to be proclaimed a hero.’

The light eyes narrowed at Regina’s words, but Emma’s voice had a playful tone under the threatening one, Regina was quite sure only she could hear.

‘ Regina, play nice!’

‘Fine, dear. But I tell you, she just hopes that when I say ‘Tinker Bell is my superhero’ the map will magically will appear…’

She took her time to, dramatically, show the other women the, still blank, paper.

‘ Just tell them…’

‘Fine… But there is not so much to tell.’

The bickering -Regina involuntarily made a face at her own thought, having just admitted that she was indeed capable of such a thing as  _bickering_ \- with Tink somehow cleared her mind, as it always had. Of course, in those years, the banter had been lighthearted and filled with affection, something she wasn’t sure she was capable of any more.

She blinked, urgently suppressing the tears that kept forming in her eyes alongside the memories.

‘Did she really save you?’

Emma crouched, poking in the small fire they had started. –Regina guessed she came in handy there, no need for matches or lighters when you had a fireball-producing Witch on your team, although she wasn’t sure if Snow hadn’t preferred a dragon.-  When she looked up, the flames reflecting in her eyes, Regina couldn’t help but sigh. She quickly played it off by pretending it had been the question evoking the escape of air.

‘She prevented me from crashing after I fell from the balcony of my room at the palace.’

‘EEEENHHH’

The sound Tinker Bell made, not unlike the buzzer in a quiz would make if the given answer is incorrect, made Emma’s eyes widen and Snow White jump, which in turn allowed Regina to smirk.

The Fairy simply shrugged when all eyes were focused on her.

‘ What? I did spent enough time in your silly, non-magical world to know about game-shows. And you’re wrong,  _Your Majesty.’_

Regina couldn’t help but cringe at the mocking use of the title she had never craved. She knew, instantly, instinctively, to what the Fairy was referring. And the answer was also automatic.

‘ I did  _not_ jump… Why would I do such a thing?’

‘ Why indeed, Regina? Tell us about that night!’

‘No!’

Regina’s own eyes widened at the way the word had come out, hoarse, strangled and without a doubt in panic. The thought, image of Leopold forced itself upon her, what he had done, the words he had whispered in her ear. Her throat constricted and the familiar nausea rose, but she clenched her jaws together, swallowing, fighting the urge to turn around and stalk off.

The pained outcry had caused all eyes to be glued to her. She felt them, crawling, under her skin. She met the only ones that were safe enough for her to. The only ones she would, could allow to see her begging. She couldn’t do it and the Fairy had to stop. 

‘Just tell us about the balcony…’

She balled her hands into fists once more, the sensation of her sharp fingernails pressing in her flesh calming her breathing slightly. She closed her eyes, the waves of memories, of nausea, resonating through her with immense speed. Her voice was toneless when she started to talk, as if it did not belong to her.

‘I… It was late. I wanted some fresh air… I liked that balcony, it had a view of my tree…’

The smile was slight and tugged at the corners of her lips as she remembered the comfort it had always given her to watch that tree. The only thing in the palace –in the world- that was truly hers, when even her thoughts and her body were not.

‘I saw something… heard something. So I walked to the edge and I leaned…’

‘ What were you thinking about?’

It was as if waking from a dream, every word she uttered felt like a struggle. Tinker Bell’s voice came from far, far away. She slowly looked up, found the mossy green eyes once more…

And then, it came to her. The thought she had denied to have, even to herself. The most fierce wish she had ever made.

_I wish I would just fall…_

She heard the gasp before realizing it was hers and turned, her shoulders aching with the tension of her realization.

‘You have to say it, Regina…’

‘I thought about falling… I… wanted… to…’

The sounds of shock now uttered, even before she could finish her sentence, were not her own. She had almost forgotten the other two women and a muscle in her neck painfully contracted when her head snapped in their direction.

‘ Oh, Regina.’

The pity in Emma’s eyes was not something she could handle. The pain, fierce and raw, scratched its way up her throat.

‘ Was it really that terrible being married to Father?’

Her head moved again, only to look in the face of the woman whose mere existence had caused her so much pain. The question had not been sharp or judging, and Regina felt the answer fall from her mouth, flat, lifeless, before she could think things through.

‘ Yes.’

 The silence surrounding them was deafening and heavy and brought Regina back to the night she was reliving. The words that had been whispered in her ear.

‘That map doesn’t seem to like me very much…’

Snow’s accepting smirk was accompanied by a nod, causing Regina to look down. She felt the paper slip through her fingers when she saw the ink, clearly visible, on its surface. She hardly had time to form a thought when Emma picked up the parchment and told her she had done it. Later she blamed  _that_ , and the confusion and the memories raging through her for not accusing Snow of making everything about herself.

But right then, she did all what she was capable of.

She stormed off, as apparently in control as she could muster, only to break into a run as soon as she was out of view.

Only then, when she was sure to be out of hearing distance also, she allowed herself to fall to her knees, her body jerking in resistance. The sob that raged through her caused everything inside her to object, and of all the tears she had suppressed only a single burning one escaped her. Echoing through her mind was the reason why she couldn’t cry without immense physical pain, why she could never allow herself the true comfort of tears. Why, even now, the tears were lodged in her throat unable to find their way out.

_‘_ _Now clean yourself up. Wipe away your tears. Because now... you're going to be queen.’_

She convulsed at her deceased mother’s words ringing through her ears and turned, violently vomiting in the Neverland bushes.

TBC

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are magic, name your price


	5. Wishes come true, not free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma questions Tinkerbell and Pan seeks out Regina.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N: I'm sorry for the dark turn the story is taking, but angst is working it's way in fast... This story will have light moments, I promise!
> 
> A-N2: Chapter Title from the song 'Children will listen'

 

 

_**Chapter 5: Wishes come true, not free** _

__

‘What the hell just happened?’

Emma felt her temper rise as the fire behind her crackled and realized maybe she was a little closer to the Fairy than was healthy for either of them. She backed off, but her eyes kept track of the dark green ones in front of her, pretty much like she had been used to in another life, as a bail bondsperson.

Snow laid her hand across Emma’s upper hand, but strangely that gesture only edged her on, which she was quite sure was not at all the intention behind it. She pulled herself loose from her mother’s grip, only to see the woman flinch in response.

‘How did you know about that?’

Emma did not ask, she demanded. She saw the Fairy before her recognize it, but still felt immense annoyance rush through her when Tinker Bell merely shrugged.

‘I hear wishes, Emma, it’s kind of a Fairy thing. You needed,  _wished for_ the map to work, now you have it. I advice you to use it while you can.’

‘ She wished it and you made her fall? What kind of Fairy are you?’

Tinker Bell at least had the decency to blush and avert her eyes.

‘I… I needed… to make a point.’

Emma found herself taking a step closer, her nose only inches away from the Fairy’s.

‘ Yes, and you needed to make an introduction, apparently. God, I thought Fairies were supposed to be on the good side…’

That remark apparently was comical, because Tinker Bell barked out something that could have been a laugh.

All she could do to not strangle the woman in front of her was to turn and push the paper in Snow’s hands.

Now she understood the expression ‘ Be careful what you wish for’. It felt like her heart was breaking at the thought it had been her wish that had made Tinker Bell say those terrible, terrible things to Regina.

‘Do what you’re good at,  _mom_. Make a plan. I’m just going to…’

The sound of footsteps caused Emma’s head to snap up and she pressed her fingers to her lips to urge the others to silence...

 

 

…

The tutting sound that passed his lips made Regina sit up immediately. Getting to her feet though, what she truly desired, was out of the question when she felt the Magic –His Magic- contain her.

‘Regina…’

He acknowledged her with a nod and the strange accent made her shiver almost as much as the memories the Magic evoked. She could smell it, the rotten, musky scent of it, not unlike the one she had experienced when her mother’s Magic had contained her so many years ago.

`Pan.`

It was years of experience that kept her tone light, as if she was still in control over the situation. It seemed to amuse him.

‘Bad memories?’

His condescending remark almost made her face twitch, but she was pleased to find her flare of anger allowed her to gain control over her features once more. It gave her the confidence she needed to summon her own Magic and break the spell, holding her down, completely. She got up and brushed off her clothes.

‘ What do you want, Pan?’

He smiled. It was eerie and she tried to hide the shiver that ran through her.

‘ Is that your way to greet an old friend, Regina? How thoughtless… And just to think how you begged me to let you stay?’

His reference to her childhood, in which she had pleaded with the shadow to take her to this other land where she would be away from her mother, was like a slap in her face. She stumbled back and only the support of a tree behind her prevented her from falling. He  _had_ brought her, eventually, only to cruelly toss her back once his game had played out.

‘It was so easy for you to forget wasn’t it? Do you remember? Because you wanted to… Your son is truly proving to be yours in that aspect…’

‘Where is he?’

‘Now, what would be the fun if I told you that, Regina? We both know that’s not the way the game is played. I’d hurry though, if I were you… Those we  _want_  to forget, are always the first to go…’

The little gestures she had become so familiar with in the short time she had spent on the island in her youth hadn’t changed, and she knew exactly what he meant to say…

Her son was erasing her from his mind, because she had failed. She had not become the mother she had vowed to be. She had not become the mother he could love. Thinking back about the times he had wiggled out of her arms, shrugged himself free of her grip or avoided her glance, Regina felt the false hope she had allowed to fuel her heart escape the treacherous organ. Because she could not say, honestly didn’t  _know_ , if Henry wouldn’t be thrilled to be allowed to finally forget her.

 ‘ What do you want from me?’

‘ What I’ve always wanted, Regina… Remember. You are the key…’

Again, those terrible mysterious words that had haunted her every dream for so long. They had been spoken by her mother, by Pan, by Rumplestiltskin, but only the latter had ever told her which lock she was meant to open. And she had thought by enacting the curse, she had fulfilled her role. Having the words directed to her once again confused her and, she had to reluctantly admit, frightened her.

‘It  surprises me though, that you wanted to work together with a Fairy. I have to say, if I were you, I’d never want anything to do with the kind… Considering your  _history_ with them. You  _do_ know about the deal your Fairy Godmother made now, don’t you?’

She swallowed, and realized her expression had given her away, as his eyebrows rose. She felt like her tongue was made of cardboard, dry and useless in her mouth.

‘Oh you  _did_  know… That  _is_ quite intriguing, indeed…’

He walked in circles around her, and although her instinct told her to follow him with his eyes, making pirouettes like a prey surrounded by carnivores was not something she desired. So she simply stared ahead, catching his eyes every moment he passed through her view.

‘Emma figured out the map by telling Mommy Dearest she felt like an orphan. Did she share with you what I came to tell her?’

Regina shook her head in a casual movement, as if it didn’t matter, but the mention of the blonde had made her heart jump.

‘ I told her before she would get off this island, she would really know what it feels like to be one…’

Despite her desire to hide her response to the words, she felt her eyes widen. For as far as she knew, Emma had not shared any of this with the Charmings either.

‘You got the map to work by admitting your self-destructing wishes…’

He approached her, slowly, his eyes burning through her with more intensity every step he took.

‘Before you get off this island, Regina, I will have you wishing for things far worse than ‘falling’…’

His indexfinger flicked over her nose, as it had so many times in the past. Once, it had made her squeal with joy, now, it only made her empty stomach contract.

‘Before you leave, Regina, you will have the chance to take revenge… You’re going to have the opportunity to get  _everything_  you ever said you wanted. And then, we will all get to see who you really are.’

He grinned again, his young face enlightened by nothing more than the moon and the stars. She tried to grasp what he was saying, but even though she registered the words, stored then, safely, for a later time, there was no way for her to comprehend them now.

He started to walk away, smirking, and for a moment she felt like she could be relieved, until she felt his eyes on her once more. The glance over his shoulder told her he had more to say.

‘Oh and Regina? I hope you learned: Be careful what you wish for…’

And then, he disappeared, much like a shadow in the night.

…

 

TBC

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry abt that, I know more Swan Queen was requested and I promise the next chapter will have a very special moment. I just needed this chapter to lay some groundwork...


	6. What's too painful to remember.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma lures Regina away to talk, resulting in (how could it not) arguing. But, maybe this time, it won't result in one of them running away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N: As promised, Swan Queen feels this chapter! Enjoy!
> 
> A-N2: Chapter title from the song: The way we were.

 

 

_**Chapter 6: What's too painful to remember We simply choose to forget** _

 

Emma just finished tying the last knot to contain the captured lost boy when she felt it. She had no idea  _how_  she felt it, but she knew there was no other explanation. She didn’t even look up from her task when she acknowledged the other woman’s presence.

‘ Regina.’

She heard, now, footsteps stopping, startled.

‘How…?’

But before Regina could finish her question, Emma had, swiftly, gotten up and turned to her. She saw it, immediately, the change, the hopeless, deep sadness in the woman’s eyes. She remembered it, recognized it and instantly knew.

‘ Pan came to talk to you…’

Chocolate brown eyes blinked in surprise, but only for the shortest moment, and then resigned.

‘Yes.’

The word sounded almost as lifeless as the one Regina had used to make the map appear. Emma’s heart felt heavy at the memory, at the idea of what Regina, strong, beautiful Regina, must have gone through to wish, so much, to escape her marriage.

Before she could ask more, however, the former Queen pointed at the boy.

‘ Trouble?’

It almost sounded like an apology… This island was changing them, all of them. Even Snow, although ever the optimist, seemed to have lost some of her bright and shiny attitude. Or maybe she was just missing David.

‘Nothing we couldn’t handle…’

Again that bright flicker of something in Regina’s eyes Emma couldn’t place and the blonde felt herself narrowing her own eyes as she took in her son’s other mother.

‘ What…?’

But before she could finish her sentence, Snow and Tinker Bell entered the clearing. Adding some wood to the fire, Snow seemed to have trouble to even as much as acknowledge Regina’s return. The Fairy, however, stopped in her tracks the moment she laid eyes on the former queen. Emma watched on as their gazes locked and many, so many, unspoken words were exchanged. It dazzled her, the conflicting feelings she saw feature their faces, passing quickly as a kaleidoscope of emotions. There was battle and accusation and pain and regret in each of the women, and Emma felt her heart pounding so heavily that she was sure it’s rhythm must be audible to all. But then, after what seemed like forever, Regina simply nodded, as if all was said and done, and turned to sit at the edge of the clearing, as far away from the place Snow had set up as possible. 

Emma took her time, getting ready for the night, she followed her mother’s conversation with Tinker Bell (still couldn’t quite  _think_  that name without smirking) about when the men would be back and responded when that was requested of her. She was on automatic pilot though, she knew. Her true attention lay elsewhere.

Regina had lain down on one of the blankets she had conjured, her back towards the others, and seemed to be asleep. The tension in the woman’s shoulders, however, told Emma otherwise.

It seemed to take forever for the other two women to fall asleep. Emma’s eagerness to take the nightshift had nothing to do with desire to keep an eye out for the men or guard the boy, as she had told them. The lost boy they had captured while he had stumbled into their camp, was sleeping like a baby, as if he had no care in the world. When she was sure the even breathing of her mother and the Fairy wouldn’t halt, Emma got up from her place by the fire and made her way to the place she was inexplicable drawn to… The person she was inexplicably drawn to…

…

_‘Nothing we couldn’t handle…’_

It rang through her mind like an endless mockery, the words Emma had said when she had inquired about the boy. It rang through her heart in endless agony, the feeling of being so useless…

As she always had been.

A useless daughter, failing to live up to Cora’s expectations. A useless apprentice, a useless wife, a useless evil, evil queen….

And now… A useless mother…

She felt thrown back into her childhood. The words Pan had spoken to her only moments before, and that once, when she had been a young girl, had thrilled her to the core. She was the key, she was important, she was needed.

But in the end, all she had been was used, and hell, did she know it.

She squeezed her eyes shut at the pain in her chest the memories brought and found herself searching for a happier one. So many years she had cried herself to sleep, craving Daniel’s arms around her for comfort. The last years, the images had changed, the sentiment had not. She longed for comfort, she, the harsh, cold, Evil Queen ached for a comfort she would never, could never receive. So she dreamed. She pretended that she was held, that she could lay her ear against the chest, hear the heart, of the person she yearned for most. She could feel the hands in her hair, on her face. Lips, wiping away tears with tenderness.

‘Regina?’

The ragged whisper cut through the night air and she immediately, as if caught, sat up, her heart hammering against her chest.

‘Emma? What is it, are you ok?’

She realized her mistake almost instantly, the name that her heart had been screaming passing her lips without hesitation. Emerald eyes glittered before her, taking her in with some sort of awe she couldn’t quite grasp, before the most beautiful smile spread over the blonde’s features.

‘If I would have known all it took for you to say my name is whisper yours in the middle of the night, I would have sneaked into your bedroom long ago…’

‘Miss Swan!’

‘ _There_  it is…’

The smile broadened and lit up Emma’s face in a way that left Regina breathless, but then, the eyes turned serious as the blonde extended her hand.

‘ Walk with me?’

‘As you so accurately stated, it  _is_  the middle of the night, E…  _Miss Swan…’_

The simple shrug was accompanied by a wink that did strange things to Regina’s stomach. And, obviously, to her motor function, because before she could even wrap her mind around what was happening, she had laid her hand in Emma’s and allowed the other woman to pull her up.

Regina could have sworn Emma had held her hand a little longer than necessary before, after a squeeze, letting go. They didn’t walk far and the slumped form of the woman next to her (Regina momentarily through she would soon stuff her hands in her pockets and start to kick pebbles like a rebelling teenager) was oddly endearing. She closed her eyes and breathed in the midnight air as if it could fill her with more than just oxygen. She shivered, shortly, when they halted, cut off by a small river that sung its song of meandering streams finding their way home to the ocean and she just found herself staring at the water.

‘Regina?’

Again that name… The way she said it. The simplicity of it. Not ‘Evil Queen’ or ‘Your Majesty’ or even ‘Madame Mayor’. Just Regina. Just who she had always wanted to be. Who she once had been. Who the blonde, without even realizing it, made her feel like once again. It made her shiver, but this time it had nothing to do with the chill in the air.

She glanced at the woman, who shot her a small smile and repeated her name, as if she knew Regina needed it.

It made it so impossible to NOT love Emma Swan.

…

‘What did he tell you?’

Emma saw the vulnerability flash in Regina’s eyes before the regal exterior was pulled up again. Sometimes she felt very much like simply grabbing the brunette by the shoulders and giving her a good shake.

‘That is…’

‘Don’t!’

The word came out more harsh than she had intended, but she felt the fire rage in her chest and couldn’t stop herself.

‘Don’t tell me that it’s none of my business, Regina! He is my son too!’

Regina took a step back at her approach, but seemed to steady herself in the movement because when she looked up, Emma could see her dark eyes burning.

‘ Yes, Miss Swan, I bet that is why  _you_  yourself were so forthcoming about your talk with Pan…’

They were close, in each other’s face as they had been so many times before. And yet, there was something different now. Emma felt it, crackle in the air, flutter in her chest. She looked into knowing eyes, fierce eyes and felt herself deflate.

‘ Shit… This is not… I didn’t mean…’

Turning, Emma quickly retreated, struggling to find the words, the  _way_  for Regina to open up. She hadn’t come here to fight, but somehow that’s what they almost always ended up doing…

_Almost…_

The memories of an embrace in a secluded area of the woods seemed to make the air to thick to inhale, and for a moment Emma thought she might faint.

‘He is forgetting me…’

The sadly whispered words made the blonde turn so fast she felt something snap in her neck and she, automatically, took a step towards Regina again.

The former Queen was looking up, her dark eyes glimmering with what seemed like more than the reflection of the stars. Before she could ask the question Regina continued.

‘ Henry… He is forgetting me…’

‘He never could forget you, Regina. You’re his…’

…

‘His what, Emma? What am I exactly? The bird in whose nest the cuckoo laid his egg? The glorified nanny you left your kid with for 10 years before you decided to take him from me? I know I failed, I know I can’t…’

Leopold’s contemptuous remarks about her inability to give him children resonated through her, as if they had _just_  been screamed at her. Regina felt her magic rise with her temper, with her nausea, and shortly closed her eyes to try and regain control. The tear that ran down her cheek burned, almost as much as the unshed ones lodged in her throat.

‘But I love him… I love him so much. And I just never am enough… How can I ever be enough? How can I ever compete with you, Emma Swan? How?’

She felt the hands on her shoulders, rough and gentle at the same time and whimpers at the touch. Everything was going wrong, everything was spinning out of her control and she had no idea how to get it back.

‘You’re his  _Mom_ , Regina. He is  _not_ just going to forget about you!’

_But he already did…_

A voice in Regina’s head cried out the words, as she relived all the times he had called her evil, doubted her love for him… All the times he had run into Emma’s arms and had not even bothered to glance back at her.

‘How do you know that? You don’t know this island! You don’t know what it does to you…’

Emma’s eyes bore into hers as the blonde snapped.

‘Oh, and  _you_ do?’

She felt herself cringe under the woman’s warm hands, the spasm of her muscles clearly palpable for the other woman and she saw the turquoise eyes light up in recognition.

‘Shit, you  _do_!’

‘ Language, Miss Swan!’

‘ What, you’re afraid I’m gonna corrupt the fucking trees? For fuck’s sake, Regina…’

But the eyes, those emerald, beautiful, beautiful eyes did not fill themselves with the harshness of the words. Neither did the warm, comforting weight of the hands leave her shoulders. She wanted to shrug them off, wanted to turn, to walk away as she always did. But those eyes, those mesmerizing eyes searched her in question, and she found herself unable to move.

‘So, how?’

Regina read the full question in Emma’s face. There was no curiosity or eagerness to know, there was something else, something that warmed and terrified her at the same time.

Care.

‘I wished it.’

‘You  _wished_  to be taken by Peter Pan?’

‘ I wished to… Leave…’

‘Why?’

The question, so genuine and, somehow, so unexpected, made Regina tense up. She had thought she would be reprimanded for not saying something earlier, she had anticipated being interrogated on ways to leave. But not  _this_.  _This_ inquiry, that touched her to the core. That extended to everything in her life. She felt the walls erect themselves around her heart, scolding herself for allowing them to crumble in the first place, and spat out the words that were the answer.

‘ Have you  _met_  my mother?’

She pulled back at the moment she saw Emma cringe, the pain in the other woman’s eyes too much for her to bear. Because the ache in Emma’s eyes was not for herself, not for being rebuked or rejected. No, the distress on the blonde’s face was for Regina. And pity was not something she would ever accept.

‘ Yeah, ok, point taken…’

There was a silence, in which Regina surprised herself by not storming off. Part of her wanted to run, as far away as possible, from this connection, however awkward, that they had. But it felt like there were strings, pulling at her heart, keeping her in place.

She felt the soft hand again, tentative this time, pulling her shoulder. Forcing her, in a tantalizingly gentle manner, to face the blonde once more.

‘Henry will  _not_ forget about you, Regina.’

She opened her mouth to voice the protest that must have already been visible in her eyes, because before she could say anything, Emma’s other hand reached up and gently cupped her cheek, leaving her utterly speechless.

Emma all but whispered the words, the breath that accompanied them caressing Regina’s face. And, maybe, her heart.

‘I won’t let him. I will never let him.’

…

TBC

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are like Magic...


	7. Careful the things you say. Children will listen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking to their son requires a task Snow certainly doesn't agree with, but how does a mother's rejection effect Emma? And who can give Snow the insight she needs?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN1: There were several things that I missed in Neverland-Canon, and one of them was someone talking to Snow about how her disagreeing on the whole 'hearttaking' business would effect Emma... Who better, in this story, then Regina to do so? 
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy!
> 
>  
> 
> AN2: The chapter title is once again from the song 'Children will listen'

 

 

 

_**Chapter 7: Careful the things you say. Children will listen.** _

The promises tickled the inside of her chest. Enlightening it, she was almost sure, as if bright stars plucked from the sky were caught in her heart. Regina placed her hand on her sternum, not sure is she wanted to remove or contain the odd, fluttering feeling.

Promises had been rare in her life, and, unless they had held a threat, almost without exception, broken. It had not taken her very long to stop believing in them what so ever.

But Emma’s words, Emma’s whispered promises about how everything would be ok, would be better once they would get home to Storybrooke, how they would arrange for a way for her to see Henry more (or, as the blonde had put it ‘Even if he had to be knocked over the head with his storybook, he was going to spend time with his mom’) felt like life-lines thrown out to a drowning soul.

And then, they had come up with their idea to contact Henry…

She hadn’t slept, not a single minute, when she had heard Snow and Tink get up and, softly whispering, prepare for the day. And yet she felt oddly rested. Without thinking it through, she had immediately gotten up herself. Emma was still sleeping, the glimpse she caught of the innocence that painted her features in rest almost more than her fluttering heart could bear and certainly enough to pull up the corners of her mouth. But, without the blonde’s neutralizing presence, Regina found herself surrounded by a heavy silence. The casual conversation between Snow and the Fairy had stopped at the moment she had neared, and an uncomfortable feeling constricted her chest.

Her voice was hoarse as she announced the plan, the main thing occupying her mind, and she saw Snow’s face change immediately.

‘No! No, Regina, that is NOT the way we do things!’

She almost stepped back, almost cringed, when the full force that was Snow White approached her. There were many things to be said about the pixie-haired woman before her, but she sure was a force to be reckoned with. Only years and years of practice rooted her to her spot, allowed her to answer Snow’s fierce gaze with her own.

‘Oh really, dear? So what do you purpose?’

That seemed to, momentarily, distract Snow and the woman blinked under Regina’s vicious stare

‘I don’t know it’s just…  _Your_ way, Regina… it’s not…’

‘Actually, it was  _my_  idea…’

Regina almost turned on her heels, but instead entertained herself with the vision of Snow White’s eyes almost rolling out of their sockets. She almost chuckled, but the soft hand on her shoulder turned the sound into a sigh she hoped escaped anyone’s attention.

‘No, Emma! You can’t let her… This is not…’

The soft squeeze made Regina look up, meet the turquoise eyes filled with a sad determination that, strange enough, made the former Mayor hesitate.

‘We have to see our son.’

She wasn’t sure if the explanation was for her, for Snow or for Emma herself, and Regina felt the words on the tip of her tongue. The ‘Are-you-sure?’ almost tumbling out of her mouth. But then, Emma let go and grasped her mother, pulling her away, pressing her face against the woman’s back.

‘Do it, Regina’

And, swallowing away the last of her doubts, she did.

…

‘We love you’

They rang through Emma while she looked at the tears that spilled those chocolate brown eyes. The words Regina had said. Not ‘ I’  but ‘We’. It made her want to reach out and envelop the woman in her arms.

Seeing Henry had been the spark she had needed, the light in his eyes when they had said they were coming for him had brightened her heart. But, as soon as Henry had left the mirror-image and Regina had removed herself from them, physically as well as emotionally, the empty feeling in the pit of her stomach had returned.

She turned around and found the eyes of Snow, shortly, before the other woman averted her eyes and took a step back. She felt her heart throb, a gush of icy water rushing through her with every beat as she felt the organ sink in a familiar way… A way too familiar way.

She swallowed as she glanced in the other direction, but the dark eyes she caught shortly were filled with turmoil before they, too, were averted. And, even though she wasn’t sure  _what_  she had expected, or hoped for, she knows this wasn’t it.

Tinker Bell’s gaze burned on her but that was a pair of eyes she was not prepared to meet, although she wasn’t entirely sure why. The feeling that the Fairy could read her most inner thoughts and her fiercest desires may have had something to do with it, although she had made sure never to  _wish_  anything while the Fairy was near.

She felt it then, the pull. And suddenly the disturbing thought that she, now, completely understood why Regina always stormed off, ran through her mind. She knew it was true and yet she couldn’t grasp the connection she was making entirely when her feel set themselves in motion.

She didn’t notice the pair of dark eyes following her every movement.

…

 ‘Sit!’

‘I am not your lapdog, Regina, you don’t get to order me around.’

_Well, wasn’t THAT the truth…_

For a moment Regina wished for Mary Margaret to resurface somewhere in the whirlwind that was Snow White, knowing that controlling the woman’s alter ego would be so much easier. She sighed, obviously barking the order wouldn’t work on the infuriating princess. So stubborn, it oddly evoked a small pinch of respect in the wave of annoyance that rushed through her.

When Emma had left the clearing, Regina had immediately noticed. And now, as the day progressed, it lingered, still… The stolen glances towards the disappointed mother something she could not help but see and  _recognize._

So she had barked. When Emma and Tink had gone off in a search for water. Barked at Snow. Hiding the disappointment at her own actions. Because she knew, when Emma had caught her eyes, she should have reassured her, made a gesture, do something. But all she had been able to do was look away as soon as she could, her own guilt raging a little too close to the surface.

‘Please…’

She had pushed out the word and it sounded unnatural but, obviously, genuine enough to catch the other woman’s attention.

‘Endulge me, Snow, just this once.’

When the woman, her eyes still narrowing in suspicion, carefully sat on the fallen tree, Regina could see she surprised her by sitting down as well, although maintaining a respectable distance. She couldn’t honestly say it didn’t surprise herself, but the action had come natural, maybe born out of the trembling of her legs.

‘I need to talk to you about Miss S… about Emma…’

‘You have no right to…’

Regina threw up her hands and looked up, straight into hazel eyes filled with fire. Eyes she hadn’t allowed herself to fully meet in what felt like centuries. And she thought, hoped, she saw something soften in them.

‘No, I don’t… But I hope you’ll let me say this anyway.’

Snow crossed her arms, the gesture so child-like and so genetic it seemed, since she had seen her son act similar so many times, that Regina wanted to smile and lash out at the same time.

`I know what it’s like to be a mother, Snow, no matter how much you wish I didn’t. I know you never had a chance to… I… Oh, Hell!’

The burning grieve and the apology were stuck in her throat, and she knew, would never exit her mouth. This was agony, but she had to do it. Someone had to open the woman’s eyes. She saw how Snows eyes had widened, her outburst, Regina knew, very, very uncharacteristic. And, for the first time since she could remember, she didn’t care.

‘Just sit. You have to listen. You have to  _see._ ’

It frightened her, the way her voice sounded higher, younger. She felt her heart beat, rapidly, against her chest.

‘See what?’

‘What you are doing to her… To Emma.’

The hazel eyes shot daggers once more as Snow White spat out the words Regina knew would be coming.

‘What  _I_ am doing to Emma? You’re the one who…’

Regina sighed, struggling to keep her voice calm, to will the frequency of her heartbeat down. The other woman always had been annoyingly oblivious to her own blameworthiness.

‘Yes, Snow. I know you are disappointed in the way we chose to contact Henry. I know you thought we should have found another way. Although I am the one who got my hands dirty, Miss Sw.. Emma, seems to feel very responsible for that decision, and you won’t let her forget it.’

‘Well, I don’t think… It… You… It’s just not the way…’

The stutter made her think of Snow’s alter ego and the name slipped from her tongue before she could think the better of it as she got up, her voice now rising.

‘This is Neverland, Miss Blanchard, NEVERLAND. You don’t get anywhere by just playing by the rules, because there ARE no rules. That is why I am here, so the rest of you don’t have to darken your little hearts in the process. And, even though, if it makes you feel any better, I fully intend to return the boy’s heart before we return home, all of this is beside the point.’

Snow was standing up as well and had turned to her. Her face wrenched with something Regina could not quite place.

‘So what is your point, Regina?’

‘She grew up in the Foster system…’

To her own horror, the statement came out no more than a whisper, the guilt she felt, once again, constricting her airway.

‘And whose fault is that?’

Snow screamed the words and every syllable felt like the lash of a whip. She broke eye-contact shortly, by closing her eyes and suddenly, she could see those emerald eyes again, so hurt. She had to see this through.

‘You are infuriating. Let me finish, will you?’

She was glad to find her voice could still do her bidding, when the words came out clipped and harsh. Much like their answer.

‘Fine.’

‘She grew up in the foster system and now you are disappointed in her…’

She should have known Snow wouldn’t get it instantly, although she was slightly more intelligent than her idiotic husband. The confusion in those eyes almost made Regina growl in frustration. But, strangely, at the same time, she wanted to sigh in relieve because it seemed the woman before her was actually  _trying_  to understand.

‘What are you trying to say?’

‘Every time,  _Snow_ , someone was disappointed in her, she was discarded. Thrown away. In every ‘Family’  she’s knows, every tiny sin must have been unforgivable and would earn her a one way ticket out of their lives.’

She hated that her voice sounded hoarse, but she couldn’t help it. 

‘But she is my daughter.’

And that was the final opening Regina needed. Her smile, she knew, seemed emotionless and regal, and instead was all but that. The woman had said exactly what she had hoped she would, her natural goodness and her love for her child shining through.

‘Then, act like a mother and show her, that despite the fact you don’t agree, you are not going to leave. You have to show her, Snow, you have to show her that you love her.’

_Because I can’t._

She didn’t say the words her heart was screaming as she separated herself from the other woman.

But when she looked back into confused, hazel eyes, right before making her way into the woods, her heart staggered with fright that maybe, just maybe, the woman had heard them anyway.

…

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are magical...


	8. Without me, her world will go on turning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2 important conversations take place before some Swan Queen teasing takes center stage... That can't end well, can it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN1: Thank you all so much for the kudos and the reviews! You are the best!
> 
>  
> 
> AN2: Title inspired by the song 'On my own' from Les Miserables

 

**_Chapter 8: Without me, her world will go on turning_ **

 

There is no way Emma could say she wasn’t avoiding her mother. Mainly because… she was. The look in those hazel eyes, so much like her own, was not something she could handle right now. So, when the woman had sought her out, time and time again, she had always come up with another excuse. But then, when she was refilling their water bottles in a crystal clear little brook with a waterfall (Really? Did this Fairytale-shit ever end?) she heard the footsteps behind her once more.

‘Emma…’

A non-committal  grunt was all she could muster and she acted as if collecting the water needed a lot more attention than the task actually did.

‘Emma, look at me, please?’

It was reluctant, the way she turned around and by the sigh she heard she knew her mother saw it too. She wasn’t sure why being around the woman she now knows to be Snow White (Snow White, for fuck’s sake!) made her act like a rebelling teenager.

But the sigh changed when Mary Margaret caught her eyes and in a few steps the other woman is in front of her.

‘I want to hold you so much right now, Emma, but I know… I know you’re not a hugger. And I respect that. I just… Hell this is hard!’

Emma smirked and felt terrible the moment she did it, but this was nice, to see the perfect woman struggle and, generally, well… NOT be perfect.

‘I didn’t agree…’

She cringed at the words, and tried to turn again, but 2 strong hands prevented her to do so, forced her to keep looking into eyes so much like her own. And then, it struck her. The  _way_  the woman had said it, the words she now repeated.

‘I didn’t agree.’

Snow shrugged and her eyes twinkled, with tears and regret, but also with something deeper.

‘And, knowing us, there will be a lot of times, Emma, that we won’t agree… But here is the thing…’

…

She watched, a smile creeping up to her lips. And when she, finally, saw the two women embrace she felt the breath she had been holding escape her lips.

‘Regina?’

She almost jumped at the unexpected sound and the smirk that lingered on the Fairy’s face was not helpful when it came to her temper.

‘Firefly?’

 The condescending tone rolled perfectly of her tongue and she smiled in her success.

‘When are you going to tell her?’

She felt her eyes flash in alarm, her small victory immediately forgotten and saw how the Fairy caught on immediately. Her hand seemed to have a life of its own as it was wrapped around the other woman’s upper arm and before Regina realized what she was doing she had dragged the Fairy away from the other two women, without giving away their presence in the first place.

She had to give it to her, Tinker Bell did not even as much as whimper when they reached the clearing and Regina pushed her away, forcing her to sit on the same piece of wood where she had had her earlier conversation with Snow.

Her anger had simmered down, leaving her with nothing more than a painful emptiness and, for the second time, Regina found herself sitting down as well.

‘Tink…’

After that wretched moment when the Pixie Dust had recognized her,  _marked_  her as Emma Swan’s True Love she had not dared to call the Fairy by that name again. At that moment she had only done so in shock, in fear of what her old friend was unraveling. But now, it sounded like begging. The fear, meandering through the sound, tasted foreign on her tongue.

She looked up, finding the mossy green eyes of the Fairy filled with a warmth she had not anticipated. The words the woman had said, pushing her to reveal the map they were now using to built their plan on, still stung in her heart.

_You are a cowardice, selfish, lying human being._

‘I can’t…’

She didn’t know if there were words for it. For the pain of knowing she was right. For the pain of seeing that the woman, the amazing, courageous, infuriating, wonderful woman who was her true love, could never be told she was. It clawed at her. Her throat, her heart. Left her on fire, or maybe more accurate, in ashes, because flames seemed too alive for how she felt.

‘But Regina, you can’t NOT! She will live her whole live without…’

The words started pouring out then and every each and one of them hurts as they pass her lips. The sobs she was trying to suppress translated into the anger in which the explanation was spat out.

‘Don’t say it… She won’t live without love. He, Baelfire, he loves her, I felt it when I touched his heart. It’s how I knew… And he is Henry’s… Father…’

She choked, the image of the perfect family dancing before her. Neal coming home, ruffling through Henry’s hair, kissing his wife on the lips. It attacked her, the different situations, Sunday morning brunches, dinners at Granny’s, walks on Main Street with intertwined fingers or, maybe, with Henry in between them.

‘But he is not her true love!’

‘Do you really think that makes any difference? Don’t you see it, Tink? Look what I did to  _you_ , what came of you… for just… for MEETING me… Can you imagine the damage it would do to her to find out that I am… With WHAT I am? YOU know what I am. I can’t do that to her.’

The eyes of the Fairy had widened, the shock caused by Regina’s outburst reflecting in the green, and the former Queen heard her own voice giving out on her when she finally had the strength to look into the eyes of the woman who was once her friend.

‘What she doesn’t know, she won’t miss, Tink, it can’t hurt her. She will be loved by someone who can make her happy.’

‘You can’t be saying… Noone is capable of fighting true…’

She couldn’t bear to hear it, the word her heart was screaming every time she caught sight of the blonde, every moment the woman entered her thoughts. Oh, hell, who was she kidding, really? All the time.

‘Oh believe me Tinker Bell, you have NO IDEA what I’m capable of!’

…

Emma smiled as she heard the familiar remark, carried to her by the breeze it seemed.

She took the steps needed to expose herself, the words already rolling of her tongue when she does.

‘ _I_ have an inkling, though… What is it this time?’

Dark brown eyes blink at her in confusion, before that damned wall is put up again.

‘Hasn’t  _Mommy Dearest_  told you it’s not polite to eavesdrop, dear?’

The chuckle from behind her catches even Regina’s attention, and Emma couldn’t honestly say she had expected her mother to  _ever_  respond that way to any of her nemesis’ snarks, least of all the ones with her as a subject. She couldn’t do anything else than ignore the fact, for now, though, and turned back to the easier subject of getting under Regina’s skin.

‘Eh-oh, afraid I heard all your little  _secrets_?’

Her voice was sing-song as she teased, but something flashed in Regina’s eyes that made her heart stop. It was raw and cold, painful and scorching, not hidden under the usual iron blanket the former mayor covered her emotions with.

‘She just was bragging she would be capable of getting you to show that tattoo you have.’

 The Fairy’s casual tone made her pause and as she looked up the lie stood out, etched on Tinker Bell’s face.

‘Oh, really,  _Miss Mills.’_

She spoke the words mockingly, in the same tone Regina always used while addressing her.

‘I never knew you were so interested in body art.’

The red flush rushing upto Regina’s cheeks did something strange with Emma’s stomach.

‘Well, all you need is the magic word…’

The blonde blinked at the drawl she heard in her own voice, the teasing unmistakably mixed with something else…

Was she  _flirting_ with Regina?

_What the fuck?_

She felt it, the need, the actual  _want_ , to show the other woman the piece of adorned skin, eager to see her reaction. There was  _that_ , the urge to bother Regina and get a rise out of her, which was nothing new all, but there was something else as well. The vague idea, sensation that, maybe of all unlikely choices, it was THIS woman who would understand her choice. The dandelion. The seeds trying to find a place to sprout roots.

Tinker Bell’s melodic laughter bounced off the trees surrounding them.

‘Good luck getting her to try and say  _that_.’

It sounded teasing and playful, like something only an old and dear friend could say.

_Or an old lover._

And, despite Regina’s earlier denial of an affair with the Fairy, Emma felt something flare up in her chest. It was hot and cut through her like a knife making it impossible to breathe. It blinded her and for a moment it seemed like all the sounds of Neverland faded away, as only this sensation raged through her. And when the world came into view again and she saw Regina swat the Firefly’s wrist as a response to her lighthearted comment, she spat out the words, more harshly then she had intended.

‘Well then, no ticket, no show.’

She shrugged and found her way out of the clearing, her heart hammering in her chest with a sudden feeling of loss she couldn’t explain.

* * *

 

 


	9. There's an answer, when you reach into your soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Regina be able to say the Magic word needed in order to see her true love's tattoo?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N1: Thank you all so much for your kindness, follows, favs and reviews, you have no idea how much it all means! This is the shortest one yet, sorry about that.
> 
> A-N2: Chapter title from Mariah Carey's song: Hero

 

**Chapter 9: There's an answer, when you reach into your soul.**

'Emma?'

When the woman hadn't returned after storming off earlier, Regina had, casually, mentioned she was going to find some firewood. She might have made a sarcastic remark about the Savior not being reliable, but a knowing smirk from Snow White (of all people!) had made the strong sentence end in a mumble. It still unnerved her, the way her former step-daughter had rolled her eyes and shook her head slightly. As if she knew what was her real motive for following the blonde into the jungle.

Their plan had changed. The map had remained visible but they couldn't use the Fairy to get them into the camp, considering the fact Pan knew Tinker Bell was on their side. She had to reluctantly admit that Snow's ideas were not entirely idiotic. Once they would have the sextant, they would have a way off the island, but there was, as the pixie-haired woman had so accurately stated, no way to get to Henry without a direct confrontation with Pan.

It was annoying, the feeling like she was missing something, it felt like it was at the tips of her fingertips, the solution to everything, but she couldn't grasp the idea that has started to form. She could feel it, crawling under her skin, laying on the tip of her tongue, the back of her mind, but it wouldn't come out. And it harassed her, like a never-ending hammering sound in the distance. Not quite there, but never quite gone either.

The constant darkness of this island was starting to get on her nerves. How in the name of the gods was she going to find the infuriating blonde in this thick black veil that surrounded her every step of the way?

She shortly contemplated conjuring up a fireball when she felt it. The tug of her heart. She looked down at her chest in surprise as it seemed to light up slightly, chasing away some of the darkness surrounding her. She followed it, the pull, not because she planned to, but simply because it seemed like it was the only thing she could do.

Her form, dark as a shadow, became visible right after her heart had picked up a more rapid pace, and she whispered the name again, causing the woman, sitting in the sand, to look up.

'Emma…'

…

She felt it already, the presence of the woman who was throwing every thought she could possibly have into a turmoil. True, it had been known to happen before that, around Regina, the blonde lost her head. But lately she felt like she was just on automatic pilot. She had taken on the role as leader, but she hadn't felt like she lived upto it. Her thoughts, her ideas, everything was consumed by her immense worry for Henry… And something else. Something she felt she had also lost, but that she also couldn't wrap her head around.

Lost.

That was how this island made her feel.

Like she had told her mother. She was just a little lost girl who didn't matter and didn't think she ever would.

And, even though the feeling was like an old coat, so easy to slip into, something inside her screamed out, yearned, to be  _found._

The strangest of all of it was that, when Regina approached and halted, just a few feet away from her, visibly hesitating before sitting on the rock Emma was leaning against, she felt like she was just that.

Found.

…

They sat, for a long time, in silence, Regina's thoughts so loud she was certain the blonde could hear them. She struggled to find words, to make some snide remark to lift this suffocating silence that surrounded them. But instead she heard the sentence she had least expected float from her mouth.

'I think… I really… I  _would_  like to see it…'

Emerald eyes caught hers in an instant, lighting up in something that seemed more than the general teasing brightness.

'Well you know what to do then, don't you?'

Why had she said it? True, since the moment Emma had confirmed the existence of the tattoo, the idea fascinated her. True, when Tinker Bell had given the blonde this excuse for their quarrel, she had been relieved her secret wouldn't be released. True, she dreamt about dandelion seeds finding their way to her heart.

But still she had never thought she would hear herself admit it.

Less so did she expect the next word that escaped her treacherous lips.

'Please?'

It was like a burning ache, inside of her, since Tink had put words to her desire to see the adornment of the blonde's pale skin. She wanted, no  _needed,_  to see this tattoo which she had subconsciously looked for ever since that first unfortunate adventure with Pixie Dust.

Despite the slight raise of eyebrow when she had uttered the uncharacteristic plea, Emma didn't seem to react, simply staring out to the sea whose waves gave their background music to this moment.

For a moment, Regina closed her eyes, the magnitude of what was happening crashing down on her. She had given in, she had done what was asked, she had pleaded. She had utterly embarrassed herself.

For a  _tattoo._

With a sharp movement she had gotten up, brusquely brushing sand of her clothes in the movement, completely oblivious that Emma was scrambling up as well.

It wasn't until she felt the fingers wrap around her upper arms when she tried to make her exit that she noticed the blonde's proximity.

'Sorry… Sorry! I was just… thinking. I'm sorry. I'll show you… You did give me the password after all.'

Regina envied the words that slipped so easily off the savior's tongue, the apology that meant so much when you couldn't say it. She felt it in her heart, the heat of it, the pain of it, swirling. That word, the word she had been made sure to never speak. She tried to smile back, but found herself unable to. The twinkle in Emma's eyes, the wink that made her want to moan the woman's name hands went down to the button of her black jeans, elicited a gasp though. And her lips, slightly parted to let the gush of air through, seemed to freeze in that position.

She wanted to say something, but suddenly it was not just that one word that was stuck in her throat when the woman pulled up her green top and pushed down the waist of her pants. Exposed skin, adorned by black ink in the form of a flower came into view. And even if Regina had wanted to she wouldn't have been able to hide the instant reaction.

She heard it crackle in the air, her Magic, the strength of it so much more palpable since the 'incident' with the Pixie Dust. She felt her eyes light up with the intensity of it, her heart throbbing in an agonizing pace.

Her mouth went dry and the yearning in her stomach, always twirling there in slumber until Emma had awoken it, flashed up with a fierceness that left her without oxygen.

The edges of the dandelion, seeds drawn around it as if blowing in the wind, started to brighten as Regina's hand drew closer.

'What the fuck?'

She withdrew her lingering fingertips immediately, right before they met the exposed skin of her lower abdomen on the edge of Emma's right hip bone. Their Magic sizzled and sparked, as if protesting by their lack of proximity when Regina took a step back, the emerald eyes catching hers.

'Did you feel that?'

The plan latched on when she saw the slight movement, the dandelion seed trying to free itself from Emma's skin, right before the woman's trembling hands dropped the garment they are holding up. And she didn't hear Emma's words, didn't see the dilated pupils, didn't notice the glance at her lips.

Everything was a blur.

She felt the power of it, of her brain and heart, finally connecting.

Because she had  _just_ figured out how they were going to rescue their son.

And, when she caught sight of the shell next to her feet, something else immediately clicked in place.

Because maybe she would not just find Henry, maybe she could find herself as well.

TBC

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to keep playfulness into the angsty blend... How am I doing?


	10. Like a bridge over troubled water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new character appears, bringing out part of Regina's plan... Can the former Evil Queen save herself as well as her son? Can she convince an old victim to help her to do so?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-n 1: Thank you all so much for your responses, follows and favorites! It makes the muse sing to have all your lovely (or outraged, or critic) responses to the story! So thank you, thank you, thank you...
> 
> A-N2 chapter title inspired by the song: Bridge over troubled water performed by Simon and Garfunkel.

 

**Chapter 10: Like a bridge over troubled water.**

Regina's eyes lightening up when she had grabbed the shell from the beach might as well have been the most beautiful thing Emma Swan had ever laid eyes on. The way her whole face changed, the features softening, combined with the warm feeling their interaction had caused made the blonde feel like she was ready to combust. Her skin tingled with something that made her want to crawl out of it. It reminded her of being tickled so badly you weren't sure if you wanted the person to stop or to go on. It was fucking confusing and yet she hadn't felt this alive since they had found out that Henry was missing.

Now that she thought about it, she felt the closest to being an actual person when she was around Regina. Sometimes she would just look across the fire, or through trees when they were on their way and just those dark eyes, and they would tie her, ground her, back to the earth.

Regina was the only person who understood, the only person who knew what she was feeling right now. Who felt the pain and the despair and the guilt, and the undying urge to go on. She pushed and prodded and was a royal pain in the ass at times, but Emma couldn't say she didn't love her…

_That! She didn't love THAT!_

The gorgeous smile that was tossed her way, casually, as if they shared a secret, almost left Emma more confused than the thought that just entered her mind. And then, Regina brought the shell to her lips and blew…

The sound was deep and resonated towards the waves but Emma felt the pull of it vibrating in her abdomen. It reminded her of Regina's near touch only moments before, its effects still burning on her skin and echoing through her, making her dizzy.

'What's that?'

She whispered, as if afraid to wake monsters hiding in the dark. Goose bumps had erupted and she, automatically, took a step in Regina's direction and grabbed her wrist.

The reaction was instant and magical…

Literally…

_Magical._

A light blue hue, prickling like a magnetic field, surrounded her palm and merged with a similar purple one on the skin she touched. It felt warm and electric, like when they had combined their powers, their  _magic_  before. With the hat. With the trigger. But somehow, now, with this light touch, it felt so much stronger.

'Emma?'

Regina pulled back as burned at the sound of her mother's voice. Eye- and skincontact broken, all Emma found herself able to do for a moment was stare at the soft glow of her hand, slowly disappearing. The loss of touch made her feel cold and… Lost. Again. Lost.

Mary Margaret came into view, the darkness of the forest less out here on the beach, where the moonlight could actually reach them. She smiled at them, widely.

'They returned! Your fath…'

A sight behind them made the smile on Snow's face freeze and her eyes grew wide in surprise.

'Ariel?!'

Emma's head snapped in the direction of her mother's eyes and caught sight of…

'The little mermaid?  _Seriously?_ '

Regina's low chuckle behind her did something strange with her chest and tugged up her lips. The red haired mermaid's eyes had lit up at the sight of Snow.

As Ariel pulled herself up a rock, Snow had kicked off her shoes and climbed the other side of it, embracing the mermaid is if she was a long lost friend. And Emma found herself rolling her eyes.

_Of course_  her mother knew the Mermaid Princess…

'What's next? Ursula is going to magically appear behind her?'

'Actually, dear, she already is behind  _you.'_

She couldn't help it, her head snapped again as she looked back, and when no seamonster threatened them and she saw the sad smile lingering on Regina's lips, her eyes widened in understanding.

'Come…'

For a moment, Emma thought the other woman was going to take her hand, but the instant passed as quickly as it had arrived when the brunette started to make her way to the rock.

…

Ariel froze at the moment she came into view. It surprised her the mermaid hadn't instantly recognized her, but she guessed Storybrooke Regina was a far way from what Ursula The Seawitch once had been. The eyes flashed darkly at her though and for a moment the former Queen was afraid the Mermaid would leave before she would have a chance to ask for her help.

When Ariel's mouth opened, forming a soundless 'You!', the corner of her eye caught Snow putting the pieces of the puzzle together.

'You took her  _voice,_ Regina?'

'Yeah… That makes sense I guess…'

Although she didn't understand Emma's muttered comment, the tone of it made her smile, which was not a good combination with Snow's original question.

She heard the woman huff and Ariel's eyes glanced to the shell in her hands and then bore into hers when she finally found the courage to look into them. But the light eyes narrowed before she squeezed the woman in front of her once more and simply shook her head in disgust, turning with the obvious intention to leave.

'No, Ariel, wait, please!'

The plea came out more desperate than she had intended, but maybe that is what gained her the glance back.

'Please!'

Ariel glanced at Snow, who still was looking at her with that damned accusing disappointment in her eyes and Regina felt the lump in her throat thicken. She locked eyes with the pixie-haired woman, knowing that it was now her response that mattered. The word she couldn't speak burned on her tongue once more, squeezing her heart, but she refused to buckle under the pain.

Snow's eyes darted to the seashell in Regina's hand and she saw the other woman make the connection. Recognize her cry for help.

'Why would she help you, Regina? After all that you've done?'

Emma's mother spat out the words, her hand resting on the mermaid's upper arm. The glance towards Emma was not lost on the brunette, as she rushed forward and crouched, her eyes now level with Ariel's.

'I  _do_  need your help. But I  _will_  give you something in return.'

The bracelet that magically appeared in her hand made Ariel's eyes widen.

'He is in Storybrooke. Your Prince… As is your voice.'

She hesitated briefly, but the eyes before her urged her on.

'I need you to take it back…'

…

I took Regina some time to explain her plan, although Emma immediately sensed there was something missing. Partial truths had been part of her life for too long for her not to notice them. She wondered, briefly, if she considered them lies…

It was strange, how much she trusted Regina. She felt it as a warm ripple in her heart spreading through her veins with every beat of it.

She chose it. To trust her instinct. To trust  _her._

'I will leave you instructions… Bring them to…'

The hesitation in Regina's voice even drew Snow's attention, Emma saw. She caught her mother's eyes and she felt her own eyebrows rise in mirror image of the other woman's.

'Red?'

It wasn't strange for her mother to suggest her best friend, Emma thought, but it made her smile to see Regina's surprise that her nemesis was trying to help. She seemed to consider it for about 3 seconds.

'Too close to Belle… I can't… Yet…'

This had to do with Rumplestiltskin then… Emma studied Regina's face as her mother suggested the dwarfs and the (although hidden) eye roll made the earlier smile broaden.

'Archie.'

Emma said the name soft, but with confidence. And Regina looked up. Her eyes seemed lighter then they had before, a hint of something soft she couldn't place lingering in them.

'Yes…'

While Snow explained Ariel about Storybrooke and where she could find Dr Archibald Hopper, Regina straightened, conjuring a piece of paper out of nowhere. She glanced at Emma and seemed reluctant.

'I might need help.'

'With Magic?'

It seemed the only thing that made sense. She tried to study Regina's face, but it seemed to hide in shadows suddenly.

'Something like that.'

And then, Emma felt herself trip forward. Straight into Regina's arms.

…

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Yeah, yeah I know... I stopped there :S Thoughts?


	11. Sorry seems to be the hardest word, part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina tries to redeem herself, but she hasn't quite foreseen the consequences...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N1: This chapter turned out longer and darker than originally intended, so i decided to cut it in 2 parts. I think I have to put out a TRIGGERWARNING for flashbacks of abuse and torment for this chapter and the next.
> 
> A-N 2: Chapter title inspired by the song 'Sorry seems to be the hardest word'

 

 

 

Chapter 11: Sorry seems to be the hardest word Part 1

 

‘What the… Shit. I’m so sorry, Regina.’

She felt the strong current of Magic run through her when she said the last sentence, Regina’s hand grabbing her wrist and holding it above the paper. The bluish hue sprang from her fingertips to the parchment.

‘No need dear, thank you.’

She was pushed away once again, the short moment of contact having no visual effect on the stoic brunette, but all the more so on her. She looked at her hand, the one that had just grasped Regina’s forearm in an attempt to stabilize herself. Every piece of skin that had just touched the other woman’s ablaze with a raw burning. It was like an echo, an imprint, an etch in her heart. It made her want to gasp and touch again… And again, and again.

Dazzled she looked up, finding the object of her confusing thoughts focused, her hand, glowing purple, hovering over the piece of parchment.

Regina smiled when she caught her gaze and Emma, automatically and instinctively, looked away.

_Hell, where are we? In high school?_

She wanted to look back again, ask what the fuck this all was about, why Regina had needed her, Emma’s, Magic to do anything. Why she wouldn’t just  _ask._ But the woman already turned towards the Mermaid.

When Regina sat down on the rock, Ariel pulled back slightly, as in fear. Maybe if Emma hadn’t been so tuned in on the brunette she would have missed the tension in the woman’s shoulders.

‘Your voice is in the basement of Mr. Gold’s shop. Don’t tell anyone what you’re looking for. Don’t tell anyone I am the one who send you there. I enchanted the bracelet so it will help you find it. It will glow once you are close, and if you let your heart guide you, it will lead you to everything you seek.’

‘Paranoid much? How can she tell anyone anything, Regina?’

Snow’s voice was clipped and hurt but there was also a hint of guilt weaved in there, making Emma even more curious about how the little mermaid’s story fitted into all of this.

Regina just glared, causing her mother to huff and for a moment Emma felt like jumping inbetween the bickering teenagers. But then Regina’s words found their way through the fog of her brain.

‘Well, Snow, because I will give her mine.’

The silence that followed was deafening in its thickness. Then her own voice and her mother’s overlapped.

‘What…?’

‘Regina, you can’t…’

The former Queen merely put up her hand and they were silenced as if by Magic.  

‘Despite of what you wish to believe, Snow, I  _do_  want to redeem myself.’

…

Regina focused on Ariel, the light eyes of the mermaid so much easier to withstand than the ones of the blonde, burning in the back of her head.

‘These are the instructions, please bring them to Archie. May there be a problem getting the information to him, bring them to a woman known as Widow Lucas. You will find her at Granny’s.’

She looked into the eyes before her, sighing with relieve when she saw the bright intelligence there.

‘Is there anything yet unclear?’

The Mermaid raised her eyebrow, pointing at the bracelet.

‘Ah yes, like I said dear, it will help you find whatever your heart seeks.’

The eyes softened then, and the redhead smiled the kind smile she had once offered a sea witch.

‘The bracelet will give you legs for 24 hours, once you have found your voice you know what to do. Use its force to charge it and the spell on the bracelet will become permanent. The action will also deliver a message to me that you have fulfilled your task.’

The mermaid nodded and smiled once more, her hand now reaching out for the bracelet.

‘Emma? One last thing.’

The blonde looked up to her the turmoil in her eyes so beautiful Regina almost forgets herself, almost says the words that  _really_  lay on the tip of her tongue. The words she will never be able to speak.

_I love you_

‘I need you to trust me, dear. When I will take your hand I need you to let my Magic guide you. Please…’

She added the last word as if it was an afterthought, which it was not. And strange enough those deep green eyes seemed to know that.

‘I  _do_  trust you Regina…’

The words made her shiver and swallow.

‘Oh and  _Miss…_  Emma? Please, tell our son I love him very much.’

_And I love you_

‘Well, then, let’s do this.’

Placing her fingertips against her throat, she felt her Magic collect as she moved closer to the Mermaid. Their eyes locking, she felt her hand tremble slightly as she slowly slide it up to her chin. And then she let her fingers slip, throwing the small ball of light she had collected towards Ariel.

Her eyes slid back to Emma’s once more, and she smiled mutely, her eyes now, speaking both the words she would, and the ones she could, not.

_I love you and I am so sorry._

…

‘Snow?’

Never had she thought to hear that level of enthusiasm when speaking her mother’s name. Not in THAT voice, the hoarse voice that gave her goosebumps. But even though the timbre was the same, the tone,  _the heart_  of it sure was not.

‘Ariel!’

They hugged again and Emma saw them exchange information in what seemed like a million miles per hour.

Her attention though, was on the woman, whose mute smile was eerily beautiful and made her shiver. There was something about Regina’s features, so soft now, in the light of the moon, her face pale and melancholic… And so, so beautiful.

_But there is so much I need to hear you say…_

_Huh? Where had that come from?_

‘This is my daughter, Emma.’

‘Emma, I love that name… It means ‘Universal’.’

The sound of Regina’s voice saying her name so open, so caring, so curious made Emma swallow and shiver. She turned to shoot an awkward grin in the Mermaid’s direction, but saw how Ariel, instead of looking at her, seemed to be distracted by something else.

Or, rather, someone else.

Regina ‘s eyes had softened, but still looked slightly alarmed when they caught the mermaid’s light ones. And suddenly Emma realized judging by the snap of the neck and the flicker in them that those dark eyes must have been focused on  _her_  only moments before.

‘Oh Regina…’

It sounded sympathetic, maybe even pitiful with a hint of something else and Emma could just imagine how the former Mayor would have growled had she had the possibility to use her voice. She saw it etch in her features, in the way the eyebrows rose. The brunette shook her head, not entirely unfriendly, and just made a throw away gesture, as if it, as if  _she_  didn’t matter.

Emma could almost hear the words that accompanied the bodylanguage…

_Go… Just go…_

For a moment it seemed like that’s what the mermaid would do. But then, with a resolute movement, the woman turned to Regina once more.

‘No… I know what it’s like, not to be able to say things.’

Ariel hand found her way to her throat, as if having Regina’s voice there pained her. And then, when Emma saw the mermaid’s light eyes glitter, and Regina’s hand hovering above her own chest, she thought maybe it actually did.

For both of them.

…

Her heart felt as if it was being squeezed inside her chest, the constricting feeling too familiar to not know the words that lay on Ariel’s lips.

 ‘Maybe you should have thought things through,  _dear?_ Isn’t that what you always used to say?  _Dear?_ Maybe I should say your words for you?’

Regina’s eyes grew wide at the suggestion, almost playfully uttered by her own voice. The Mermaid before her smiled, her eyes twinkling, and the former Evil Queen already knew her panicked gesture would be too late.

Because the light in those eyes were not lights of compassion. They were lights of malice.

She understood vengeance better than anyone, but if Ariel would really say the words that had been on the tip of her tongue moments before she had presented her voice to the mermaid, Regina wouldn’t be the only one hurt. Her eyes flashed at Emma, beautiful, brave, unaware Emma who should be able to find the happiness she deserved, before finding the mermaid’s again.

She pleaded wordlessly, begging the redhead to stop.

‘Oh, hush now, Regina, the spell is controlling YOUR heart, not mine. I am not an idiot, I know what a Mermaid’s voice is used for… It is you, on the other hand, who seems to have forgotten something…’

Her own voice spat out the words now, and Regina would have smiled at the familiarity of that tone had the situation not been that serious.

‘I can bend any voice to my will… I will have to practice, but in due time, this one you gifted me with will have the same abilities as my own. You’ve grown soft, and that now became your undoing, because I have no reason what so ever to do your bidding…’

Regina closed her eyes, the words washing over her, knowing the mermaid was right.

_Hell!_

How many more times would she need reminding of who she was? Who she had become? Had her attempt as redemption of the last year showed her nothing? Had Tink’s words at their reunion showed her nothing? All she could do when she touched people’s lives was change them for the worse, no matter what her intentions.

‘Ariel!’

Snow’s voice sounded surprised and, Regina thought, surprisingly strong and indignant. Her eyes shot open and she saw the mermaid turn towards the pixie haired woman.

‘Well, I’m sorry Snow, but you said so yourself…’

The rest of the sentence got lost. The blinding pain that the 3 syllables evoke flashed, hot, through her body. It wasn’t like anything she had ever sensed before, and, for Regina, that meant something.

Not her mother’s torment, the snapping of multiple bones by the means of the vines holding her in place. Not Leopold’s persistent thrusts entering her reluctant body. Not Owen’s shocks of electricity. Not even the three of them combined were a comparison to what she was feeling now.

Her silent scream echoed through her head when the blackness etched in from the corners of her vision.

‘Regina!’

It was the urgency in Emma’s voice, she told herself, that made her focus on the blonde. And that focus, she was sure, was what caused the pain to, slowly, fade out. It had nothing to do with the tender worry in the tone, and the careful touch which evokes a surge of purple and blue magic merging, pulling her, quickly, out of her semi-unconscious state.

She blinked, the blur that had been her vision starting to make sense once more. Worried eyes danced before her.

‘Regina!’

She would have moaned had she been able to at the sound of Snow’s voice, but when she heard the woman’s next words she couldn’t help but, surprised, look up.

‘What the hell did you do to her?’

Snow… Snow White was actually defending her. Was, actually, asking an old friend  _this_  question. Her eyes grew wide and she lunged forward when she saw Ariel’s face, the shock on it already giving away the words that would be uttered next.

‘I’m not sure… I’m sor…’

She grabbed for the mermaids hands, hoping her gesture wouldn’t be interpreted as a threat, but before she reached them, the agony returned.

Tears she couldn’t suppress trickled down her cheeks as she fell to her knees once more. Not feeling the scraping of her knees against the rock, not feeling the abrasions of her hands in the sand. Just the flaming ache that resonated from her chest, exploding throughout her body with every beat of her heart. Her dark, dark heart filled with the remorse she couldn’t speak of. It felt as if memories, voices she had wished were long-forgotten but in reality always were lurking right beneath the surface, waved through her, leaving images and sounds and moans and words to echo through her mind.

If she was dying, right now, she would welcome it. Welcome the peace and the darkness over this harsh and hot scalding pain she couldn’t stand. But at the same time that thought entered her mind, a vision entered her heart.

_Henry…_

She had to know he was safe.

And then, and only then, did she start to fight the darkness invading the corners of her blurred vision.

 

TBC

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ps. *hiding behind hands and peeking through my fingers.


	12. Sorry seems to be the hardest word, part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Every time you apologize she is in that amount of pain?! You can't apologize without pain, Regina?'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N1 Hey everyone! I realize the last installment was slightly (or maybe not so slightly?) confusing... I hope this one will provide some answers! Thanks to Emma there is some baaaaaaaaaad language this chapter, (but what else is new ;)) Wonder how that will go, now that Regina doesn't have a voice to reprimand her with. ;) Hope you'll enjoy
> 
> A-N2: Title from the song 'Sorry seems to be the hardest word'

 

**Chapter 12: Sorry seems to be the hardest word, Part 2**

**_Previously:_ **

_If she was dying, right now, she would welcome it. Welcome the peace and the darkness over this harsh and hot scalding pain she couldn't stand. But at the same time that thought entered her mind, a vision entered her heart._

_Henry…_

_She had to know he was safe._

_And then, and only then, did she start to fight the darkness invading the corners of her blurred vision._

…

The contact was more acute this time. Regina felt it, press against her back, warm but not hot as the pain scalding through her, raw but not ablaze like the memories invading her mind. She smelled it, the apple-cinnamon scent of their combined Magic and felt herself give in and melt into Emma's embrace, feeling the pain become controllable once more.

When she was ready to look up this time, it was to find the light eyes of the mermaid looking at her pensively. The anger hadn't completely left them, but seemed lessened by the realization that had obviously dawned on the woman. Maybe she had been right then, Regina thought, when she had said she wasn't an idiot.

'I take it you don't want me to apologize.'

The last word allowed a sickening wave of ache to rush through her, but it was not as strong as the former ones. Regina felt how her body started to tremble and hated the portrayal of weakness. But not only had the mermaid before her just figured out the ultimate torturing device, the memories unnerved her completely, leaving her dizzy and clammy and, she might as well admit it, terrified. But there was also something else, something thrilling about hearing her own voice defy the curse that had silenced her for all these years.

'What the HELL is going on!?'

Emma's anger radiated from her, and the arms around her tightened slightly, but not aggressively. Actually, now that Regina thought about it, she couldn't remember ever being held this gently in her life.

'A mermaid's voice has certain powers. Usually it is used to charge, upgrade so to say, other spells. Sometimes it is used to bind enchantments together. In rare cases it can be used to curse someone.'

'Curse? What kind of curse?'

Emma simply continued to hold her and the words she spoke made her chest vibrate lightly against the brunette's back. Her hands were casually stroking Regina's upper arms, warming them as if it was the most natural thing in the world. A part of the former Mayor wanted to break free. A bigger part wanted to stay like this forever.

'A tongue binding curse. It's mostly used to make it impossible for people to speak about a certain event in their life. I've never before seen it been used to prevent them from saying a certain phrase, but I guess we have just proven that it can work like that as well…'

'Why? How?'

It was Snow who asked this question, her eyebrows knitted together in an exaggeration of Emma's pensive face. It pained her to see Henry in Snow, but right now, that was what happened and the tear escaped her eye without warning.

'Every time I…'

The glance in Regina's direction was obvious and the former Mayor braced herself to the impact the words would have on her.

'Apologize… Gods, look at her!'

She squirmed and trembled, her eyes closed as if that could prevent them from seeing her weakness and pain. She exhaled quivery, the lack of sound unnerving, and her eyes opened again at the sight of three pairs of them staring at her.

'Please don't make me say that again.'

Something had shifted. Ariel now seemed to quiver also and her hand lay on her throat as if uttering the word had pained her.

'Every time you apologize she is in  _that_  amount of pain?! You can't  _apologize_ without pain, Regina?'

The outrage in Snow's voice, not projected at her, but uttered in her behalf was like a balm and a electric shock at the same time for her shot nerves. It made her want to laugh and cry and for a moment she wasn't sure whether to nod or shake her head. But the answer must have been already visible in her eyes because she saw Snow's soften further.

'Actually, Snow, she can't apologize at all. Now that it isn't in her body, not connected with her heart, her voice is able to. But the curse will prevent her to ever speak the words. Although I think thinking them might provoke some sort of pain element.'

The mermaid looked at Regina in a way that made her feel like she was a rare specimen. But then again, Ariel thought a salad fork was amazingly entertaining, so she shouldn't think too much about it.

'You have to take it back…'

Ariel said it meekly and if Regina would have been herself she would have scolded at the hesitant, vulnerable sound her voice was not supposed to make.

_'A queen speaks with fortitude, Regina, not in half finished sentences and surely not laced with question. You have to breathe authority. Now try. AGAIN'_

_'Yes Mother…'_

She shook her head, the unbidden memory colliding with Ariel's words and she felt the loss of connection when she wrestled herself out of Emma's arms. She could not indulge in the comfort of them. They were not hers, she didn't deserve… Her hands formed fists once more, the nails digging in the skin of her palms in the familiar pain that grounded her.

She took a step back when she saw the determined look on Ariel's face and just kept shaking her head, as if taking back her voice would be the worst thing she could do.

And maybe, selfishly, it was. Because not being able to say the words she had chosen to keep to herself, (Her love for one Miss Emma Swan) might prove to be easier than holding them in. Than being regal and sarcastic and harsh and 'Evil Queen'. Maybe, without her voice, she could just be Regina.

Maybe.

'Oh for fuck's sake, you are the most stubborn woman alive!'

…

'I have to agree with you there…'

Had Ariel just added the infamous 'Miss Swan', it would have been all Regina. And even though it was ridiculous to miss the snide, the clipped way the brunette usually said her surname, Emma knew she couldn't deny she did.

'Take it back, Regina!'

It was very, very strange indeed to have her mother on her side in this matter. But the words were spoken determent and calm, and suddenly Emma could see why the people had chosen her as their Queen.

'I can give it back to you, but I take it you know what that requires. And although you are quite attractive, Regina, I'd rather save  _that_ for someone else _.'_

The mermaid actually winked, and a hot flash of something her stupid, idiotic brain wanted to call 'jealousy' ran through her body.

'Can we just  _PLEASE_  stop with all the cryptic bullshit?'

She could hear it in her head, feel it in the dark brown eyes she couldn't get herself to meet.

'Yeah yeah, 'Language, Miss Swan' I know, I know… But you can't say that now, don't you, so I can just say what I fucking well please,  _Your Majesty._ '

She was angry, she was so incredibly fucking angry. With this island, with this situation, with Pan, with Henry, with Regina… Regina who had cringed at the last words, as if she didn't relish the power that came with her title. Somewhere deep down, Emma knew she was being unreasonable, but she couldn't shake the burning rage in the pit of her stomach. Regina should have known, should have prevented, should have done something to not get hurt like this...

'Emma!'

It was her mother now who called her back, and she turned on her heels to give the woman a piece of her mind when she heard Ariel's voice.

'I'd have to kiss her…'

'What?!'

It left the mouth of mother and daughter simultaneously.

Ariel rolled her eyes at their ignorance, and the gesture was so  _Regina,_ that for a moment Emma contemplated the possibility that the brunette had given Ariel more than just her voice.

'For a Mermaid to give up her voice freely she would have to kiss the person she wishes to give it to… It's just the way it works.'

'Oh hell no!'

She heard the treacherous words escape her lips before she could help it and, not giving herself time to think about their reason, immediately continued.

'We are not going to condone this kind of childish behavior with a make-out session with a hot mermaid. Seriously Regina? Is that what you want? For her to come up here and kiss you senseless? Just take back your voice, for crying out loud, and stop playing this game or I will just knock you out with my magic and…!'

Regina's eyes had widened, and confusion, pain, astonishment, rage, awkwardness and surprise all seemed to fight for the right to gain a place in them. Then, Emma saw the blush shoot up to the cheeks, and something in her chest just… clicked.

'You have magic?'

Regina's voice laced with Ariel's enthusiasm was not something Emma could ever see herself get used to and she felt her jaw clench in the anger, the inexplicable, painful anger towards the almost lethargic woman by her side, as she turned to the mermaid again.

…

She saw it happening right before her eyes, but she couldn't move. Ariel's exclamation about Emma's Magic had been enough, she hadn't needed Rumple's seeing abilities to know what would happen next. But it wasn't her loss of voice that rooted her to the spot. It was her loss of something else. Something that seemed to fade away in every recalled voice echoing through her head. Something, she saw now, had never gotten her anywhere.

Regina was losing her fire, her fight, and she wasn't sure how to get it back.

She watched, unable to move, as Ariel explained Emma what she needed to do, wanted to scream when she saw the blonde, so easily, bring up the bright ball of fire that represented her voice and then, it happened, as she saw it approach. The fear, the flicker of something that touched her, that urged her, to move, to hide, to crawl away.

But she felt the blue surround her, the cinnamon-smell entering her nostrils bringing a comfort that made Regina gag. She was sick of her own need, sick of her own weakness. Sick, sick, sick of the tears that she couldn't stop finding their way down her cheeks. And when she felt the blue hue control her, subdue her, the raw heat slide down her throat, she heard the sounds without registering them.

The gasp, the sob. She clung unto her chest when her heart cringed in agony once more. The voice sounded raw and hoarse and nothing like her own.

'No… Please…'

…

Emma felt it, the Magic, she willed it, she believed it. Her anger and something else merging together when she made sure the former mayor wouldn't be tortured by her own voice again. She told herself she had no other choice, that Regina was fighting her, that she had to restrain her. But when she heard the voice she felt her heart falter… Felt her Magic falter.

'No Magic. Please…'

The plea was so earnest that it cut through Emma's heart like a knife, causing it to bleed. She threw down the hands she had been using to guide her magic, glanced at them strangely before stuffing them in her pockets, when she heard the whispered word that made her heart break. She was sure she was the only one who heard it, and then she wasn't sure if she heard it at all, the wind carrying the mumble just in her direction, making her shiver.

'Mommy…'

…

When Regina opened her eyes again her throat burned with an intensity that made her feel alive. She cleared it, cringing because of the pain but especially the _sound_ of it, deafening after the silence of her short-lived, self-chosen muteness. She immediately sat up, unaware if or whether any time had passed.

It reminded her, painfully, of a time she had spent as Wilma, when she had awoken under the tender care of the woman who was supposed to be her arch-enemy. She remembered the lightness in her chest when she had heard Snow's words, the longing she had sensed in them. But not as much as she recalled the constriction of her windpipe when it has all fallen apart again. As it always did.

The slight brush of fingers on her forehead made her wince, pull back and find the source as she finally took in the surroundings. They were still at the beach, but Ariel was no longer in sight and deep green eyes gazed into hers.

The fingers returned and now she saw their owner's lips moving as she pulled herself out of their reach.

Oh she wanted to give in. She wanted nothing more than to give in to the name she now heard fall from Emma's mouth, to the care and tenderness those grazing fingertips provided. But if she had learned anything in life, recent situation included, it was to never show anyone your weakness.

_Everything you show, can and will be used against you in the course of life…_

The adjusted version of the Miranda rights rushed through her mind and she grimaced at the memory how quickly post-curse she had adapted the phrase to her situation the moment she had heard it on some strange police-centered TV-show.

'Regina?'

'Miss Swan…'

'Really? Back to that  _again_?'

Anger flickered in the emerald eyes as the woman shook her head, but there was something else in there. Could it be… Relieve?

'Well dear, maybe if you had any regard for personal space I would not have to berate you quite so often.'

She had to see it flash again in Emma's eyes, before she recognized it. The first time she had lost Henry in the grocery store. The anger that had surfaced, mixed with her worry, when she had found him again. (She still didn't want to think about the fact that it was Mary Margaret Blanchard of all people who had pushed the young boy back into her arms).

'How long was I…'

_Out?_

She stood now, ignoring the muscular pain, the stiffness in her joints she knew to be a result of the pain that had shot through her when Ariel had said the dreaded words her heart could not allow her voice to speak.

_I'm sorry._

She glanced at Emma, but focused instead on the other woman who stood, awkwardly, at a small distance. And luckily Snow immediately understood.

'Just 10 minutes or so. Ariel thought it best to leave. She  _will_ do what you asked.'

'Good… Then… Good…'

…

_Good? Good? The woman was freaking insane!_

The last ten minutes had crawled by. With Snow whispering her never-ending reassuring comments in Emma's ear, which almost had caused her to take a swing at the woman who she had eventually just snapped at.

The anger, that was so easy to access on this island, found its way to the surface again when she heard Regina's casual words, saw her simple shrug.

_"Fine, I just got tortured but she will do what I asked so all is GOOD…"_

Did that woman have any  _regard_  for other people's feelings at all?

She stepped back, missing the warmth Regina's proximity immediately while she put up her hands in a gesture of giving up.

' _Good_ , Regina? Seriously? So, are you done, now?'

She spat out the words and pulled back further when the woman took a step in her direction, the light in those dark eyes softening again, vulnerability lingering, insecurity brought to the surface. But in a strange way, that only edged the blonde on.

'You  _are_ fucking suicidal, aren't you? Jezus Ffing Christ, can we just stop with the balconies and self-destruct triggers and the giving out our hearts to fairies and our voices to mermaids and all the other fucking self-harming psychopathic bullshit until we find OUR son? Please?

He NEEDS you, Regina! Don't you see that there are people here that need you? You can't just… check out… "Bye bye, nice knowing you!" I… I…'

Clasping a hand before her mouth, Emma felt the sob escape and she wanted to turn her back to those warm deep brown glittering eyes, those features that opened and closed up in hesitation and longing. She wanted to escape, but the alternative, meeting her mother's gaze, was not something she could face either, so her body simply rooted itself to the spot.

She felt her arms fall to the side of her body, her shoulders shocking at the intensity of the emotion that ran through her. The pain she had felt when Regina's had been so clearly etched on her face. The guilt she had felt when she had used Magic to force the brunette to take back her own voice.

Why did she always chose wrong? What kind of fucking savior was she anyway?

Her body no longer fought the tears, and she felt them pool in the crook of her neck as she closed her eyes, trying to block out the world around her.

Then, she felt the hand, tentatively, enveloping hers.

'I'm…'

The hoarse sound of frustration escaped Regina's lips, and Emma had never heard anything more painful or more beautiful. She looked up and could read the unspoken words in the other woman's features. Then, she smiled weakly, her anger evaporating, but leaving her far from empty as she squeezed the hand that trembled in hers.

'I know… I am too…'

And she hoped Regina could see how much she meant it.

…

TBC

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope that cleared up some things, please feel free to ask any questions ;) And, don't forget; Reviews are like Magic and they make the muse sing!


	13. So close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just reunited with the men, the women find themselves in the clearing once more when Pan's flute allows an unexpected event to occur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N: Thank you all so much for the follows and the favorites and the responses to this story! It means so much, you have no idea! This chapter I have a small request: Please listen to the song it is based on?
> 
> So close from the movie 'Enchanted' performed by Jon Mclaughlin

 

 Please listen to the song :)

**Chapter 13: So close and still so far**

It had happened almost at the moment of their return to the clearing. Emma had had just enough time to be awkwardly and tightly hugged by her returned father when she heard it.

The enchanting melody meandered through the trees and reached the blonde instantly. Her head snapped up at the sound, so familiar and yet so foreign in the eerie woods. It was soothing and she felt like she moved in slow-motion when she turned.

‘What  _is_  that?’

It was Snow who answered first, a surprised smile adorning her fairy-like features.

‘What’s what?’

David and Hook, who had been talking, heads close together, also looked up in confusion, clearly not hearing the music that grew louder every second.

‘It’s Pan’s flute.’

She moved on her heels to face the owner of the warm deep voice, still hoarse and slightly broken. Regina’s eyes glistered in the moonlight and seemed to look into the past rather than at her. The sad pull on those full lips made Emma’s heart wrench.

‘But… Don’t only orphans hear that?’

Snow’s voice was quite high-pitched, and Emma guessed it must be an unnerving experience to have others hear something you can not. But in this case, the woman should be glad, really. Although the music was indescribably beautiful, it pulled on strings of Emma’s heart she had not known she still possessed. The deep longing inside the organ making it feel like it was close to breaking.

‘Actually… Those who have felt utterly alone and unloved in their childhood years can hear the flute.’

Neal’s voice was so familiar, so… KNOWN. It reminded her of a time where she had found companionship, where she had hoped, where she had thought she was worthy of a better life. And that music, the soft, melancholic tones, pushed her forward.

So, when he offered his hand, she did not hesitate and laid hers in it, trustingly.

But immediately knew something wasn’t right.

He caught her eyes as they started to move to the music, the melody trying to guide them, but they stumbled, not used to the close position, not used to this way of dancing.

She almost giggled, but an unknown but undeniable force told her to keep dancing, to keep moving, because if she would stop, all hope would be lost.

‘Help us…’

Neal spoke the words urgently, in the perfect mix of demanding and begging and for a moment, Emma glanced around as to see whose assistance he was looking for.

And suddenly, everything shifted.

Regina…

Regina obeyed, the music more than Neal, Emma thought, as she saw the remains of a scorn on the woman’s beautiful face. And for a second, for a split second, her feet refused to move. Because, with the shift, something was falling into place.

If only she knew  _what_.

She moved in Neal’s arms, as Regina showed him how to swirl her, but their arms became entangled and detached.

It was instinct, nothing more, nothing less, what made her do it.

‘Show me… Please?’

With the next sound of the flute, she grasped Regina’s waist and offered her a hand, palm up, holding her breath.

The world only started to move again, when the soft hand slid into hers.

…

So close… So close to the blonde locks that they caressed her shoulders as the wind blew them in her direction. So close to the other woman her scent made Regina dizzy. She felt the music guide her, or maybe it was their Magic, entwining, their movements natural, as if they had spend all their lives dancing  _so close_  in each other’s arms.

Regina wanted to object, wanted to pull back, wanted to escape this sweet torture. But the soft skin of Emma’s hand, melting into hers, the sensation of her waist under her fingers. The feeling of the hand, sliding around her neck. Their dance was not a classic waltz, nor could she give it any other name that would be appropriate, but their movements were fluent and they seemed to anticipate on that the other would do moments before it was actually done.

It felt as if, for a moment, everything fell away when she looked into those eyes, the turquoise capturing her… She could say her heart, her soul, her shadow. But in the end it was just her. Just Regina… All of her. Caught in a moment of freedom. They, at times, moved slightly away from each other, but kept being magically drawn back as the music pulled the strings of their motions.

The hand now had slid to the place where her heart rested, and Regina felt how the organ struggled, its rhythm following the music, as if it wanted to meet the soft palm that caressed her skin.

She looked at it, at the hand that covered – _held-_  her heart, and when she looked up again Emma was smiling.

Dancing had always just been about going through the motions for her, and now it was all but that. When she saw the glitter in Emma’s eyes it crashed down on her. What this was. What she was doing.

This was the closest she was ever going to get to her true love… And that thought was exhilarating as well as devastating.

Because now, now that she knew how her heart came alive under Emma’s touch. She knew there was only one thing left to happen.

For the music to stop.

And for her moment to end.

Her breathe caught in her throat as she lost her footing, the shortest instant losing contact with the blonde, when she felt him step in.

‘ I think I get it now…’

…

Emma felt the loss instantly, the warmth that had surrounded her, the whirlwind that had made everything feel so incredibly  _right_  seemed pulled away from her the moment her fingertips grazed and missed Regina’s.

Neal took her in his arms, now, almost professionally, twirling her around, using the technique he had just copied from the former Queen. And he didn’t notice it. He didn’t notice that, when he turned her, her head snapped, but not in his direction.

Her eyes found the chocolate brown ones, as their owner leaned against a tree, her hands seemed to tremble against the bark, her cheek resting against the back of them.

And no matter how she turned, her eyes seemed magnetically pulled to the dark ones, as if that was their home.

…

It was as if her heart slowed down at the sight before her, leaving her in a strange dreamlike state. Had she been able to move, Regina was quite sure she would have found herself back into the savior’s arms, where every part of her screamed she belonged. But she was rooted to the spot, her fingernails automatically finding the inside of her palms, grounding herself, reminding herself, punishing herself. But then, as the last notes of the music echoed through the clearing, through her heart, she felt another hand cover hers.

Her first instinct had been to pull back, but to her own surprise she allowed Tinker Bell to, slowly, open her fist, before sliding her fragile, Fairy hand in hers.

It felt uneasy, unfamiliar, and yet it seemed her heart recognized the gesture, as Tink squeezed softly.

It didn’t diminish the hurt of her true love, so close and yet, so far...

But there was understanding.

And, maybe, an offer of friendship.

And right now, Regina couldn’t wish for more.

 …

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are the magic that makes the muse sing!


	14. You give me something that makes me scared, alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘You feel it too, don’t you?’
> 
> Their Magic combined again as Emma slowly pulled away her finger, showing her the blue/purple string that kept them connected, pulled their hands back together. She felt fascinated as she watched the colors merge, feeling her heart melt when their palms met.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N1: I love the support of this fandom! SQ FTW, I say! This chapter handles the aftermath of the dancing scene and Regina's emotional turmoil... But someone else if feeling the connection as well... Hope you will enjoy!
> 
> A-N2: Chapter title inspired by the song: You give me something performed by James Morrison

 

 

 

**Chapter 14: You give me something that makes me scared, alright.**

‘Regina?’

The brunette shivered when she heard her name fall from Emma’s lips. So casually and yet so tentatively it felt like a caress. She had found the spot where they had talked before, oddly drawn to the place where  Emma had made the promises that had warmed her cold, dark heart. Everything was a blur. Everything was happening so fast and yet, not fast enough. She tried to grasp the things that had happened, but she couldn’t. They flashed before her: Ariel apologizing with Regina’s voice, the blinding hot agony that had found her heart when the words had been spoken, Emma’s Magic, her worried rage… The dance…

The last hurting the most of all.

She had stepped back into the shadows when the music had ended, the enchantment the flute provided finally ending and thus freeing her from the spot. But it had been hard to tear her eyes away from the beauty that was Emma Swan. It had been not until rum was passed around, something about Hook saving a life, that she had detached herself from the group and found her way to solitude. The snark about rum not being her beverage of choice allowing her to save face.

‘Hey…’

Emma’s voice was warm and so tender and insecure its timbre resonated in her heart. Regina couldn’t help but glance sideways, the figure that was Emma approaching and coming into view, her features hidden in the shadows of the darkness.

She wanted to answer, but found herself unable to, the pale moon enlightening the blonde locks in a way that made them look a pale white gold, glowing in the darkness. It appealed to her, much like, she could imagine, a lighthouse would to a long lost sailor. The places where, only moments before, Emma had touched her in their dance, tingled in such a pleasant way, it actually hurt.

‘What is it, Regina, Mermaid’s got your tongue?’

She laughed, despite herself. The sound came out broken of course, as a good representation of what her life was all about.

‘Well, I have to admit, dear, I don’t think I’ll be likely to try  _that_  again.’

The hand that found hers and squeezed, allowing raw emotion to shoot through her with the speed of light, felt so different than Tinker Bell’s earlier. The emerald green eyes, now silently taking her in, so different from the mossy ones filled with understanding.

Because there was question in Emma’s. Question and curiosity and…

Regina swallowed as she closed her eyes, trying to suppress the heat, rippling through her.

Because there was want and desire, sweetness and care. Their combination intoxicating and drawing her in, nearer and nearer to the blonde who was just standing there with that look in her eyes.

When she ripped herself away, dropping the hand, stepping back once again, it felt like how she imagined ripping away her shadow would feel. The pain of going against everything her heart was telling her to do, making her swallow.

‘So… Someone cursed you?’

She merely nodded, glad for the distraction of conversation, while she turned to face the water once more.

‘Who? Gold?’

‘Emma…’

There was a warning in her tone that made the blonde look up, she could feel the gaze burning, pulling. But she resisted to glance in the blonde’s direction as she knew she should.

Her body still ached as she matched Emma’s movements and sat down on the damp earth, but she welcomed the physical pain over the other one, the deeper one.

‘Was that why you needed my Magic? With the paper? Your instructions?’

The insight surprised her, even though she had never truly thought Emma an ‘idiot’ as she had so many times proclaimed she did. It made her clench her fist in a familiar way, and for the first time she was truly glad for the excuse she had for the hoarseness of her voice. Ariel had told Snow it would likely take some hours if not days for it to pass, the power a mermaid could charge a voice with not something many people could bear. And it  _did_  hurt, every word she spoke, as if the inside of her throat was filled with abrasions. But with her voice so cracked and broken, maybe Emma wouldn’t see how much Regina was all those things as well.

‘Well, Sheriff, you have always felt the excessive need to apologize…’

She cringed at the last word, an echo of the earlier torture rushing through her pained muscles and she grimaced while she finished her sentence.

‘I simply thought I would use that to my advantage.’

Silence surrounded them for a moment.

‘Thank you… For… For saying the words I…’

Soft fingers found her lips and the shudder that went through Regina at the touch was not something she could possibly try to hide.

‘There is no shame in needing help sometimes, Regina. And there is no need to thank me…’

The hand dropped again and for a moment Emma looked at the bodypart as if it had done something offensive.

Which, now that Regina thought about it, of course it had. Caressing the Evil Queen’s lips was not really the purpose of the White Knight’s hands now, was it? She couldn’t help but bring her fingers up to her mouth though, mirroring the Savior’s earlier movement. The corners of her lips pulled up despite herself.

‘It might have had a slight side effect though… Since you, Sheriff, can’t be bothered to keep your foul language to a minimum, I think the residents of Storybrooke might find a surprise wrapped up in the instructions I left them.’

‘What do you mean?’

…

Emma found herself look curiously at the woman by her side, her fingertips still tingling after their short contact with the woman’s lips. They had been softer than she had imagined, more pliable. Her heart skipped a beat as she felt her eyes drawn to the full lips once more and she licked her own to hide their sudden dryness.

‘Shit… Emma.’

‘What?’

Her eyes shot up to meet dark, twinkling ones and she tried to hide the blush and the thoughts that had just entered her head, hoping the shadows of the island helped her with that.

‘You said ‘Shit’ before the words I intended to appear on that parchment, and I couldn’t erase it for the likes of me…’

Regina’s words left her momentarily speechless, but then as again she involuntarily was drawn to those full, soft lips, she saw their corners pull up.

‘Well, I know it’s not very original, Regina but… “Shiiiit!”’

 The low chuckle that escaped from the former Queen warmed Emma from within, and the electrical feeling she had sensed in her fingertips now spread through her whole body, settling in the pit of her stomach.

‘Indeed, dear. That seems to be the word of the day…’

They caught each other’s glance from the corner of their eyes. And suddenly Emma left the laughter explode, low in her abdomen.

‘Oh HELL, I can just see Archie’s face!’

She hiccoughed the sentence, the sensations suddenly rolling through her and almost gasped in awe when she heard another giggle by her side before Regina joined her in her full-on laughter.

Dark eyes brightened, head pulled back, wind in hair, hand hovering her stomach as the former Queen finally let go...

Emma had never seen a sight more beautiful.

…

‘What is happening to us?’

Her hand was captured, once again, by Emma’s as the woman reverently spoke the words, playing with her fingers carefully. Regina felt every touch, like a delicious ache, on her craving skin. Drinking, no, INHALING Emma’s tender gestures. She looked at their hands, entwined as if belonging together and felt panic spread, quickly, through her system.

‘What are you referring to, Miss Swan?’

‘Emma…’

The correction was automatic, not harsh, and Regina had to bite her tongue to not taste the woman’s name on the tip of her tongue in an obedient repeat. Instead, she huffed.

What she should be doing, what she couldn’t get herself to do, was pull back the hand Emma’s fingertips were exploring. There was something utterly romantic, but also utterly  _erotic_ , about the way skin grazed skin, nails found sensitive spots and the soft amount of pressure applied. Regina didn’t know she was holding her breath until she felt it escape in a soft sound she couldn’t describe differently than a moan.

Turquoise eyes looked up, pupils dilated, and once again the air around her froze, making it impossible for her to obtain the oxygen she needed.

‘You feel it too, don’t you?’

Their Magic combined again as Emma slowly pulled away her finger, showing her the blue/purple string that kept them connected, pulled their hands back together. She felt fascinated as she watched the colors merge, feeling her heart melt when their palms met.

_No!_

She pulled back, harshly breaking the delicate connection they were creating.

‘I have no idea what you’re talking about, Miss Sw…’

‘EMMA! Emma, Regina, it’s EMMA, that’s my name, the only thing I’ve had all my life that was truly mine! Not the surname of the foster parents who couldn’t bother to keep me when they got a child of their own. Not the job you didn’t want me to have in a fairytale town in Maine. Emma… Just… Emma…’

…

Regina swallowed. And swallowed again. The tears in the turquoise eyes beckoning her closer. But those tears were there because of her… And for more than just using the woman’s surname which, so obvious  _now,_ carried so much weight for the younger woman. She pulled back, feeling how the Magic got sucked out of the air around them as she did.

‘Emma…’

It slipped, her hoarse voice laced with tenderness and with another teary glance in her direction Emma had her pressing her fingernails into her palms once more. Because she could not allow herself to take that step closer, to pull the woman in her arms, to…

Why wasn’t her body listening to her?

‘Emma…’

Her hands acted on their own accord when they took the other woman’s shoulders. She had not forgotten how the blonde had held her shattered body, helping the pain of torture to become bearable. How could she not allow the woman the comfort of being held when demons from her past so obviously tortured her as well?

She tried to fight the urge to moan as Emma’s head found the perfect spot on her shoulder. Her hand hovered over the golden locks, but no matter how much she wanted to, she couldn’t face having to let go of their silky softness and her hand clenched into a fist again.

‘Emma…’

…

It was so pained, the way her name came out the last time, that Emma felt like she had no other choice than to look up. Her body trembled, her knees weak with something she recognized but couldn’t quite put into words. Actually… Words were pretty much a goner the moment her eyes caught Regina’s, closer than ever.

Her hand rested on Regina’s chest, the silky feel of the black camisole making her heart stop for a moment, before resuming in a much faster pace. The hum of Magic was palpable between them as they just stared at each other for what seemed like the longest time.

And then, she felt her gaze falter and pulled down to those full lips again.

‘Regina.’

She wasn’t sure if any sound had come out or if it had been just a breathe. Her body felt ablaze, the places where they touched on fire with emotion, with passion, with…

There was only one thing to do that made sense.

Turquoise eyes found brown ones again before Emma slowly let her hand slide behind Regina’s neck and pulled her closer.

…

Her lips parted, her heart pounding so loudly Regina was sure the other woman would be able to hear the organ fight for a way out of her chest just to get closer to Emma. And maybe not just hear… Maybe she could actually feel it. Their bodies were pressed together at an odd angle and when Emma had moved her head to look into her eyes, something had shifted allowing the blonde’s fingers to slide down her sternum.

She saw the turquoise dip down and glance at her lips again and when she felt the fingertips graze the back of her neck she had to bite her lip once more to prevent vocalizing her feelings.

She was so close, Regina could see the pale eyelashes clumped together by the wetness of earlier tears.

Tears…

There was nothing worse than to see a loved one hurt. She felt her own fingers itch, ache to find their way to Emma’s cheeks, to wipe away the remainder of them. But then a small voice in her head corrected her earlier thought.

_There is nothing worse than being the cause of that hurt._

‘No!’

She pushed Emma away from her violently and the woman fell back against a tree, obviously too stunned to move as she blinked in her direction.

‘Are you done now?’

She spat back the words the blonde had thrown at her earlier at the beach.

‘We have a son to worry about,  _Emma._ So I suggest we focus on that instead of on…’

‘On what, Regina? What the fuck is this? Why are you so scared of it? What the hell is going on?’

‘It’s…’

She deflated, averting her eyes and turning away.

‘It’s nothing, it’s just… This island. It plays with people’s feelings. You shouldn’t let that distract you. Need I remind you, Emma, that we are looking to save our son? So, all  _I want_ to do is take this sextant your precious father and your boyfriends finally found, rescue him and go home.’

She knew she had said it with fire, despite her broken voice. Felt it in her stance, in her straining muscles, but most of all, she saw it in Emma’s eyes, who had started to burn as well.

‘You don’t think he is in my mind all the time, Regina? You think I’m not worried sick every second of every day? I feel like a fucking zombie all the time, except when I’m with you, except when I look at you and I feel you are going through the same thing and it just feels… God dammit, woman, it feels like a connection. YOU feel like…’

Putting up a hand in a ‘casual’ movement that had been perfected after many years of practice, Regina felt her heart plummet in her chest.

‘Well, while you are looking for connections, I would rather look for our son.’

She succeeded in sounding indignant, arrogant, condescending. Anything to hide the pain that roared through her, seeping through her veins as an icy potion. The hurt in Emma’s eyes finally got replaced by the anger she had been aiming for, knowing it was something she could handle better.

‘Fuck you, Regina, just… Fuck you!’

Or so she thought. The words cut through her like a knife, but she held her ground as the blonde turned on her heels and started to storm off.

Looking over her shoulder to allow her voice to carry through the small clearing, Emma delivered the message.

‘I can’t believe I thought you were actually changing.’

And, with those words and together with the raging blonde, all hope left the riverside once more.

…

TBC

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ps: I know I know... Its a slow burn alright. :S Thoughts? Reviews equal Magic...


	15. All my dreams were shattered, all at once

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina rages at Hook, but maybe for a different reason than she is letting on. Emma needs to get in touch with her emotions to create much needed Magic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N1: I play hot and cold with canon, this chapter (this story), where you might recognize some scenes, they may be in different order and have a different meaning.
> 
> A-N2: Chapter title inspired by the Whitney Houston song 'All at once' (be warned)

 

**Chapter 15: And all my dreams were shattered, all at once.**

 

She kicked the rock without aim, without reason as well, just because it was there, and HELL she felt like kicking something. Regina’s words kept running through her head. The way she had dismissed the connection Emma was sure the other woman had felt too. Another rock suffered from her foul mood and she watched the stone fly into the shadow of the Neverland forest.

The darkness filled her, as she stared into it, doubt suddenly clouding the certainty she had just felt. How many times had she thought she had a connection with a foster parent? With one of the other orphans who had promised to stay in touch and never ever did? How many times did she have to be disappointed to see life, HER life, simply didn’t work that way?

Even her parents, no matter how much they told her they loved her now, had severed the ties with her so she could fulfill her  _destiny_  and save them all. Well hip hip hurray.

And she herself had not become much better. She hadn’t even allowed herself to look at the baby that had grown inside her all those months, the cry that had filled her senses already too much for her to bear. She had become hard, like the stone she had just kicked into the darkness and had not allowed herself to make any connection at all, especially after Neal.

The only one who had, successfully, shattered the wall she had build around her heart, was Henry. He had snuck in unexpected, a coup she couldn’t have possibly prepared for, and she loved him with all her heart.

So why this sudden yearning to connect? Something she hadn’t allowed herself to do for so long, something she couldn’t get herself to do with the people that were her parents.

Was it the island, like Regina said?

Or was there something more?

‘You alright there, love?’

She turned to face the man approaching her, hiding the scowl the last word provoked.

‘Those rocks attacked you? Need me to defend the fair lass?’

‘I can do my own defending, Hook!’

‘Aye, that you do, love, I have yet to see you fail.’

His eyes were kind and filled with a sort of admiring pride that went beyond the physical, beyond the obvious, beyond the ‘Savior’ thing. She captured his eyes as he, carefully, came closer and suddenly she saw a sadness in them she recognized. The pain of loss, of memories, of wanting to forget.

His smile dulled a little as he looked away, shortly, before meeting her eyes again. A confident mask now in place to hide the sadness in them.

Now  _that_  she could work with.

The banter came easy, when he approached, his intention clear, and it seemed the most natural thing in the world to simply delivered the lines of this well rehearsed play.

‘Please, you couldn’t handle it.’

She huffed at him, turning around to leave, but he grasped her arm and pulled her back. The proximity so wrong and so... safe at the same time. Not safe as in protected, but safe as in whatever the fuck happened, it wouldn’t be life altering. And it was good to feel. To feel something alive and close, pulling her in and not pushing her away.

‘Perhaps you’re the one who couldn’t handle it.’

Never one to shy away from a challenge she took the lapels of his ridiculously ruffled shirt and reeled him in.

Trying to tell herself it didn’t feel incredibly wrong.

…

Regina felt lost, although she wasn’t. Not literally that is. In all the other senses of the word, she surely was. It wasn’t until a rock had flown very near to her shin that she had realized where her feet (her heart?) had led her to and, since then, she had been unable to pull away her eyes from the blonde who looked as forlorn as Regina felt herself. Her heart ached with the words she couldn’t speak. 

She regretted breaking the frail (or maybe not so frail) connection that had been between them, but she told herself it had to be done. There was no other way. This woman, this amazing, beautiful woman deserved a chance at happiness and she would do everything she could to give it to her.

But, gods, was it hard…

The pull, the urge, to just go, step into the light and allow the blue hue of Emma’s Magic to envelope her, those strong arms to protect her and allow herself to take of the mask she had worn almost as long as she could remember. The yearning to give in and stop fighting this feeling, was so overpowering it constricted her airway. Grounding herself the only way she knew how, she clutched her hand into a fist and dug the nails deep into the flesh, still unable to take her eyes of off the form of Emma Swan.

And then, Hook had entered.

She had scowled at their initial interaction, resenting the man for his excessive need to use flirting and petnames in his communication. She had seen them walk around each other, unsure in her observation who resembled the hunter and who the prey.

But her heart stopped when she saw it. The intent in his eyes. The allowance in hers. She watched on as one, she could imagine, would a train crash. Unable to stop the events from happening, but also unable to pull away her eyes from the wreckage that she knew would follow.

A hand on a ruffled shirt, and the pain of finding out who was the hunter in the end.

The tears dropped, as silent as the scream caught in her throat, when she saw Emma make the connection the blonde had been seeking. The one Regina had rejected. The one she had shattered with her hurtful words.

Her eyes finally closed in a begging for reprieve. But the comfort of the darkness never came. Instead, branded, brightly, in her retina, the picture was etched on the inside of her eyelids.

The image of a kiss she could have shared, and that was now given to another.

With a silent sob, Regina felt what was left of her heart break.

…

Regina Mills raged… And, Emma had to admit, she was gorgeous in her rage. The brunette faced the pirate with a fire that brought, strange enough, chills to her spine.

_The Evil Queen living up to her reputation._

Emma cringed, the thought childish and petulant, even only resounding in her own head. Because the woman before her hadn’t taken any hearts, thrown any fireballs or did anything that would be classified as ‘Evil’, despite approaching Hook with so much fierceness in her eyes it didn’t surprise her he raised his hands and stepped back. (Hell, it wouldn’t have surprised her if he had thrown down his sword and ran, screaming like a sissy.)

‘I can’t help it either, love, it simply wasn’t there.’

The blonde felt her stomach do an odd thing when she saw Regina’s face, something as human as hurt and despair flashing through those deep brown eyes before the distorting cold anger took over once more.

‘So are you  _trying_  to tell me you spent all this time and energy to actually come up with  _nothing?_ Whatever have you been doing if not find the only thing that is missing to achieve our goal? Playing ‘teaparty’ with the Lost Boys?’

Her voice, still hoarse but less so, was lower than Emma was used to, and she was suddenly aware that, no matter what had gone on between them in a pre-curse time, she had never been  _truly_  threatened by the brunette. Not like this. Maybe she indeed had no idea what Regina was capable of.

‘So useless… Do you know what I do, Pirate, with things that hold no value to me?’

The former Queen took another step, her hand, with a mere flick of the wrist, conjuring a blinding hot ball of fire, and Emma knew she couldn’t hold back any longer.

‘Regina, come on. The sextant wasn’t  _there_. We will find it…’

…

‘And every second that we don’t, our son is being brainwashed by the hands of not-so-youthful delinquents,  _Savior._  But of course I should have expected you to jump up and defend your  _boyfriend!’_

Why, in the name of hell and all the gods, that last word had had to come out as cracked as it did?

They were facing each other, as they had so many times before. Times that now were flashing through Regina’s mind with the speed of light. The way her breath had caught in her throat every time the blonde defied her. The intensity of their stares, whether it involved a casket of apples, a cut off branch on a tree, a lost son in a mine or a fist fight born out of jealousy had always infuriated her because of the weakness it brought. The weakness that had lead to the last moment where they had been face to face… So close, so painfully close…

The weakness she now felt constricting her chest as she realized she was circling the blonde in a much too close imitation of a scene she had just witnessed. Her feet immediately rooted to their spot.

‘He is  _not…_ ’

‘Oh save it for someone who actually  _cares_ , dear.’

The way Emma’s jaw tensed up was so beautiful it made Regina want to moan and cry at the same time. She felt empty and heavy and loaded. And although she hated the fact the men had returned from their mission empty-handed, she knew that was not what was causing her loss of control.

Because everything was spiraling out of control.

She closed her eyes, the vision burned into her retina returning instantly, causing her to open them as quickly as she had.

Emma.

Emma who was still looking at her, though now pensive, with something that resembled a smirk. Her eyebrow raised in question at the last words she had offered.

_Oh damn!_

She had forgotten about the savior’s so called ‘superpower’.

The world shifted for a moment when she looked into those emerald eyes, those  _knowing_  eyes, causing her to swallow. Only years of practice allowed her to remain upright, the melancholy that filled her more painful than the earlier torment Rumple’s curse and a Mermaid’s words had brought upon her.

‘Do you even understand the importance of this? Or does your brain not allow you more than one thought at a time? Without the sextant, without its guidance, we will never be able to return to Storybrooke!’

She hissed it, the words that she saw unbalanced the woman in front of her. A sickening satisfaction mixed with a shattering disappointment when Emma averted her eyes. Desperate for something to break through the silence that thickened around them, she was grateful for the light voice of Tinker Bell although it took her some time to determine the meaning of the simple words.

‘And Magic?’

She tore her eyes away from Emma’s, finding the Fairy’s who held out the parchment map.

‘Of course!’

Knowing how to seize an opportunity for distraction when it offered itself, she wanted to step passed the blonde and towards the parchment the Fairy held out for her.

But she hadn’t counted on her Magic to have different thoughts.

…

Emma felt the fingers wrap around her wrist, the jolt of electricity so pure and yet so pleasing it made her knees weak. It flashed, the expression of surprise on Regina’s face, almost as if her hand had acted on its own accord. But the emotion was hidden before the blonde could blink to get a better look. She felt the other woman’s Magic pulse through her, could sense it in her fingertips and taste it on the tip of her tongue. But the now familiar feeling had an additional heavy sadness to it that unnerved her making her racing heart slow down and pick up its pace in a dizzy-making arrhythmia.

Regina’s free hand grasped the parchment out of Tinker Bell’s, and the look of understanding was passed between the two women made inexplicable flames appear in Emma’s abdomen, clawing up at her throat and chest.

The soft gratitude in those dark brown eyes filled the blonde with a raging want, a longing like she had never felt before, a lashing jealousy she couldn’t possibly contain. Her wrist, still connected with Regina’s hand, hummed with Magic, and she felt how the sensation seemed to seep from her into the other woman’s skin when the place of their touch burned, causing the brunette to quickly let go.

‘The next time you want to ‘charge’ from me, maybe you should ask…  _Your Majesty.’_

She almost missed the cringe Regina couldn’t hide at hearing those last words, but the words that were making the way out of her mouth had already passed the point of no return.

‘But then again, anything for our son. So…’

She held out her hand, palm up, offering it to the other woman.

‘Wanna charge some more, my lady? Share a  _connection_?’

There was something about Regina that always did that to her. Made her want to crawl under the woman’s skin and say these things she immediately regretted the moment they came out of her mouth. She saw the little jerk of Regina’s lip to indicate the last word had hit its target, her reference to the moment they had shared and Regina had so coolly played down and smoothed over lingering between them in the air. But then, just as Emma was about to apologize, the smirk, the mask, was back and angry eyes glared into hers, making her doubt the pain had been there in the first place.

‘Actually, dear, _I_  was charging  _you_. I’ll not be the one doing Magic. YOU are.’

…

‘Focus.’

She hid her trembling hands behind her back, getting up as she watched Emma close her eyes in a way that reminded her of Henry making a birthday wish. The memory filled her with a bittersweet choking sensation she immediately swallowed away.

‘Concentrate!’

She knew she said it more harshly than would be necessary, but the blonde’s proximity was a torture Regina couldn’t get herself to face longer than she absolutely had to. The kiss she had witnessed had left her raw and aching with tears she couldn’t spill.

‘That’s kind of hard when you are talking in my ear!’

The glimpse of something different than anger that flashed in those green bright eyes almost made Regina stumble. She felt the pull, so strong, when she walked around the blonde, her scent invading her nostrils and she cringed at the weakness she felt ripple through her.

‘Or when the wind blows, or it’s raining, or… Someone is shooting arrows at you.’

It hurt, it hurt so incredibly much, every time she looked at the other woman, images of the one-handed pirate invaded her, as well as murderous thoughts.

‘Concentration is hard, that’s the point. Find your anger and use it to focus!’

That was what she was trying to do herself, but her Magic was waving in a sadness she couldn’t possibly control. She tried, again and again, to pull up the anger, to cover her other emotions with the rage she was so used to. But right now, no matter how angry she was, it just wasn’t enough and she knew it.

‘No! There has to be a way without going dark!’

She took a step back, the sentence physically hurting her, the disgust in Emma’s eyes, the realization that that meant she had taken the right decision. She could never tell the blonde of their connection. Emma despised her. Resented the dark, crumbled barely beating heart inside of her. She felt her walls pull up automatically, the defensive snark a reflex she could not suppress.

‘You’re such a pathetic waste of ability,  _Miss Swan_.’

The moment the name slipped, she froze, her heart stopping and her eyes widening. She had swallowed the surname a dozen times already, Emma’s confession so raw she could feel it like abrasions on her skin. Looking up, the necessity to apologize lay agonizingly heavy in her chest. Her eyes found the green ones and she saw in the way they had glazed over, they didn’t see  _her_ , only the past. But then when they focused, finally capturing the dark brown, Regina felt every fiber of her being break. Because if she thought she had seen hatred there before. It was nothing compared to this.

‘You’re a monster!’

And at that moment, she knew indeed she was.

…

_You are nothing, nothing, nothing!_

The sounds from her past rang through her ears as she pulled herself back to the present, Regina’s words, the way she had said her name, the name she  _knew_  would cause her pain. She heard herself scream something, but hardly paid attention to the words as she spat them at the brunette, her heart pounding, stomach churning in a neverending swirl of nausea. She had never been good enough. Ever. For anyone.

Then, she saw Regina’s eyes, saw the soul, so carefully hidden behind armor, break into pieces and her own words echoed back to her.

_You’re a monster._

The high-pitched short-lived scream drew their attention and she saw Regina waver slightly before finding her footing as she made her way to its source.

Tinker Bell had dropped the parchment, the flames erupting from it a bright golden blue.

Before she even had a chance to be horrified, the fire was already extinguished, leaving the paper unharmed.

‘There.’

Regina’s voice sounded cold and lifeless as she pointed at the extra cross marked on the map, indicating where they would be able to find the sextant.

‘You found your anger.’

Emma was quite sure she was the only one who noticed the unusual lack of confidence and balance in Regina’s step when she made her usual exit.

***

 

TBC

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Already some people have complained (complimented?) of torture, and I am aware and would have to agree this chapter could be very well fit in that category. Please don't send a hitman my way (yes, my friend, you know I am talking to you :P) for I only have a Swan Queen heart and will, eventually, lead our ladies to where they belong. Also: I couldn't resist the monster-scene. There was so much potential there instead of just, out of the blue, make Emma call Regina that. so... There's that.
> 
> Thoughts? Reviews are magical!


	16. Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With both women feeling hurt and guilty over their interaction, they each get their share of support. But not from the source they need it from. A certain Firefly is getting on SOMEONE's nerves ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N1:Thank you all mo much for your support, follow's, fav's and comments! You are the best!
> 
> A-N2: Chapter title inspired by Jewel's 'Foolish Games'.

 

**Chapter 16: Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.**

The day must have faded into night long ago, the shadows of Neverland not allowing anyone to see the difference. The rhythm of her step felt dull and oddly comforting as she counted along with it, allowing others to lead where she had for so many years. As Queen, as Mayor.

It was a funny thing, power. She had never wanted it as a child, never yearned for it like she had for love. The love of her mother, the support of her father. Her thoughts faltered as she thought of Daniel, the pain she had felt over losing him, the pain she had felt when Whale had brought him back, and despite all her happiness she knew he would never be able to love what she had become. Whale had said he had created a monster, but Regina knew the real monster had not been the resuscitated stable boy. The monster had always been her. And was made by quite the different creator.

Maybe her only real chance would have been then, when she was still young, innocent, practically untainted. Maybe she could have been happy, tending to horses, living by the day. She had never cared for gold. Or dresses. Or those terrible balls and courts that dragged on forever.

She had positively hated plucking taxes, allowing or forbidding hunting, sentencing, ruling. All these decisions she had been unsure about without ever being allowed to show her doubts. Because she had soon found out her mother had been right about one thing. If an enemy smelled weakness, they would attack. No, it had never been her desire to rule and her grasp of power had in the end been not for longing but for necessity. Pushing her mother out of her life, escaping that prison… Only to be captured in a new one instantly.

And then, at a certain point in her life she had looked into the mirror and had seen that power was all she had. All she could seize. A funny thing, how people tended to hold on to what they had. Maybe it was the fear of knowing that, letting go, there would be nothing left. So she had held onto her power. And held onto her Magic. And held onto her anger. Because those had been all that she thought were left to her.  And only now she saw. None of them had done her any good.

And glancing at the blonde who didn’t want to meet her gaze she knew, deep down inside she was still the little girl that wanted nothing more than to be loved.

…  

Regina was distracted. Emma noticed the way she didn’t pay attention to where she put her feet, and tried to do it for her. A few times, she saw Mary Margaret frown at her when her hand flew up, trying to assist the former Queen, before quickly pulling back again remembering their recent ‘interaction’. She wasn’t sure if she felt more angry or guilty, but the later one was winning out every time she caught sight of those dark eyes glancing over. She tried to smile at Snow, knowing it wasn’t very convincing when the woman raised her eyebrows.

But at least her mother’s inquiring looks were better than Neal’s pout and Hook’s smugness. The latter had held vines and offered hand (or Hook) to help her over a rock a little too many times before she had snapped at him, making his expression mirror Neal’s. For fuck sake… Men!

A soft hand around her wrist, reminding her about Regina’s touch not too long ago, halted her. But Snow’s touch had nothing on the former Mayor’s, and Emma had the nagging thought that wasn’t only because the woman didn’t have magic. Hook was leading them to the place on the map, so it wasn’t so terrible to fall slightly behind as long as they kept track of the last person in the group. Regina… And, oddly annoying, Tinker Bell who, at times, held out a hand which the brunette absentmindedly used for balance.

‘What’s going on with you?’

‘Huh? What?’

Tearing her eyes away from the image of Tink’s ‘chivalry’, Emma tried to focus on her mother’s question.

‘What in the name of the gods is going on with you two?’

She cringed, automatically. She had never had a mother, so she had never had such a watchful eye on her before as well. Ah hell, she might as well admit it.

‘I kissed Hook…’

‘What does that have to do with… Wait? What?  _Hook?’_

Snow’s eyes had momentarily been drawn to Regina’s retreating figure, but were immediately on her again.

‘Ehh, well, yeah. It didn’t mean anything or…’

‘But what about…?’

‘Neal? That ship has sailed  _so_  long ago…’

Hazel eyes flickered again in the direction of the group, and for a moment Emma felt like she should have let Snow finish her sentence. But just when she was about to ask something, her mother simply blinked and shook her head.

‘So why did you kiss him? If it didn’t mean anything?’

She shrugged, suddenly very uncomfortable under the other woman’s stare.

‘I just… Wanted to connect.’

She felt the pull and looked up, her eyes immediately finding the dark ones of the person looking back. Regina broke the contact as soon as it was there, though, focusing instead of the Fairy, who was saying something that obviously made her smile.

Something inside Emma growled.

_Firefly!_

‘Let’s go, we shouldn’t lose them.’

Not paying attention in the slightest to vines, poison ivy or rocks, Emma strode in the direction of the group, telling herself the aggression in her step had nothing, what so ever, to do with the playful way Tinker Bell tried to cheer up Regina.

…

‘And then, the “Fairy Dust”, which was actually powder of the Poppy, just flew everywhere! The Dwarfs slept for 3 days!’

She heard Charming’s laughter and Hook’s huff, as if he had already heard Tink’s story before but still found it amusing and Regina looked up, realizing she had missed most of it. With Snow and Emma falling behind it was like someone was pulling the strings of her heart and she found herself glancing back every once in a while, the odd sensation only relieving slightly when she caught sight of the blonde woman’s form.

‘Oh come on, Regina… It  _is_ funny!’

The hand on her upper arm tugged on the corners of her lips, but she felt the smile fade before it had a chance to become full. As Tink followed her eyes during the quick glance she stole, the mossy green darkened slightly. With sadness or anger, Regina wasn’t quite sure.

‘I don’t think she meant it, you know. It  _was_  totally uncalled for…’

‘Oh,  _was_ it now, dear? If I remember correctly, not too long ago you said something similar. Was  _that_  uncalled for as well?’

She didn’t wait for an answer as she inhaled deeply, planning to continue, her anger allowing her to feel a spark of life again. But the Fairy surprised her by providing one anyway.

‘It was.’

‘ And she… What?’

The mossy eyes before her looked back with guilt written all over them, and a small smile that made Regina’s heart jump in a remembrance of old times, appeared around the Fairies mouth.

‘I said those things to lure you out, Regina… You have never been one to  _open_  up easily… And considering our history, I didn’t think asking you friendly, was going to help. I hadn’t counted on your love for your son.’

Tink put up her hand as an indication to stop her, clearly still knowing her well enough to see she was about to interrupt.

‘So yes, it was uncalled for. And, even though it hurt me at the time, and it took me many years to get there, I understand why you sent me away that day… Why you didn’t go in.’

Her eyes grew wide with the sadness she saw in Tinker Bell’s eyes, indicating that, maybe, indeed she did. The shock of that realization, as well as the terrified words stuck in her throat, must have been visible on her face when she glanced at the two women returning to the group, because Tink gently placed palm against her cheek and drew back her attention.

‘Fairies hear wishes, Regina. Sometimes it’s a jumble and you don’t get to figure things out until much later, but we do hear them. And I am so sorry I heard yours too late. I don’t know what I could have done to help. But I should have,  _would have_  tried…’

The Fairy’s voice kind of died down and broke at the last sentences, and Tinker Bell dropped her hand as well as her eyes.

‘Hey…’

The word was filled with… With everything. It jumbled into her abdomen, dazzling her as she looked aside at the woman who was making her feel this way. Who was the reason for the amazing, horrifying, agonizing, liberating and constricting feeling that exploded in her chest every time she caught those turquoise eyes. The woman who stood there, her eyes swirling with as much emotion as that one short word.

Anger, forgiveness, guilt, pain, apology, worry, tenderness.

‘Hey…’

Her own voice sounded low, and slightly mocking which made a corner of Emma’s mouth pull up. A sight that had never been more welcome.

‘You coming?’

The quick glance Emma casted in Tinker Bell’s direction made Regina freeze in surprise and blink. There was something dark and intense in there that reminded her of what she herself wanted to do to a certain Pirate. Tink had seen it too, Regina noticed in the form of a playful wink and a suggestive eyebrow movement at the alternative meanings the words could have, and she simply huffed, horrified to feel a blush reach for her cheeks.

…

The red rushing to Regina’s face would have been amazing, if the brunette had not been looking at that damn Firefly at the time! Emma saw how the dark brown eyes lit up, and the curve of those full lips, pressed together, changed slightly. She noticed every little change which wasn’t such a strange thing. She had always been good at reading people, at finding the give-aways in their poker-faces. What was absurd however, was the strange twirling feeling that each changed feature drew out. Her stomach felt weird, as if she was hungry or about to throw up, and as she glanced back and saw the Fairy smile gently at the former Mayor, the sharp pain that shot through her body made her want to sob. All the emotions she had ever felt seemed to fight with each other for a first place in her heart when Regina’s eyes found hers again and the woman nodded.

Happiness, fear, shyness, guilt, gratitude, pain.

It all followed each other in a neverending rollercoaster ride.

Their eyes seemed to be locked and for the shortest (most amazing) moment, Emma thought Regina was reaching out to take her hand, when Tinker Bell stepped in and took it instead.

‘Yes, we should get going, now, shouldn’t we, if we ever want to reach the caves.’  

Emma blinked when she heard the Fairy’s voice hesitate at the last word, tremble, as if just the idea of a dark hole inside a rock was the scariest ever. It drew Regina’s attention too, she noticed, as the woman’s head snapped towards her new found, much too cuddly, best friend.

Then, before the blonde could do as much as breathe, Tinker Bell suddenly flew into Regina’s arms. It would have been funny to see the brunette tense up, the arms at first, aimlessly, lingering in the air, hands slightly trembling, the back upright as if a rod had been pushed through her spine. It would have been a hilarious sight, had it not been for the way those hovering arms suddenly clung on, the hands finding the curve of the Fairy’s back, the back bending when leaning into the hug.

Yes, Emma thought, as she turned around, kicking at the nearest available stone in sight and feeling her foot slip as she didn’t even come close to connecting with the rock. It would have been laughable if it hadn’t been so damn heartbreaking.

…

It had startled her, at first, the unexpected fierceness of the embrace almost making her forget the question that was on the tip of her tongue. She had felt herself freeze before she remembered… Before she allowed herself to recall the warmth the Fairy had brought, once, to her life, when she had swirled in and taken reign completely, even if it just had been for the shortest of moments. It had been so long, then, that she had been touched in genuine affection. Not since Daniel. Her father, no matter how much he had loved her, never had been the type for physical display of affection, she had tried everything in her power to hold off Snow, and her husband… A cold chill made her hold onto the Fairy a little tighter, the warmth of her kindness soothing slightly the permanent ache in her chest.

She found herself smiling, thinking how stiffly she had responded the first times Tinker Bell had hugged her, back then, until, one night, after an especially horrid dream, she had woken up to find the Fairy waiting. Holding her, comforting her. It had always been hard for her to show weakness, but at that moment it had felt like her misery simply seeped out of her and was shared, even though no words of comfort or explanation were ever offered.

‘Regina, please, believe me when I say I really  _did…_  really  _do_  care about you. Please remember that. Whatever you hear about me…’

The words, breathed almost frantically, in her ear, made Regina’s eyes grow wide, earlier ones about their destination suddenly resounding through her mind as she pulled herself out of the embrace. She was pulled back, however and absentmindedly registered soft lips being pressed to her cheek.

‘Where  _are_  we going, exactly?’

She felt the panic rise in her throat, like bile, insuppressible as she let her fingertips wander to her face, caressing the small patch of skin that had just been graced with such affection. Why had she not paid better attention to the map? Why had she allowed others to take over leadership on this island she knew better than any of them? Why had she allowed herself to lose control? The urge to know, to demand to know now, ached as a habit, pulling her back into the fierce pain of the situation she was in. The fake blanket of reassurance she had allowed herself to, frightened, cover under, was discarded and she tried to pull her shoulders back, telling herself she was strong enough to hear the answer she knew was coming.

‘The echo caves.’

Regina smiled at the irony of being in a place where you had to believe things in order to make them true, smirked at the thought of her lack of capacity to even convince herself when she proved her last thought wrong and slipped into the dark safety of unconsciousness. 

 

_TBC_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ps. sorry couldn't resist the 'Hey' interaction... The way Regina said it (way earlier) in canon was just too dreamy to pass up the opportunity. ;) 
> 
> A-N: Hey ho, hey ho, to the echo caves we go! If you have the time, let me know what you think!


	17. Your presence still lingers here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a hitch in the plan to enter the echo caves and get the sextant. Regina is thrown back into memories once more, and 2 other women seem to know more than they have let on so far...
> 
> ‘Woaaa, easy there, tiger.’
> 
> ‘I don’t roar, dear, I bite.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N1: I know a lot of you (including myself if Im honest) had your heart set on the Echo Caves part of the story. And it IS coming, I promise. The 2 upcoming chapters are planned with nothing but echo caves all around! Thanks to everyone for your heartfelt comments, Pm's follows and favs, you guys are the best! 
> 
> A-N2: Chapter title inspired by Evanescence’s my immortal

 

 

**Chapter 17: Your presence still lingers here**

 

_***_

_The smell of him, the heaviness of him on top of her drifts in and out of her reality. Sometimes he simply is another, someone unknown, without a face. Never Daniel, she can’t taint the memory of Daniel with this. Just not him. Sometimes it is **she**  who is another. In her mind always in control. Not this powerless sensation, not this submission she has been forced into. Never again. She dreams away and is pulled back, time and time again. The words whispered in her ears altering from sweet imagined nothings to the real ones that haunt her in her darkest dreams…_

***

A wet cloth was draped around her forehead in a far too familiar way. Regina wanted to swat at it, the touch of the woman she knew to be taking care of her too unbearable, now more than ever. But as she tried to move, she felt the weight of her muscles wearing her down. She heard the moan and pondered it before realizing the sound came from her and it took an amazing effort to open her eyes.

‘Snow…’

She had to clear her throat and repeat the name for it to come out audible and acknowledge the woman hovering over her. The Princess at least had the sensibility of mind to retract her caring hands, freeing Regina of the torment of touch after her horrifying glimpse of her own past. Nausea clawed at her stomach and she felt the panic raging in her eyes, not able to sum up enough power, Magic or anger to suppress it. It was not until she heard the voice she felt it flicker and diminish, the agonizing feeling of wanting to crawl out of her own skin reduced to the more bearable variant she had learned to live with.

‘Regina?’

As she began to take in more of her surroundings, however, another sort of panic started to arise. However had they managed to move her this far? The entrance of the cave came into view as she tried to sit up, Emma’s unruly, curly locks surrounding her like a halo as the woman crouched beside her. She wasn’t sure which of the two sights was more responsible for her palpitations.

‘How did I get here?’

Although she had managed to put a small amount of dignity in her voice, it was nowhere near the demand she had meant to utter, trying to erect the walls around her heart that were crumbling so much faster than she could build.

_Gods, why couldn’t Henry have been kidnapped to another realm?_

Andalusia? Even the Enchanted Forest or Wonderland, now that it was no longer ruled by her mother, would have been preferable over this cursed land, where memories ran as wild as imagination and she was haunted by shadows of her past.

…

Emma saw the chocolate brown eyes of her son’s other mother slip in and out of focus, the dilating pupils drawing her in as if she would be able to see the woman’s memories if she would just dive in deep enough.

The question was one that threw her off, as it had happened in a haze and she had found herself working together with a woman she  _still_  in the strangest way, wanted to strangle.

‘Tink and I kind of… Erm… carried you.’

Charming had offered, as had Hook. Her mother simply had thrown her a knowing look she didn’t understand as she rebuffed all but the Fairy’s help. She wasn’t sure why she had let the firefly anywhere near Regina, but she thought it had something to do with what Snow had muttered. That that  _was_  what the former Queen would want. She had even wanted to step back, even though the emptiness in the pit of her stomach had churned at that thought, but when Tinker Bell had contemplated using Magic to bring Regina to their destiny, she had rushed forward and put her foot down.

No Magic.

Not while Regina couldn’t give her consent.

‘Carried?’

The question, laced with an odd kind of insecurity that came close to panic, made her think Regina followed the path of her own thoughts.

‘We didn’t use Magic… I didn’t want to… erm…’

Making some sort of weird gesture that could have meant anything, for a split second Emma felt foolish, but then she saw the understanding and relieve in those amazing eyes.

‘That was very considerate of your part.’

She almost smiled and shook her head at the clipped, strangled way the words came out, waving away the awkwardly expressed gratitude. No matter how bad the former Queen was at giving a simple ‘Thanks’, it made Emma feel bad about the physical and emotional reactions she had had, feeling the woman so close to her as she had carried her.

‘Thank you…  _Emma._ ’

_Oh fuck!_

The apology lay in the use of the name as well as the eyes, and if she had felt guilty before, those brown depts, looking up at her, made her cringe in realization of the insulting words she had spoken to the other woman.

‘Regina…’

…

Regina saw it in the light eyes, the understanding of the words she couldn’t speak and swallowed away the tears that seemed to build up in the back of her throat when she saw the similar sentiment returned to her.

She held up her hand, not needing to hear the words, and shouldn’t have been as surprised as she was when she felt the soft warmth envelop her forearm. The Magic the gentle touch of Emma trying to help her up evoked, sizzling in the silence. She heard a gasp, and was quite certain it was Snow’s, but couldn’t get herself to care very much as her vision started to blur again. Grasping the blonde’s other forearm, Regina stumbled, cursing her clumsiness and lightheadedness as she felt the savior lounge her body forward and catch her.

‘Woaaa, easy there, tiger.’

‘I don’t roar, dear, I bite.’

Regina blinked and clenched her teeth together in an attempt to remain upright without support, she felt energy fill her and looked up in surprise, her focus refound, to catch the normally turquoise eyes before her lit up in the brightest blue she had ever seen.

It was magnificent.

‘Emma.’

‘Shit, sorry!’

Realizing she had done Magic without meaning to, the blonde let go of her a little too sudden, allowing her to disgracefully search for her footing once more. But the strength Emma had so selflessly shared with her still rushed through her veins.

‘Your tendency to link those words has gotten us in trouble before, dear.’

The grimace adorning the Saviors face, both shameful and filled with a childlike joy, made sure Emma knew what she had been referring to. Blonde threshes lit up in moonlight and moved slightly in the wind as the woman shook her head and swatted at her hand.

…

‘Are we going to do this, or what?’

Neal, his hands in his pockets, looked like a petulant child as he suspiciously eyed the entrance of the cave. But, to her surprise, Emma felt the woman beside her cringe and saw Hook look away, a grimace on his face. Tink, who just had entered the clearing and now smiled in Regina’s direction a little less brightly than she had before, was actually trembling.

‘Jezus, are there Magical wild animals in there for us to battle or something? What’s with these caves, anyway?’

As Hook, started to explain, his natural bravado nowhere to be found, about secrets and their echoes, Emma began to feel how the air deflated from her lungs.

‘You are forgetting something, Killian…’

The unusual sound of Hook’s name made her blink as she saw Tinker Bell tightly smile at the pirate. God, did the Firefly have a history with everyone? Not that it bothered her that she seemed to know Hook. Hell, maybe she could convince the Fairy to turn to him for some Magical Fairylike ‘charging’ affection instead of to Regina.

‘Am I, love?’

‘The caves of course hold their own kind of Magic. Pan’s Magic. He would never allow us all in.’

‘What do you mean?’

Snow’s voice sounded strong, no sound of hesitation in them as if the idea of giving up her darkest secret had no effect on her what so ever.

‘She means, dear, that Pan will have found a way to balance out the amount of magic that can enter the cave.’

Regina sounded steady as well, only the glimpse of fear Emma caught in those dark eyes betraying the brunette, before the emotion was expertly hidden.

 ‘Non-magical creatures like yourself, no offence, should have no problem entering. But Regina, Emma and me, we might pose a threat to him, especially together. He would only allow one of us in there.’

‘Which should be me!’

Her voice merged together with that of a certain brunette and Regina’s head snapped in her direction.

‘No offense, Madame Mayor…’

Regina pressed out a haughty laugh, which somehow seemed to cost her more trouble than usual.

‘Oh, dear. Are you going to admire my ability to sit in an office chair again? Your physical strength so  _superior_ … You Tarzan? Yes?’

Dark eyes flickered with hint of amusement and Emma found herself remembering that day she had rescued Henry from the mines. The intensity in those eyes then, when Regina had stepped closer to her, had made her hands tingle in a strange desire she had not allowed herself to think about. Now, as the brunette mimicked that old movement, Emma felt the same, but in thousand-fold and it didn’t surprise her that she knew, now, exactly what she wanted to do.

Her eyes dropped to the woman’s full lips in front of her and she swallowed, her throat suddenly dry, her hand trembling with suppressed longing to slide in Regina’s neck and pull her closer.

‘Well in this case, Emma, I think Magical maturity might have a slight advantage. You don’t know these caves, dear  _and_  you don’t know Pan. I know both. I think, this time, it’s me…’

‘No!’

…

Tinker Bell’s voice was laced with anger and fear as the Fairy made her way towards her with a sudden determination.

‘You can’t go in there, Regina. Your secrets… They are worth too much to him.’

‘I am not going to le…’

_Wait, what?_

Regina’s head snapped in her old friends direction and she felt her eyes narrow as she took the Fairy in. How could this woman know how much her secret were worth? To anyone? What kind of game was she playing? The former Queen clenched her teeth together, mentally reprimanding herself for once again trusting a Fairy. She should have known better. She  _did_  know better, ever since the day Rumple had muttered those damned words in her ear.

**_Oh dearie, but you HAD a Fairy Godmother… Never wondered why she didn’t rush to your aid? Run to you for help when you asked for it? Never wondered, Dearie, why YOU couldn’t make a wish? So soft… so loving… So talented… Yes, Dearie, it’s too bad I can’t hurt the Fairies, but you are still the best deal I have ever made…_ **

It was as if Tink saw her mind work, because she approached now more cautiously, as one would a wounded predator. Pan’s words, once spoken to her in a soothing way, now resounded in her head, trying to grasp a hold of the slow process her thoughts were making.

**_Secrets mean everything, Regina. With every one we share, the connection to those we give them to becomes stronger. Connect with me, Regina. You are the key. You will solve everything._ **

But how did Tinker Bell know of her connection with Pan? She had never told the Fairy anything of the lank, shadowy boy who had betrayed her. Had Pan told her? Were they working together? And most important of all, could it be? Had Tinker Bell once been her Fairy Godmother?

‘Emma! Stop!’

Snow always had had a way of bending her voice into an annoying whine, but this time Regina only felt she wanted to join in, when she felt the rush of Magic wash over the clearing and saw the blonde stand in the entrance of the cave.

‘No, wait!’

Even before Regina had the chance to respond, Tinker Bell lunged forward and tried to brush passed the Savior, trying to pull Emma back over the threshold, only to be flung back violently by the Magical seal that had covered the stone entry.

‘Oh, Emma, you stupid idiot!’

Emma’s voice sounded strange, distorted by the Magic shield that now separated them.

‘Just, let me do this, ok? I’m going to get that thing, I dunno why, but I have the feeling Pan wants it to be me in here. And it’s ok. I’ve got some secrets to spare for our kid.’

The wink was playful if not a little anxious and the urge to reach out and cup the woman’s cheek in a reassuring manner was almost too much. Regina nodded, unable to speak the words lodged in her throat. Not because she was cursed, this time, but because she was too emotional.

She was brushed aside as the Pirate made it passed her, once again able to do what Regina could not and joining the blonde inside the caves. She averted her eyes before she could see his hovering hand meet the blonde’s upper arm and turned away as she heard the swift sounds of more people passing through the Magical Border, cursing, for the first time since she entered Neverland, her Magic.

She almost jumped when the hand covers hers.

‘I’ll get her back safe…’

Hazel emotion-filled eyes, so confusing, found hers and reassuringly squeezed, together with the fingers enveloping hers.

‘I…’

‘She’s going to be ok, Regina. You wouldn’t think I’d let anything happen to my daughter now, would you?’

‘I have no idea what you’re talking about, Snow?’

The woman merely giggled while she let go, her stance and the fierceness in her eyes every bit the woman who had taken over the kingdom.

‘I’m not stupid, Regina. Do you think really think I wouldn’t figure out what Pixie Dust does?’

And with those words and a tight smile that was impossible to read, Snow White made her way into the caves to once again spill a secret. Leaving Regina with a pounding heart and the mere hope that  _this_  time, it wouldn’t be hers…

…

TBC

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N: Don't worry, I will make it upto you! Hope to read your thoughts! Make my muse sing!


	18. Choosing my confessions, part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The echo caves make one ponder things... Think about their darkest secrets or someone's hidden motives... And that can have a surprising outcome...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N1: CONGRATULATIONS to my eloquent friend OnceIfellfortheevilqueen! Hope all your birthdaywishes come true without prices to pay!
> 
> A-N2: My longest update-time yet... Sorry sorry, a bruised hand and a fire at my mom-in-laws (both also known as LIFE) got in the way... But I hope I can make it up a little with this installment! Thank you all so much for your support! Hope you enjoy!

 

 

Before in ‘Your presence still lingers here’:

**Arriving to the echo caves it was revealed that only one person with the ability to do Magic could enter. Quick thinking and action on Emma’s part left Tinker Bell and Regina on the outside of the cave, while the rest of the group went in search of the Sextant that will have the ability to bring them home.**

_‘I’ll get her back safe…’_

_Hazel emotion-filled eyes, so confusing, found hers and reassuringly squeezed, together with the fingers enveloping hers._

_‘I…’_

_‘She’s going to be ok, Regina. You wouldn’t think I’d let anything happen to my daughter now, would you?’_

_‘I have no idea what you’re talking about, Snow?’_

_The woman merely giggled while she let go, her stance and the fierceness in her eyes every bit the woman who had taken over the kingdom._

_‘I’m not stupid, Regina. Do you think really think I wouldn’t figure out what Pixie Dust does?’_

_And with those words and a tight smile that was impossible to read, Snow White made her way into the caves to once again spill a secret. Leaving Regina with a pounding heart and the mere hope that this time, it wouldn’t be hers…_

 

* * *

**Chapter 18: Choosing my confessions, part 1**

She felt disconnected, hollow in the strangest way since the moment she had set foot in the cave. The air was warm, thick and stifled and made her nose itch. Footsteps resounded against the high rock walls and despite the heat Emma felt herself shiver.

_Magic._

She sensed it, the complete opposite of Regina’s, which melted into hers, entwined with it, filled her up. No, _this_ , this was like oil in water or something, impossible to mix with her own and made her feel like she had to be on her toes at all time. The horrible smell of it was suffocating and she breathed as shallow as possible, guiding the group forward. Although there was just one path, really.

She sensed it before she could even see the flicker of gold coming from the plateau of rock surrounded by nothing but air.  _His_  enchantments surrounding it.

‘There!’

She pointed and the people she was leading, (which was still weird, and then 2 of them were her parents, which was even weirder) halted as if she commanded it. And then she blinked at the realization that probably, she  _had_. She looked back at the woman who now laid a hand on her shoulder and squeezed it, the mother she had looked for all her life and tried to mirror the reassuring smile. Failing miserably.

Yes, they were a step closer to getting to Henry (even if that fucking sextant thing still looked like a thousand miles away) but she had felt empty and cold since the moment that stupid Magical curtain had closed behind her, cutting her off from… Well, she might as well admit it, since they were all going to be sharing secrets anyway (Were they going to braid each other’s hair as well?) Regina.

It was Regina she missed, the soothing vibrant hum of her Magic, always close, always connected. The  _possibility_  to reach out and touch the woman’s arm, feel her warmth, which in turn made  _her_  feel alive.

And leaving the other woman behind with the Firefly sure wasn’t helping her emotional rollercoaster.

_God! Am I jealous?_

The heavy feeling on her chest at the mere thought of the Fairy and the way she had touched Regina made her shake her head. Why was this effecting her so much? Yes, she and Regina had grown closer, it was as if the island and especially their common mission ‘Operation Henry’ had changed some of the anger and fear that always was lingering between them into… She wasn’t sure? Shared worry? But no, there was more than that. When Regina had first held her, no matter how awkward the touch had been, she had melted into it. The turmoil in those deep brown eyes was no longer coated by never-ending loathing and something  _had_  changed. Or maybe, something had fallen into place. Something that had been there, hidden, already for the longest time.

A fluttering squeezing feeling in her abdomen made her bite her lip and when she closed her eyes, she could almost feel the brunette next to her. Smell her. The fruity scent of her Magic, but also something that was  _just_  her… That was  _just_ Regina _… Just…_

Home…

She opened her eyes in shock, but the images and thoughts she had conjured up in her mind kept flowing… Regina, strong and unyielding. Regina, kind and warm in a requested embrace. Regina, tortured by her own voice. Regina in her arms, dancing. Regina close, so close… Their lips almost touching…

But also, the way she, constantly, found herself thinking about her son’s mother. The urgency to protect her, from angry mobs or taunting mermaids. The effect of the woman’s smirk or smile on her heart… Her heart…

‘The darker the secret, the louder the echo.’

She almost jumped at the sound of Hook’s voice and felt the secret she was only just admitting but couldn’t quite put into words, quiver against her midriff. Actually, she felt it everywhere, from the tingling of her fingertips, to the rapid pounding of her heart pumping the ticklish sensation through her veins.

And then, as she inhaled deeply, the warm oxygen filling her lungs, the smell of Pan’s Magic suddenly injected by a hint of Honey-crisp apple, it came to her.

_Of course…_

It was so simple and yet, so incredibly complicated. So inexplicable and yet so logical.

_I am in love with Regina…_

She blushed and jerked when Hook cleared his throat, announcing that he would be the first to spill his guts, when a moment of panic hit her. Was  _this_  the secret she would have to give up for the sextant? Telling a cave,  _a freaking cave_ , before the only person who would actually deserve to know?

But then, when she felt the trembling feeling in her abdomen again, the realization washed over her almost instantly.

_The darker the secret, the louder the echo._

And this. This was confusing and weird and made it hard for her to breathe… It was stupid and impossible and everyone would hate it. Not least of all the woman who was the object of her so obviously undesired affection. But as she stood there, shadows flickering around her, and she felt the truth resonate through her body, making her Magic tingle in her veins she also knew: For her, it was  _anything_  but dark.

…

She felt disconnected, depleted in the oddest way as sat in front of the entrance of the cave, glaring as if merely  _that_  would make the Magical protection disappear. Regina’s heart still pounded, heavily, in her chest, increasing in frequency when she realized the sounds from within echoed in such a way she could hear every sigh, every step.

Footsteps, she recognized Emma’s easily, the thread in them, their rhythm and found herself closing her eyes, envisioning the woman next to her.

But, in a way, Tinker Bell  _had_  been right. Her darkest secret would hurt more than just her if it came out, and she was not sure whether the woman it involved, no matter how strong, could handle it. It was not a distraction they could use at such a crucial point in their quest to find Henry.

Regina sighed, trying to push away the confusion Tink’s words had evoked in her. The insecurities raw and ablaze and painfully present in every breath she took. Would the Fairy betray her, betray them? Was she collaborating with Pan? Keeping her main focus on the sounds from the cave, exhaling in relieve when she heard the people inside identify the object they were looking for, she turned slightly in Tink’s direction. Once she had trusted the woman beyond anything. She remembered the words, playful, kind, in jest.

**_“I’m a fairy, you might as well start believing in me.”_ **

Tink hadn’t known what she had asked… Had, maybe, not even seen that Regina had lost all believe, most of all in herself. But the Fairy had been a light. A light so bright it was impossible to ignore after years and years of darkness. And, despite everything, she had done it. She had believed. For the shortest moment in time, she had actually allowed herself to believe again.

‘Regina…’

‘Are you working with Him, for Him?’

She focused on the response, wishing she had Emma’s superpower at this moment, but the dropping light in those mossy eyes as Tink shook her head gave her at least some indication.

‘Then how did you know? About the secrets?’

‘I have been here a long time, Regina… I…’

‘HOW!?’

The demanding word almost exploded through the air, her impatience only fueled by her worry for Henry, the people inside the cave, and her own uselessness. But she had expected an answer, not the piece of parchment that was pressed into her hands, folded so many times the creases had become weak and some of them had torn.

She opened it carefully and gasped when the charcoal became visible. The drawing she had made, not wanting to forget, so many years ago Regina couldn’t even do the math anymore.

‘Rocinante…’

Her fingers followed the dark lines she had once created, trying to hold on to the memory of her best friend, the only one she had trusted as a child. The one who had known all her secrets and never judged.

‘I found it. And if I had not recognized the horse, I would have recognized your… style… I asked Pan about it. He told me you had been here before. He told me… He told me you would be very important one day. He told me you are the key.’

‘To what?’

‘I don’t know, he wouldn’t tell me, but the look in his eyes… It chilled me, Regina. It scared me. I… I don’t want…’

‘Shhh.’

Regina closed her eyes and focused, the voice of the Pirate not even close to the one she longed to hear but at least it was a connection to what was happening inside the cave. As she heard him admit to the kiss however, she couldn’t help but cringe, the pain physical as the image of what she had witnessed forced itself upon her again. The hand that reassuringly reached her shoulder, however, when Hook spoke of his deeper feelings for the blonde Savior, was quickly brushed off.

She got up, too restless to remain in her sitting position, when she heard Neal admit (as if they all weren’t painfully aware of the fact in the first place) that he was a coward. But Regina had to admit it made her swallow slightly when she heard him talk about his fears of becoming like the parent he had spend his life running from, the words hitting a little too close to home. She felt her fingernails find the soft skin of her palm when Neal spoke of how much he loved Emma and when he told her he would always fight for her, tears filled her eyes, and she found herself longing for the hand she had just so clearly rejected.

But she couldn’t… wouldn’t stand for the weakness love was bringing her.

Vigorously wiping at her cheeks, she stopped the tears before they have a chance to fall. And then, when she felt them on her fingers, she simply stared at them, as if they held the answer to everything. Because this was what she did. What she always did. Trying to stop her feelings before she had a chance to develop, before she actually had a chance to  _feel_ them.

Because love was weakness… Love was weakness…

She thought of her mother, staring at the wetness on her fingertips. She thought of the way she had fought to be good, to raise up to the expectations made of her. To be worthy of a love that now, now that she had a son, she knew should be given unconditionally.

She thought of Henry, and how her love for him had changed her.

The closed her eyes, and saw the image of Emma, close, so close to her, felt the sensation of Neal’s heart in her hand as his love for the blonde seeped into her fingertips.

And suddenly she knew.

Maybe love was her weakness… But it also was her strength…

…

The hesitance was the worst, Emma decided, feeling her heart drop at Snow’s confession. She could understand her wanting another child, but the looks and the words and the way she tried to say it so it wouldn’t be  _painful_  for Emma was in fact the thing that hurt the most. Because while her was trying so hard to make it sound like she was good enough, it really actually sounded,  _felt_ , like she was not. That this new baby was only desired because their first attempt had failed. And it threw her back into those feelings she had allowed herself to admit while trying to make the map appear.

Lost.

Never enough.

Yearning to be loved.

Comfort came from the strangest source, in a flash so short she was sure it was imagined. She smelled and sensed the tingle of Magic, not her own, raging through her chest. Warm and soothing and filled with understanding, and could almost see Regina roll her eyes.

_We don’t have to question the genetic source of your way with words any longer, dear…_

In perfect echo with Regina’s tone, the words resounded in her head and tugged on Emma’s lips, loosening the tightness in her throat slightly. She felt weak and everything around her was a blur when she heard David admit to his secret. The kind, sensitive, sometimes awkward man who seemed to understand so much more than he let on. She wasn’t watching him, however, when he spoke the words that made Pan’s earlier prediction, that she would be an orphan soon, resound in her head. She was watching the woman who had just shown her trust in their future together by admitting she wanted another child with him. She saw the strength in the stance falter, the eyes flashing with disbelieve and anger and pain. And then, she averted her eyes and found those of the man who was her father. And it was his understanding, caring smile that made her hear it, his eyes so filled with light, and pride and love. It was a sound like the shattering of the most fragile kind of glass, and she could imagine that was how the breaking of a heart would resonate through these rock walls.

It wasn’t until she felt the heaviness in her chest that she realized it probably was.

She swallowed, having trouble to find the strength she would need to voice her own secret, the one that would make the bridge that has formed, originating from the plateau where the sextant was waiting for her, connect with the ground she herself was standing on. She didn’t even know what she was going to say, until the words exited her mouth. Her wishing Neal had indeed been a vision, so she wouldn’t have to deal with her feelings for him, towards him. How much she blamed him for having to give up Henry. Her wishing her parents had died at her birth, so that  _that_  would have been the reason she had been in the system and not that they had given her up, not that they hadn’t loved her enough to keep her with them. Her wishing to escape it all by kissing Hook and her wishing that she never had because now even  _he_  wanted something from her. Now even he wanted to push her into a role. A savior, an orphan, a daughter, a lover… And never, never enough. Never was what she had to give ever enough.

She wasn’t sure which of the words actually exited her mouth, but suddenly found herself holding the metal instrument that would guide them back to the only home she had ever had. The only place she could see herself grow old. But her feet hadn’t walked the bridge that was now fully formed. Instead the sextant seemed to have materialized in her hands, the power of the secrets she was spitting out, much like one would spoilt milk, obviously enough to allow her to, involuntarily, do Magic again.   

_Emma, stop…_

The voice in her head was kind and panicked, understanding and raw, and so recognizable that, some time ago, she would have thought it a hallucination and checked herself into the nearest psych ward. Now however, she just gave in to Regina’s plea, without even the slightest bit of hesitation. She smiled at the irony of the thought…

Emma Swan finally believed. 

…

She was fairly certain her heart had stopped momentarily when she had heard Snow starting to speak. Part of her wanted to make a snide remark about the irony of the Princess who could not keep secrets being in a cave where she would have to give one up, but her fear of what was coming prevented her to even breathe. She only started to relax again, when she realized Snow’s admission was not of her feelings for Emma, and then felt terrible for her relieve as she heard the woman stumble over her words, each razor-sharp in their ability to hurt the blonde she loved so deeply.

The one they all, she knew now after Hook and Neal’s admissions, loved so deeply.

 She should be happy, she knew, that there was so much love in the other woman’s life. But the sad heavy envy (she wasn’t sure if it was just for so many vying for her true love’s heart or maybe also slightly about the idea of  _being_  so loved.) stung from within her chest, making her feel like the horrid person she was once more.

Especially when the oh so  _Charming_  shepherd had revealed his poisoned little secret and she could just  _hear_  the radars in Emma’s head work, and  _feel_  the other woman’s heart break at the realization she would have to leave the island without her parents…

And then, when Emma’s voice had lingered over, filling Regina’s heart with a sharp ache when she, almost lifelessly, let all her secrets spill from her lips, as if she couldn’t stop any more once she had started. She imagined she could hear Neal’s pout, the raise of Hook’s eyebrow, the drop of Charming’s jaw and the falling of Snow’s tears.

_Emma, stop…_

When the blonde stopped talking at exactly that moment, Regina only had a fragment of a second to ponder the curiosity of that strange coincidence, before the ground began to shake. The nauseating rambling a warning she recognized from one of her earlier visits to the caves.

It had been an accident then, and she hadn’t even realized what it was until much later, when Rumple had made her get in touch with her innate Magic. The one she had always, subconsciously, suppressed in her younger years, not wanting to become like the only user of Magic she knew. Her mother.

Yet spending time in Neverland as a child must have triggered something, Pan’s urge to believe, his feeding of her confidence with his constant reassurance that she, indeed, was the key he had been looking for for so long. His believe in her. Or maybe the combination of all had evoked it, the tingle of Magic as they had been sitting there, talking, drawing, laughing, sharing… And suddenly one of the pieces of parchment had started to sparkle and flown into his hands before the earth had begun to shake. Much like now… He had made it a game, and they had run, giggling, from the danger of the underground formation of rocks. When he had explained him Magic had made the cave react, she had not realized it was  _hers_. And she had been surprised when he had refused to let her catch more than a glimpse of the charcoal picture of the boy he held in his hands.

But knowing the reason of the earthquake didn’t make the experience less unnerving. The fear that grasped her heart, knowing Emma had done Magic, knowing the others were inside of the cave were loose rocks could be as deadly as any well aimed curse, made her act without thinking. Pressing her hands forward, she felt the familiar tingling feeling fill her veins and she instinctively, focused on the warm feeling in her lower abdomen.

But the anger that was normally there, the emotion she always controlled her Magic with, drew it from, had been replaced by another, and she felt her body jolt at the intensity of the current rushing out of her.

It was beyond anything she could possibly have anticipated and the shiver that resonated through her had nothing to do with the violent shocks of the ground. She felt the power of holding up the rocks that were trying to block the entrance of the cave, the urge to protect the only thing that could occupy her mind.

And then, she jerked again. For an instant she thought the sheer force of her own emotions was throwing her back, the moment she caught sight of the group, of  _Emma_ , running towards her. It was not until she heard the Fairy scream that she even remember the other woman’s presence in the clearing, and she realized it was not her own Magic holding her back. She wanted to say something, wanted to urge Tink to help them, to save them or to let go of her so  _she_  could…

But then she realized the outcry of her name had not been accompanied by Tinker Bell’s Magic, which had always smelled like fresh cut grass and meadow flowers. Registered that the warning in the Fairy’s voice had not been not to use sorcery, as she had initially thought.

And she knew… Even before she saw the vines, wrapping themselves around her wrists, pulling her back, before she smelt the putrid scent of his Magic. She knew it was him before she caught sight of his amused eyes, observing her struggle. A struggle, she sensed, that was starting to be harder to maintain as she felt the fight that was left in her after the draining performance slowly starting to seep out.

 ‘Regina!’

He stood on a rock, covering the entrance of the cave, and at the outcry his eyes disconnected from hers and the smirk on his lips taunted her as she saw them focus on the one who had screamed. She felt the plants creep up to her torso, restricting her movement even further, but that was not what elicited the cold feeling running through her veins.

Because Emma, dear, sweet, heroic, foolish Emma, didn’t scream her name in a request for help from murderous collapsing caves, but in worry. Worry for  _her_.  Emma, dear, sweet, idiotic, daredevil Emma, had no idea that the true Devil was watching her from above as she tried to lunge out of the cave and in Regina’s direction.

‘Emma! No!’

The words were cut off by a thick vine finding her throat and at the moment she felt the constriction she saw the flick of his fingers and the movement from the corner of her eye.

Tinker Bell attacked the plants holding her prisoner at the same moment the bars erected around Emma, pushing her back with a rush of ancient Magic that made Regina shiver. As she watched the twigs entwine in what she knew would be an impenetrable pattern of enchantments, she shortly caught sight of turquoise eyes. And in the strangest way, despite the suffocating pressure on her throat, that gave her air. 

He smiled lazily as he jumped down from his hiding place, landing, catlike and steady, ready to strike, and finally revealing himself to the others who she only now started to notice. Her main focus remained on the cage which now held the woman who had gotten under her skin and into her heart, as she tried to take in the situation, instinctively searching for an escape. But the black spots invading her vision made it hard to concentrate.

Snow had immediately drawn an arrow, but the weapon disappeared with a mere blink of his eye, before she could even fully aim it. The Fairy, who had known Pan was there even before Regina herself had noticed, gasped when one of the vines she was viciously attacking, (with what Regina now saw was Charming’s sword) lashed out to her, drawing blood, but she did not relent until his Magic, with a slow wave of his hand, pulled her away.

He tut-tutted, as if he was reprimanding a small child, while he took slow steps in her direction.

‘That’s not the way this works, Tink, don’t you know better than that?’

The tone in his voice was one she recognized, and she was quite sure that, had she been able to utter a sound, she would have whimpered. The memories that were threatening to overwhelm elicited a last surge of energy to fight and she wrestled to free herself, her limbs trembling with fatigue and fear.

But he knew, of course he knew. He had coaxed the memories out of her when she had been a little girl, erased them, and then tortured her with each and every one of them before sending her back. His voice was the first thing to change as he laughed, a quick twirl turning the boy into her nightmare. Even the smell of Cora’s Magic radiated from the figure, approaching her quickly.

‘Little Regina, here, simply adores games. Don’t you, darling?’

‘No! Please…’

The panic in her voice as she tried to shrink back into the plants holding her in place made her wince. Cora’s laugh echoed, eerily, through the Neverland jungle before it turned into Pan’s once more.

‘Let’s play.’

…

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N: Reviews are the Magic that keeps the writing fire burning!


	19. Choosing my confessions, part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Emma caged and Regina bound to a tree an unexpected hero needs to rise. But what consequences will confessions have? And what is this game Pan is playing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N1: Thank you all so much for the reviews, follows, favs and your continued support, it means so much! As I am traveling to spend time with my family for the holidays tomorrow, I am not sure when I will be able to update... (But I have to admit writing this chapter and posting it somehow took priority over packing my suitcase in my mind, so if I forget my toothbrush or something I hope one of you will send me one LOL) Hope you'll enjoy! Confessiontime!
> 
>  
> 
> A-N2: Title inspired by the R.E.M. song 'Losing my religion'

 

 

**Chapter 19: Choosing my confessions, (trying to keep an eye on you) part 2**

He walked around as if he was a predator in total dominance over its prey. And Emma guessed, considering her current position, she was the most defenseless one. Despite Regina, that was… She felt the nervous glances of the people around her but only had eyes for the woman who was tied up against the tree. Envy and relieve had fought for a first place in her heart as she’d watched how Tinker Bell attacked the vines. But then Pan had used the vision of Cora and Regina had whimpered and she had just felt everything go blurry. Her Magic, she sensed, was the only thing keeping her upright. It sparked and tingled under her skin, but when her fingertips casted their now familiar blue hue, also enveloping the sextant she was still clinging onto, the earth rumbled again.

‘No, no, no, Emma… Magic  _is_  emotion, but you really have to learn to control yours… How about a little incentive?’

With a snap of his fingers, pointy arrows dripping with a black substance she recognized as Dreamshade covered the inside of the cage. Giving her very little room to wiggle, and no place what so ever to hold onto to help her keep her balance, Emma suddenly felt exhaustion wash over her and she swayed, dangerously close to the poisonous arrow-tips.

‘Stop it! Stop!’

Regina’s voice was hoarse and broken, but in a different way than earlier, when Ariel had damaged it. It took Emma a while to figure out it was the tone, panicked and begging, she had never heard from the former Mayor. Not in this intensity.

‘I can’t make it stop, Regina,  _darling_ … But _you_ … You and your little wingless friend here  _can_ … You see, Emma here was so… _Giving_  when she spoke her secrets she allowed me to bond with her… To  _connect_... She has an amazing amount of Magic, don’t you agree? Well… Of course you would… No surprises there, right? But it’s nice of her to  _share_  some, don’t you think?’

As she moved her feet to gain more balance, to get a better position so she could look into dark brown eyes, she almost slipped and the mocking gasp of Pan was accompanied by genuine ones.

‘Ok, Pan… What is it you want?’

Tinker Bell trembled slightly as she walked towards him, but her chin was pulled up, her shoulders drawn backwards and mossy green eyes spat fire. And even though Emma felt the heaviness in her chest she had now identified as jealousy, she also knew she was glad someone this fierce was fighting for Regina… Regina, whose eyes were glassy as they caught hers, as if she was looking at memories before something pulled her back into the here and now…

‘My, my Tink, you’ve always been one for action, haven’t you… I bet there is a lucky someone out there who can appreciate that… Oh, what? I never said your little secret was  _safe_  with me, now, did I? I am not Snow White, dear Fairy… I don’t go and pretend I will actually  _keep_  your secret before spilling it…’

Regina’s eyes jerked away from hers at those words, the pain so clearly visible, but there was also a hint of the rage, the fight, that had been missing in them, making Emma let out a breathe she hadn’t known she was holding. But, to her surprise, the glare was not directed at Snow, who silently swallowed at hearing Pan’s words, a tear making its way down her cheek, but at Pan, himself.

‘Isn’t it curious, Regina, or ironic if you will, that her  _darkest_  secret is that she wants another child… A little boy, I reckon… Maybe she will name it after her fath…’

‘STOP!’

The word came out with a force Emma didn’t know she had in her anymore, but the tears that were now freely rolling down Regina’s face made her want to lunge forward, poisoned arrows be damned.

‘Oh, look, it speaks…’

‘Let her go, you lunatic!’

‘That’s endearing… Here I have you, all caged up and so close to being killed…’

He slowly approached her then and flicked his wrists, allowing the arrows to nudge nearer to her as a way to emphasize his words.

‘And you worry about the  _Evil Queen_ …’

He spoke the words mockingly and with a little pout that made her nauseous. She wanted to scream, to rage, to kick the branches that held her in place. But all would be useless. As useless as she had always been. So instead she just tried to catch Regina’s eyes with her own, hoping that, one way or another, the brunette could feel her support.

…

‘Tink… A secret… Please…’

Her voice was hoarse, the vine around her throat still constricting and loosening in what seemed to be a random way, but she knew the boy in charge too well to believe that. She caught the eyes of the woman who had once been her friend and pleaded as she saw the poisoned weapons move closer to Emma’s skin.

‘I think we will do it a little differently this time, though… If you all don’t mind, of course… You see, Snow. These kind of things, -your little admission showed me as much-, sometimes just need a little  _guidance_. So how about, Tink, you answer some questions? The rules are very simple. You tell the truth, you get rewarded. You lie, someone get’s punished… Easy, is it not?’

 He circled the Fairy now, his new prey, his plaything. She recognized the look in his eye, the anticipation, the cold, cold fire of ruthlessness.

‘Oh, you can refuse to answer, but believe me, Fairy, you will only get so many chances… So, I guess it’s time to show us where your allegiances lay.’

Feeling the pull of Emma’s eyes, Regina could not fight the urge to look up, but as she found the turquoise, the rush of emotion that raged through her was so fierce and raw, it made her gasp. The exhaustion was painted in the blonde’s features, the worry etched into those caring eyes and the brunette felt it merge together, burn in her abdomen as her feelings for the other woman filled her up.

‘So, ready to start?’

Tink caught her eyes and swallowed. The plea in mossy green made the Fairy’s earlier words resound in her head and suddenly Regina felt the pending dread of what was coming rather then the threat of her current situation. Words, admissions and secrets had played such a grand part in her past. Had cut her, made her bleed her so many times. They held a power over her she wasn’t willing to show, but the trembling of her limbs in anticipation of her old friend’s revelation was impossible to hide.

‘Let’s focus on one of our guests of honor, shall we? What was your reason, Tinker Bell, to seek out Regina?’

 ‘I… I wanted her to bring me with her to Storybrooke. The person who once was my true love made a life there. I guess I just… I wanted to see if there is still a place for me in it.’

He raised his eyebrow, amused and huffed, bringing a chill to Regina’s spine, pushing the confusion the words were causing to the background momentarily. Of course it was logical the Fairy had had an ulterior motive in her approach, considering their history. So she pushed away the empty feeling in her abdomen and focused on the boy, who now smirked.

‘Oh, how romantic… Wanting to reconnect with your  _true love._ But I actually meant, Tink, the  _first_  time…’

His smile broadened in a sickening way when he saw the Fairy’s glare and Regina closed her eyes for an instant, trying to ignore the tightness of the vines across her chest and limbs, trying to suppress the memories of hours and hours spent in this position, merely as part of one of her mother’s lessons. It was not so much the physical pain, or even the humiliation, but there was the complete lack of control, the inability to act, to strike back. The helplessness…  _That_  threw her back into a time where that was all she had been able to feel. A time where Tink had been a tiny light in a whole lot of darkness.

‘Tick-Tock, Tinker Bell. Why did you find Regina in the first place?’

The branch covering her throat tightened with a snap of his fingers and a gasp escaped her lips causing her to scold her own weakness.

‘I was on a quest for true love!’

 The Fairy almost screamed the words, not angrily but desperately, and the constriction loosened slightly, allowing her to inhale. The answer had not come as a surprise, but she had heard the tone in Pan’s voice… What was his plan? Her vision was blurry and she found herself wishing she could see Emma’s eyes, knowing somehow that the turquoise would be so, so soothing…

‘Whose?’

A glimpse of insight caused Regina’s eyes to shoot open before she narrowed them again. Was the boy trying to get Tinker Bell to tell the story of the Pixie Dust? But then, Emma would… Emma would know… Would figure out… Ice filled her chest and water her eyes as she imagined the blonde’s reaction… How the turquoise would fill itself with shock, with disgust, with loathing.

‘Mine.’

The vine suffocating her dissolved instantly at Tink’s admission and she felt the cold night air fill her lungs.

_Wait… What?_

…

Emma swallowed, her eyes narrowing as she watched the scene before her. Her focusing on the twitchy blonde Fairy in a way helped ground her. The dark, angry feeling swirling heavily in her abdomen, now giving up a spark to her chest as she heard Tink’s word.

‘Oh how deliciously selfish! But enlighten me, I’ve always heard Fairies are not supposed to find true love? How did you find yours?’ 

Mossy green eyes flashed.

‘Just because that is what people  _say,_ does not mean Fairies don’t love… I… I stole some Pi… Magic… to lead me to true love and that is how I found...’

Why the quick glance at Regina? What the hell was going on?

Again that jittery movement of the Fairy’s head, as if she wanted to look at Regina, but couldn’t quite make herself to. It kind of reminded her of high school, of stolen glances and… And…

_No…_

Crushes…

_No, it couldn’t be…_

Searching for Regina’s eyes, she saw them pensively scanning the Fairy as well and the feeling clawing at her intestines intensified.

‘How you found…?’

The question-mark at the end of the sentence was clear, and suddenly Tink’s half finished sentence started to make sense…

_No… No no no…_

Her stomach contracted and she almost doubled over at the physical pain the answer, the  _pronoun_ , she already knew was coming, gave her.

‘ _Her…_  That’s how I found  _her…’_

‘Your true love.’

‘Yes.’

Now it was Pan’s turn to glance at Regina, and Emma had to clench her fists to try and suppress her Magic… To try and suppress the fierce anger that wanted to rush forward and wipe that smirk of his face, the weakening fear that made her want to  _shut_  the Fairy up, the heavy sadness of knowing that, even if she had been free to do so, she had no right to and the overwhelming urge to SAVE the woman trapped in those vines…

But she was not the hero in this scenario…

_Tinker Bell_  was…

‘Tell us about her? How did you get separated in the first place?’

‘I did something to spite her and she sent me away… She stopped… Believing in me. I lost my wings.’

Emma wanted to believe with all her heart that Regina’s gasp had to do with the release of the brunette’s hand, which immediately found a way to the red streaks covering the woman’s throat, but the strange, incredulous look the brown eyes cast in Tink’s direction after the Fairy had choked out the words, told her otherwise. It was like watching a car crash without being able to do anything in order to prevent it. Her chest felt empty, but strangely heavy in its emptiness.

‘Ahhh, poor, poor Tink. So it was all your fault?’

His tone was taunting, mocking and made Emma’s stomach want to drop its contents all over the cages floor. She bit her lip as she looked from Tink to Regina, seeing their eyes lock shortly before the Fairy averted hers.

‘Well… I… She… she did some terrible things, and I was trying to fix it, but I think, in a way, I only made it worse.’

_Fuck…_

Tink might have as well written Regina’s name in the sand and drawn a freaking heart around it.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck!_

The heavy emptiness in her chest swirled, extending to her fingertips. The lump in her throat coincided with the single tear that found its way down her cheek, and her heart thumped, defeated, in the rhythm of two words.

_Too late… Too late… Too late…_

She felt the corner of her lip pull up, smirking at the stupidity of that thought when she saw dark eyes focused on a Fairy…

Because “too late” indicated she would have stood a chance… And  _whatever_  made her think, Regina would have wanted  _her_  in the first place?

…

_I lost my wings because of you._

The words, spoken to her in spite at her reunion with the Fairy, rang through her memory… This didn’t make sense. What was Tinker Bell getting at? She blushed, her free hand finding its way from her throat to her cheek, trying to hide the redness. A redness only there because she heard what this sounded like, and she knew what Tink’s words were implying. And she came to the same conclusion all over again. It just didn’t make any sense.

Pan merely raised his eyebrow and she felt how the vine started to make his way over the shoulder of her free arm again. The branch only halted at the moment Tink, quickly, obviously aware of the threat, started to speak again.

‘There was a deal… Rumplestiltskin was involved… I… If I could just break it, end it, then I thought everything would turn out alright. My true love would be able to redeem herself. The coldness in her heart would disappear and we could be together… I thought if I could just SAVE Regina from her fate, I could... fix… things… for…’

Hearing that her old friend had known about the deal felt like a bucket of icy water being emptied upon her. She had shivered, when she’d heard her name pass the Fairy’s lips, and the questions, so many of them began to tumble through her mind. All coming back to one.

And only then did she hear it, the mumbling and the muttering of the others, reminding her of other times of hearing people whisper behind her back. Something she had become so utterly aware of, after the time she had spent as Wilma in the village and with Snow in the woods. But, at this moment, the only response she cared for was the one of the woman who refused to meet her eyes. Emma looked pained, ashamed and the smirk painting her lips had a hint of disgust in it that made Regina’s heart plummet in her chest, the ache much more acute than the physical one she could so easily suppress and has spent a lifetime getting used to.

 ‘Didn’t quite work out that way, now, did it?’

He laughed coldly as he turned to her, his fiery eyes making her want to struggle once more. But she decided to save the little strength she had left to try and access her Magic later… Her Magic, the force of it when she had warded off the falling rocks still astonished her. And although she felt annoyed and flashes of anger towards Pan, other emotions, including the one she had charged her earlier enchantments with, seemed to cover the sharpness of her rage. Then, as he halted in front of her, she felt how he slowly freed her other hand, looking deeply into her eyes. The vines around her chest were now the only ones still holding her in place as he, almost gently, took her face in his hand, pulling her forward as if he was about to kiss her.

‘I can almost hear it, my sweet Regina, the question you are dying to ask… I bet they think they can too, but I’m not sure if they are truly listening… So why don’t you do the honors? But be careful… It’s the last question, so… Make it count!’

He pushed her away her with just one fingertip against her cheek, as if just touching her was something utterly revolting, and forced her to look at the expectant, curious and anxious faces of her travel companions. A pair of turquoise eyes still reluctant to meet hers. She swallowed away the disappointment that came with that observation and ignored the sharp pain in her chest as the vine surrounding it tugged her tighter against the tree with every aching heartbeat.

‘Regina?’

It was Snow’s soft voice that reached her, the small, encouraging, but sad smile visible in hazel eyes that made her find her own.

‘Who was…’

Allowing her eyes to finally meet the ones of Tinker Bell she felt the final words of the question roll of her tongue, her hands trembling in anticipation of the answer. 

‘my Fairy Godmother?’

…

_What the actual fuck?_

 A quick glance around assured that all of them, much like her, had expected a different question. Everyone, including Tink, but except for Pan who just stood there, his arms crossed, his eyebrow raised, in his signature arrogant stance. The Fairy merely stared at Regina and seemed to fall apart right before their eyes. Obviously there was a lot more to this than any of them thought, the question meaning something they couldn’t fully understand. The sadness that poured from the Fairy however, fell together with a wave, or maybe more of an undercurrent, of Magic she felt radiate from Regina as she finally looked up and allowed herself to take the woman in.

Her arms were now free, but hung, aimless, next to her body their only movement a slight tremble that would go unnoticed by most, as would the glitter of fear in those eyes. What answer was Regina expecting, and why was the question so damn important? Did the former Mayor already know the answer to the other question Pan had so obviously worked up to? Did she already know she was Tinker Bell’s true love?

‘I believe the lady asked a question, Fairy?’

‘I… I…’

The gasp was sharp and forced attention back to Regina, who was clenching her jaws and shutting her eyes, her hands now hovering over the restraints covering her chest. For a moment, when she saw the glow, Emma thought she was doing Magic, but then Pan’s sickening chuckle and the pained moan that escaped Regina’s lips made her realize what he was doing.

‘Tick-Tock…’

Regina groaned now, her hands in fists as she tried not to touch the scalding vines burning against her chest, and before Emma could call out she (Thank GOD) saw Tink’s eyes flicker and SEE…

‘Reul Ghorm!’

The Fairy almost spat out the words and Regina’s eyes showed the shortest glimmer of relieve before she moved her head in such a way, shadows made it impossible for Emma to read her features. The glowing heat the blonde could almost feel across her own chest seemed to have faded, but the vines had not disappeared altogether. A fact, she saw, that was not lost on Tinker Bell either, who closed her eyes in defeat after she had glanced at Peter Pan’s knowing smile.

The words were nothing but a whisper, and maybe, if everyone hadn’t been so tuned in on the scene they would have missed them, as the Fairy added them like an afterthought.

‘My true love…’

As the words seeped in, it was like a ray of sunlight entered the cage, enlightening the darkness she hadn’t realized was suffocating her.

_It wasn’t Regina… It wasn’t Regina…_

But the tingling feeling, pulling up the corners of her lips, filling her heart with hope, turned quickly to nausea when she caught sight of the pain etched on Regina face.

…

The tree seemed to push her away, spit her out,  _unwanted_  and Regina stumbled to the ground, shortly remaining in a slumped position, her hands trembling against the humid earth.

The Blue Fairy… The Reverend Mother…  _Reul Ghorm…_

She wanted to growl, wanted to be livid, wanted to  _want_ to tear something apart. But she could only feel the emptiness inside her, too weak to even pull herself up.

Her first instinct was to shrug the hand off of her shoulder, followed by the desire to give in and accept help, until she caught sight of the person offering.

‘Don’t touch me! Don’t even… Don’t come near me, you filthy little… MOTH!’

She used the words she had used before, and knew, just as she had known then, it would scare the Fairy away. But  _then_  she had still been able to put up the pretence that she was hurting Tinker Bell because there was no other way. That maybe, one day, she would be able to explain and make it up to her. She hadn’t known about Rumple’s deal yet, but she had been pulled back into reality by words, whispered in her ear. She had still thought the Fairy actually cared about her. In a way that had made it hurt more, what she’d had to do then, but right now, the disconnected feeling inside of her was more painful than any of the cruelties she could remember having been put through.

And now, now that there was no use pretending anymore, at last she accessed a sliver of the rage she was known for.

‘THAT is why you looked for me? That is why you befriended me? To SAVE  _HER_?’

She felt the tears fill her eyes, but willed them not to fall, forced herself not to show the weakness that was surfacing so quickly. Seeping out of her as water would from cupped hands.

‘Well, I was going to save  _you_  in the process…’

The mumbled words, spoken in defense, gave her the strength to get up, and she automatically brushed off her clothes as she tried to find her pose, the regal one, the intimidating one, the one that had become second nature after so many years of practice. Or so she thought, because although she pushed forward, and saw Tinker Bell flinch slightly, her voice sounded hoarse and, despite the volume and power behind it, so incredibly  _hurt_.

‘Oh  _that_  just makes it all right, then! And STILL that’s what you want?  _She_  is what you want? After knowing what she DID? SHE SOLD ME! She sold my…’

The words got stuck in her throat and formed a lump as she turned, now longer able to watch the Fairy she once had believed in. Air seemed to stifle in the air as her eyes fell on the cage in front of her…

_Selfish…_

The word echoed through her, as she felt the coldness of her actions, her thoughts. How could she even waste energy on this, while her son was being held, while Emma’s life was threatened? She lunged forward, the ache of missing Henry, of worry, dull but constant in her chest as it had been since the moment they had realized he was gone, flaring up in the process. The trembling of her hands increasing at the sight of the thick black poison so close to the blonde’s skin.

Their eyes met, only ever so shortly, but the shock in the turquoise, (probably due to her outburst to the Fairy who had just freed her from the tree’s imprisonment) hurt so much Regina immediately looked away again.

‘What do you want, Pan?’

‘You  _forgot_  for a moment, didn’t you, dear Regina? Always finding new ways to look self-absorbed, it’s a talent… Mommy dearest would have been so proud.’

‘ _Shut_  up and leave her alone!’

Emma’s voice pitched as she screamed the words to him, the vulnerability in them making Regina feel even worse about losing sight, even for the shortest moment, of Emma’s predicament while she had dealt with Tinker Bell. Emma, who must feel left and abandoned by everyone after the ordeal in the cave, a feeling that must have been only reinforced by Regina’s actions, and still the blonde was standing up for her.

He only shrugged and put his attention on her, taking slow, but deliberate steps in her direction. She forced herself to stay her ground, but the urge to retreat swirled in her abdomen, betraying her. He knew her so well, had said exactly the right words. And even though she knew he was manipulating her, the feeling inside of her was starting to take root. The knowledge that she had, yet again, taken the easiest road, as she had tried to avoid for so many years before, finally, giving in, and allow herself to become ‘The Evil Queen’.

‘Our Fairy is all wrung out, I think it’s your turn to spill some secrets… If you want the sextant, that is… The savior, well… I’ll throw her in the deal.’

She wanted to protest that this was not about the sextant, wanted to set him straight and correct the words that she knew would cut through the blonde’s heart, but she knew he would only use her weakness against her. So instead she settled on a glance into Emma’s eyes, hoping that hers could say what her words could not, before she focused on the boy in front of her again.

‘What  _do_  you want?’

She repeated, sharper now, her body language changing in the manner she was used to… Never again would she be in a position where she could be controlled, not if she could help it. So with a shift of her body, she was in  _his_  face instead of the other way around. He merely smiled unpleasantly, though.

‘How about the lives and loves of one Miss Regina Mills… I want to open up your heart, Regina, and show these people what’s inside. For someone who spent such a large portion of her life being called “Evil” there is an unexpected amount of… I can’t say “people”… Let’s make that “creatures”… in there. Poor Rocinante… Didn’t you kill him? But then again, you always killed for love, did you not? Maybe that’s an impulse you have to start to control, Regina dear…’

She gritted her teeth and merely looked at him, the urge to step forward and rip out his heart only comparable to one event in her life she never cared to relive. The passion and liveliness in her desire to kill scared her and fueled her at the same time.

‘Ohhh, you truly hate me, don’t you? It’s amazing to see the woman that sweet little girl has become. You are a magnificent creature,  _Your Majesty_  and you  _almost_  scare me _._  But don’t forget, there is a thin line between love and hate. You once loved me beyond almost anything, and I cherished that love, kept it in a very special place…’

He tapped his chest and winked, moving his eyebrows in a suggestive way that made her want to vomit.

‘There aren’t so many people you allowed yourself to love without hate meddling in somehow. I can only think of one, really. And you even doubt if that love is returned… Isn’t that sad? But then again, who could love such a dark, shriveled heart? Who could possibly care for the person you have allowed yourself to become?’

His taunting got to her in a way she would never have admitted to before. But this island, the way it played on her emotions, the Pixie-Dust’s path that had confirmed the feelings she had been trying to suppress for so long, the sensations rushing through her every time a certain Miss Emma Swan attacked her senses, changed everything. It had weakened the thick layer of varnish she had hidden under all these years and made it crack. She swallowed, unable to speak and help came from the most unexpected of sources.

‘Pan, I swear to the gods, I might be ‘good’, but if you hurt my daughter, if you harm… you will just see how  _Evil_  I can become. Get on with this!’

The warmth of Snow White’s presence as the woman stepped up behind her made Regina blink and smile wryly at the irony.

The boy threw up his hands in a mocking defeat and his eerie laugh filled the clearing once more.

‘Fine, fine… Question and answer, Regina, are you ready?’

After her short nod, he continued, and the nervous flutter in her chest started to radiate through her whole body.

‘Let’s start easy, shall we? The one whose love you never earned but desperately craved, even after you knew what they were capable of…’

The answer he was looking for came to her immediately and the rush of grieve, of loss tasted bitter on her tongue.

‘My mother.’

The slight sound of wood moving against wood made her glance back, and Emma’s slight smile as she saw the arrows pull back, allowing the blonde to  breathe a little more freely, was enough of a reward.

‘Very good, Regina! You get the rules of this game… Let’s try another of the opposite side of the spectrum.’

The praising words she had longed to pass her mother’s lips for years now made her stomach wrench as Pan spoke them. But before she could think about the sudden bout of nausea, he already had resumed his speech.

‘The one you secretly hated for their weakness, their love for you never equal to their urge for self-preservation. It was the quest for a happy ending that persuading you to kill…?’

She closed her eyes as the tear made its way down her cheek as it had so many years ago, when she had shared a final embrace with the man Pan was now referring to. Her voice was hoarse as she answered.

‘My father.’

…

The arrows pulled back until just the tips covered the inside of the cave when Regina choked out the 2 words. Emma trembled, the strength to stay in an upright position almost too much for her to handle. She had heard some stories of Regina’s life, of course, and someone, she couldn’t for the likes of her remember who, had once told her the former Queen had killed her father to enact the curse.

But to see the pain tensing up Regina’s features as she admitted to it was something else entirely. It made her inhale shivery and she wondered why she didn’t feel the disgust she saw etched on her father and Neal’s face. Maybe it was because she, in a weird way, related to the words the boy had used.

She knew all about hatred against someone who was self-preserving (Neal, but before him so many of her foster’parents’) and although she hadn’t gone as far as to have killed for it, she isn’t sure what she would have done if someone would have told her, at the high point of her rage, that  _that_  was her only chance of happiness.

Also, the tear trickling down the brunette’s cheek told her there was more to the story. She hadn’t lied, and Emma had the confidence she wouldn’t. Not with what was on the line, which was not so much  _her_ life but the chance to get their son home safe and sound. But something was left out, the blonde was quite sure of it.

‘The one who you considered leaving everything for, so enamored you wanted to abandon every responsibility, until you were harshly reminded of them. The one who gave you hope you could be worthy of happiness, but more importantly, of their love.’

Regina’s head shot up, her glare fixated on the boy who was goading her so successfully. Emma’s small window of focus shifted to Snow, who softly gasped and mumbled ‘Daniel’ under her breath, water filling hazel, down-casted eyes. The stable boy who had been Regina’s true love. Who she had been willing to give up a royal life for and who had been killed by Cora. And although she knew she would have been rebuffed in Regina’s classical, regal way, Emma found herself regretting she had never even  _asked_  to hear the former Mayor’s side of the story. She had just put pieces of the puzzle together, but had never taken the trouble to make sure she had  _all_  of them… She wasn’t sure why.

She only knew that Regina drew out emotions in her she had thought she lost the ability to feel long ago. Regina got to her in a way no one else could. She could make her feel angry, shamed, lost, found, protected, bare, empty and filled, sometimes separately and sometimes all at the same time.

‘Tick-tock…’

Emma saw the trickle of red meandering down the side of Regina’s clenched fist at the same moment the spears start to slowly move in her direction again. It was more the vision of the blood than the arrow’s threat though that made her want to whisper the other woman’s name. But before she could do so she saw the brunette snap out of whatever memory had filled her, her dark eyes still pretty dazed.

‘Let me repeat: The one who you considered leaving everything for, so enamored you wanted to abandon every responsibility, until you were harshly reminded of them. The one who gave you hope you could be worthy of happiness, but more importantly, of their love.’

Regina blinked and swallowed, but it was the quick glance that made Emma aware of the answer before it was spoken, and she wondered how she could have been so blind. How she couldn’t have seen it before. She felt her heart halting in anticipation.

‘Tinker Bell.’

The poisoned arrow-tips disappeared only a split second before her free hand found the inside of the cage, her knees finally bucking, not under the weight of exhaustion, but under that of unrequited love.

…

‘Oh Regina…’

Tink’s voice was soft and filled with sympathy as she tried to approach her, but, instinctively, Regina put up her hands. The Magic coursing through her was strong, and before she could even allow herself to think her actions through, the Fairy already was, forcefully, pushed back by the enchantment. Admitting to her crush (or maybe, if she was honest, more than that) on the blonde Fairy who had lightened up her life was even more embarrassing now that she knew the truth about the woman’s motives. It had hurt, immensely, when Tinker Bell had pointed out her ‘true love’  to her, an unknown man with a tattoo she had felt not compelled to meet, and she had found it impossible to empty her heart of the disappointment long enough to seek him out. But she hadn’t felt anything even close to the constant yearning she felt now, when it came to a certain blonde savior, which was damned near impossible to suppress. Not for the tattooed stranger nor for the Fairy who had guided her to him.

Pan laughed, heartily and shook his head at her actions, as if he was forgiving a young child for doing something wrong but oh-so-endearing. He still hiccoughed slightly while Hook helped Tinker Bell stand, Charming brushing the Neverland soil of her clothes. But then, he turned to her again, his eyebrow raised in its usual cocky manner.

‘Yes, there is a thin line between love and hate, but while there is one you only truly loved, there is also one you only truly hated. Your need to kill, laying deep inside you, was so overpowering it pushed every other desire to the background and was the root of a deal you never thought you would make.’

Ice filled her chest, tormenting the scalded skin covering it and she felt her eyes act on their own accord as they found Snow White, whose hand hovered over Emma’s only parted by the branches holding the blonde prisoner.

She saw the pixy-haired woman swallow as their eyes met, and couldn’t help but smirk when she saw the defeat in the hazel, the small smile. Because Snow thought she knew the answer… The woman never learned.

‘Say it Regina… I can handle it.’

She shook her head in disbelieve, hoping the quiver in her voice would go unnoticed.

‘I don’t think you can, dear. But I don’t believe I have much of a choice in the matter’

She turned back to Pan and knowing Snow is expecting to hear her own name, spoke the one that held the truth.

‘Leopold.’

…

The wood Emma was holding onto shifted with a rushing sound, smelling like his Magic. The branches and vines untangled under her fingertips, causing her to draw back, but even though they created larger openings she knew she wouldn’t be able to wiggle herself, or even just the sextant, through them. Her mother’s hand reached for hers through one of the gaps, and Emma saw hurt flicker shortly on pixie-like features when she hesitated to take it.

She heard the mumbled responses around her, and fought the urge to scream out to them, to show all of them they were supporting the wrong person, as they, tentatively, approached the cage. Almost all the answers Regina had given had been unexpected. The former Mayor was opening up her soul, connecting with the Devil that was Pan, only to save  _her._  And still people gasped, shocked about her revelations, still they saw her, not as Regina, self-sacrificing, caring Regina, but as the Evil Queen. Still they saw  _her_ , not as Emma, blundering, simple Emma, but as the savior.

Their visions and versions of black and white, of good and evil would never coexist with her own.

It were the dark brown eyes that pushed her, the pointed look to Snow’s offered hand that made her take it, allowing her mother to cling onto hers. She wasn’t sure if she was getting comfort or giving it, but then as Regina looked away and she found herself staring into Mary Margaret’s eyes, feeling the warmth of their grazing fingers, she thought maybe it was both, or maybe it didn’t even matter…    

‘Then, for the final price. Regina… Listen carefully.’

The thrill in his voice was like a cold hand enveloping her heart (a feeling she was not unfamiliar with, thanks to the late Cora Mills) and she found her fingers slipping out of Snow’s just to cling onto the strong branches separating her from the woman who looked like she was about to collapse. The only one, besides Henry, she actually wanted to  _be_ a savior for, simply because the woman never asked.

‘The one who wormed their way into your heart instantly, always flaming in the background, always the reason for every decision you’ve taken since then. The one you can’t help but care for, despite the weakness it brings, for their initial, unwavering love was like water for your parched soul.’

_Henry…_  The answer echoed through her and she saw it reflected in Snow’s eyes, lighting up. But Pan would not make the final question so easy, and as she saw the determent glint in her mother’s features, when she saw her turn around, ready to throw, scream the answer in the boy’s face and freeing her daughter, she wanted to grasp her, stop her. But something, someone else already did.

…

The moment she heard his description she had known, but the answer was caught in her throat, refused to leave her trembling lips. She glanced behind her and the sight made her heart jump up, the pixie haired woman’s intentions much too clear.

She shouted the warning before she could even ponder its consequences. She felt lightheaded, her heart pounding heavier than she had even thought possible.

‘Snow!’

The woman stopped in her tracks at the reprimand, and Regina realized and resigned in what was happening the moment the name passed her lips. She didn’t need Pan’s slow, mocking clap, indicating she had done well. She didn’t need the gasp of the woman whose name she had just uttered to see it. She didn’t need the wave of Magic, hitting them strongly, (and she is glad she managed, somehow, to remain upright) to lunge forward.

Because she already knew.

She had spoken the truth.

And Emma was free.

And as she caught the blonde in her arms, the savior’s legs finally giving up on her, she also knew that  _that_  was all she needed.

She needed Emma to save Henry.

The next thought came unbidden and unexpected, but its truth resonated through her heart as she felt the way the woman fitted in her arms.

She needed Emma.

Period.

…

TBC

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N: Reviews are magical! Name your price!


	20. I'm here, nothing can harm you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma's unconsciousness allows her mind to wander and Regina finds herself in a conversation she had never thought she'd have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N: Safely in Holland, my dear readers! This chapter is the longest yet of the story I think and hopefully not too confusing. As I chose to keep Emma in a un/subconscious state, her mind is free to wander... Keep that in mind as you hopefully enjoy this update! Thank you all so much for your reviews, follows, kindness and support!
> 
> A-N2: Chapter title from 'All I ask of you' a the Phantom of the Opera Song

  


* * *

**Before in 'Choosing my confessions'**

**Pan questioned Tinker Bell and Regina, holding the latter and Emma prisoner as an incentive while doing so, which lead to some unexpected confessions.**

_'The one who wormed their way into your heart instantly, always flaming in the background, always the reason for every decision you've taken since then. The one you can't help but care for, despite the weakness it brings, for their initial, unwavering love was like water for your parched soul.'_

_The moment she heard his description she had known, but the answer was caught in her throat, refused to leave her trembling lips. She glanced behind her and the sight made her heart jump up, the pixie haired woman's intentions much too clear._

_She shouted the warning before she could even ponder its consequences. She felt lightheaded, her heart pounding heavier than she had even thought possible._

_'Snow!'_

_The woman stopped in her tracks at the reprimand, and Regina realized and resigned in what was happening the moment the name passed her lips. She didn't need Pan's slow, mocking clap, indicating she had done well. She didn't need the gasp of the woman whose name she had just uttered to see it. She didn't need the wave of Magic, hitting them strongly, (and she is glad she managed, somehow, to remain upright) to lunge forward._

_Because she already knew._

_She had spoken the truth._

_And Emma was free._

* * *

**Chapter 20: I'm here, nothing can harm you.**

Soft fingertips lingered over her cheeks, brushing away the unruly blonde locks she never seemed able to tame. A warmth enveloped her, a sensation of safety and home. And the sheer intensity of the feeling, one she had never experienced before, caught her by surprise, leaving a lump in her throat. She tried to open her eyes, tried to look up to the person whose arms she slowly started to feel around her. But it was as if she was waking up, fighting against the slumber only an unusual deep sleep could provide, though, and she found herself unable to.

The feeling, she thought, was the closest to one she had only ever IMAGINED. The therapy she had had as a child, inevitable when in the system, hadn't helped her much, but something that had stuck was the grey-haired woman who had told her about finding a 'safe-place'. She couldn't for the likes of her remember if the woman had encouraged or discourage the idea, but she did remember curling up in her blankets (and the occasional broom-closet or dark corner) and finding herself in a place where no-one could harm her. She had always imagined that it would be in the arms of the woman who would be her mother. The one who would choose her, above all the others. But the feelings now, swirling in her abdomen and her chest, as she inhaled the scent of her savior, were everything but those she could ever imagine having for a parent. They were too real, almost palpable, and they throbbed and ached, yearned and longed in a much sharper, and, Emma had to admit, much more sensual way than they ever had before. The feeling of being  **wanted** , of being  **loved,**  however, was the same, only better. More…  _real_ … in the strangest of ways.

It felt like her heart knew the person holding her. The person who had the ability to make her feel more than any other. She wasn't sure where she was, or who she was, if she was 5 or 15 or 80 years old. She felt weightless and yet so filled with the emotion that surrounded her, grounded her, that this felt more honest than anything she could possibly touch. And the only thing she did know, was that in her heart she knew the name of the one that was her home. If only her mind would grasp it… But the more she reached for it, for the knowledge, the deeper it seemed to sink into her subconscious. She thought she could hear it, in a distance, being spoken, but the blur that surrounded her, as if she was under water, prevented her from understanding it.

And then, she felt the lingering fingers again, on her arm this time. And as a magical tingling warmed her all she could do, was contently sigh and nestle deeper into the arms surrounding her. She was safe and nothing would harm her as long as she was here.

…

'Regina?'

'Don't.'

She spoke the word softly, careful not to wake the woman who was using her lap as a pillow. Emma's exhaustion had caught up with her at last and since the moment the last bars of the cage had disappeared, Regina only had eyes for the blonde in her arms. She had barely registered Pan's exit, laughing, the taunting, parting remarks on his lips lost to her.

For a moment she had felt self-conscious, had considered to give over the care of the sleeping beauty to her mother, but at the moment Snow had approached, Emma had simply clung onto her tighter, pulling her down. The stumble she had made to comply to the wish of the unconscious savior would have been embarrassing, had she given it even the slightest of thought.

It had to be said for Snow, however, that the woman hadn't even as much as flinched at her daughters actions, and had, hesitant how her care would be received, informed about Regina's chest. Only when she had, multiple times, uttered that they would be fine and in addition to that had, halfheartedly, threatened to incinerate the woman with a fireball, had she stopped to linger. It gave a strange ache in her chest though, that Snow had not only seemed to hover over her sleeping daughter but over  _her_  as well.

But now, it was not Snow who was approaching, although the pixie-haired woman did glance in their direction every 5 seconds and at times wordlessly grazed her daughter's hand in passing.

'Regina, please…'

'Tinker Bell,  _don't_. Please just…  _don't.'_

Her voice broke slightly, and she found herself entangling her fingers in blonde locks automatically, relishing the comfort the soothing softness brought her. In an odd way, or maybe it shouldn't be so odd considering genetics, the sensation was quite like the one she had sensed the first time she had stroked Henry's hair. The utter purity of the love she felt, the love she never thought her dark heart was able to feel, radiating through her so fiercely she was sure it was, literally, lighting her up. The only difference lay, not in the intensity, but in the taste of the love she was feeling. The mouth-drying arousal that coursed through her with every slight movement of the woman's head against her thigh, the trembling of her fingers and in her chest as the blonde moaned her appreciation to a protective touch or the slight warming spell she had cast in order to prevent Emma from freezing. (She had also cast the fire that was now roaring close to them, but wood had had to be collected and she found the fire needed more time to heaten up than she'd been willing to let the woman in her arms wait for.)

'Then, if you won't let me heal you, Regina, please, do it yourself.'

'No.'

'So you want her to wake up only to find you wounded? Do you want to find Henry just to succumb to a fever? Because it  _will_ infect, Regina, you know it will. You know these burns as well as I do…'

The mention of her wounds made her eyes flicker in their direction, the fierce redness of the blisters that were rapidly forming, the black edges of the burned fabric, the smell of charred flesh in combination with the sudden rush of pain nauseating. But despite the fact that the Fairy was right, Regina could not get herself to accept her help.

'Stay away from me…'

'Oh, for the sake of the gods, Regina! It wasn't  _me_  who made the deal! I wanted to  _save_  you, I wanted to…'

Regina disentangled her fingers from Emma's hair, afraid to hurt the woman as she felt the rage inside her rise.

'No, what you wanted was to save  _her._ And then you made me believe  _I_ was the one who ruined you… You lied to made me believe in you! You made me believe you cared for me…'

Her voice had sounded softly but resolute up until the last sentence where it, unforgiving and horribly, broke and sounded nothing but wounded. Her throat constricted as she averted her eyes, the pain in them not something she wanted the Fairy to see.

'I did, Regina… I do! I… Gods… I do!'

'No… Again, Tink. Again I was just a pawn in a game. You were the only person in my life who I thought had done something because they actually believed in me, but AGAIN I was a means to an end!'

'I…'

Kindly spoken words interrupted the Fairy's halfhearted protest, and, despite their source, Regina felt relieve wash over her.

'Tinker Bell… Stop. Just… Stop. And you, Regina, stop being a stubborn mule and do something about that wound.'

She snorted, honest to the gods  _snorted,_ at Snow's words, the lightness in them reminding her of spring days spent with pick-nicks in the castle gardens, of late nights in which a young princess had sought her out, frightened of a thunderstorm, of a love so strong and pure it had been impossible to deny.

The smile played with the corners of her mouth as she caught the hazel eyes, surprise but, also, amusement in them.

'I can't, Snow…'

When the woman opened her mouth to protest she hastily continued.

'She is already drained, I… I don't think I can do Magic without  _charging_  from her. Besides, Magic always has a price…'

Realization flickered in Snow's features and was then quickly replaced by the determined look that was so characteristic for the younger woman. It was quite unsettling and yet fascinating to see the wordless communication that occurred between her and her husband. Snow simply looked at him and he nodded, made his way to Hook and started to talk and gesture while the pixie haired woman gathered one of the cooking pots and filled it with water. Their eyes caught again and Snow simply smirked as she took the flask of rum from Charming's hands, lifting it up to Regina in an odd salute.

…

It all started to merge together. There were the sounds, arguing voices she always tried to avoid, the ones she ran from, hid from, in the darkest corner and then covered her ears and shut her eyes so tightly she could go to that place, the one that was safe and where she was held. There were the feelings, a hunger, clutching at her stomach, a cold, hopeless fear, a helplessness she had fought against all her life… And then, there were the images, the belt flying in the air, connecting with her back, the fingers opening the top button of her dress and sliding down. She struggled, trying to get away, trying to find the warmth she seemed to have lost. She heard herself whimper, the sound sickening. But then there were the arms again, the safety that felt so real she couldn't help but sink into it. It smelled like warm apples and something earthy and spicy she couldn't place but was incredibly alluring. It was as if all the panic that had shortly flickered up, melted away at the touch of those fingers. And suddenly something else filled her. Something foreign, almost like a movie, projected right before her very eyes.

_Hands, black smudges of charcoal covering them as they worked rapidly on a drawing. Those same hands holding what seemed to be a beating heart, covered by another pair of hands, squeezing them together. The hands once again, soothing a crying baby. Then, soft fingertips stroking away blonde locks._

_Arms embracing a young shivering girl who seemed frightened, standing next to a horse. Arms gesturing in anger in what seemed to be a wedding. Arms being pushed away as they try to envelope a young boy. And those arms captured by vines of a tree before, protectively, catching a blonde falling out of a cage._

_Legs covered in leather, firm and strong, around a black shining horse. Legs in hesitant step, surrounded by white silk, walking to a bed. Legs, covered in long boots, running for a boy who had been lost. Legs, around a slumped blonde, a thigh used as a pillow._

_Brown eyes, glittering in joy while sliding off a saddle. Scared eyes, filled with disgust and pain, as a woman is pushed through a mirror. Defeated eyes, closing themselves and allowing one tear to escape when a man hovers close, whispering something. Fierce eyes at the earlier wedding. Loving eyes, taking in a new born baby. Soulful dark eyes searching the features of the blonde who is so close._

_Lips… An upper one, being split by a ringed female hand. Lips, speaking, scowling, smirking. A spoon being captured between them before slowly withdrawn. Lips pressed together in immense pain before parting enough for a gasp to escape. A full lower lip being bit in a hesitant but oh so sensual manner as a blonde snuggled her cheek against a soft thigh._

…

The gasp that escaped her lips while Snow cleaned the wounds on her chest was annoying and weak, and she detested herself for it. How could she ever earn respect if she would winch at even the slightest bit of pain? But, surprisingly, the pixie-haired woman did not comment, or even as much as notice, the shameful portrayal, and simply proceeded with the task at hand. When she had told Hook she didn't  _do_  rum, this was not even what she had had in mind, but the sting that the strong beverage caused made her want to push back the woman who was now using a torn up blanket to bandage the burns.

'Thank you…'

Looking up, the hazel eyes were disturbingly close to her, and filled with a disturbing empathy which stung even deeper than the alcohol.

'You're welcome…'

The younger woman sat back, her hand automatically covering her daughter's shortly in a characteristically kind and gentle motion. But those hazel eyes, so filled with emotion kept glancing in her direction, and, knowing the woman who was their owner better and longer than many in the clearing, Regina sighed.

'You should try to get some sleep, Snow.'

The gaze burned now, as if it had found its target in her face and planned to incinerate her. Or maybe turn her to stone, like Medusa's would have done.

'What did Pan mean?'

She sighed again, heavily, avoiding the piercing eyes.

'About what exactly?'

'About everything. What does he want from you? Why did he want you to share those things? What is all this stuff about a deal with Gold. Do you really…'

' _Stuff_? Really dear, your daughter is rubbing off on you.'

The blonde moved closer to her, held on tighter to her legs as if, in her deep slumber, she knew Regina needed her. The constriction in and on her chest eased slightly as she felt the pressure of the other woman's arms.

'Can't this just… Wait? Can't we just focus on finding Henry, getting back to Storybrooke, for now?'

'I just… Regina, the things he said… The things  _you_  said. Knowing what I know, you can't expect me to unhear…'

She turned to the other woman, shaking her head in defeat over Snow's wish to discuss this now. But no matter how much she wanted to, she couldn't get herself to wish for the ability to escape. And that had everything to do with the blonde holding her in place.

'You always  _hear_  the words, Snow… But it's just like your lessons when you were a Princess, you hear the words, but you don't  _listen_. You think because you hear them a certain way, they can't mean anything different than that. The way you see them, the way you think it's true. You'd think my answers to Pan's questions might have given you the slightest idea that, maybe, you don't know me as well as you think you do. But yet here you sit, and here you are, presuming that you do. That you understand. That you know everything. But you don't, Snow, you never did. And you never will.'

'Maybe 28 years of what you would most likely call 'living as a peasant' has actually changed me, Regina.'

'Has it now, dear? Not only does your self-righteousness shine through in that answer alone, for you assume you know what I would say and you indicate that you can have bettered yourself, yet you still called  _me_ the Evil Queen, after 28 years of merely being Regina, after 10 years of being a mother. But also, I wonder… None of my answers came as a surprise to you? None of them made you jump to conclusions? Because I am most sure that they did, Snow White. I am sure you think you have it all figured out.'

The woman opened her mouth as to protest, or merely ask a question, but Regina held up her hand. Her words had not come out sharp, or condescending, but maybe the calm, tired tone in them, the slight hoarseness in her voice, would have an effect her harsh threats never had. Maybe, finally, after all these years, the words would actually have a chance to sink in and Regina found herself unable to stop the monologue.

'You assume, Snow, that is what you do best. You assume that just because you mean things well, or because there is an excuse, or because you add a lot of rainbow and unicorn sprinkles into the mix, your words don't hurt, your actions don't have consequences. But they do. They did. And you never ever learned. Yes, you were a child, yes, my mother was a master manipulator, but Snow, you CHOSE to share a secret you had promised to keep, and the consequence was the death of someone I loved with all my heart. You said wanted a new mother, Snow, and your eye fell on me, but have you ever once wondered what my life was like. Maybe not as a child, but later, when you grew up, when you got to know life? Love? Because, in the end I was no mother to you. I was your doll. A life size playmate for you, for  _him._  With all your good intentions, Snow, with all your love and sweetness and naivety, that was the consequence. I was broken, there was nothing left of me. Just a doll with someone else pulling the strings. How could I not hate you? How could I not envy the freedom you had? And at the same time, how could I not love you? Your love, so freely given, imprisoned me, and yet I couldn't get myself to NOT protect…'

The sentence broke as did her voice, and she shook her head to rid herself of the memory, trying to catch her earlier train of thought.

'And, now, you say you've learned. But just before, in the cave, you throw around words like love, and you call your daughter amazing, and you say all these wonderful things, only to add that it is not enough. That  _she_  is not enough. That  _because_  you missed her, you want to try again. You don't take responsibility, Snow. You never have. Mary Margaret, maybe, but never Snow. In the Enchanted forest, you only killed  **because**   _I, The Evil Queen_ , started a war. Then you were  _forced_  to give up your child, effectively making her  _your_ savior,  **because**  of the Dark Curse? Or was it  **because** Rumplestiltskin told you to? And now you want another child  **because**  the chance of raising Emma was taken from you… Do you see a pattern here?'

'Regina…'

Charming's voice echoed through the clearing and she jerked back, but what startled her most was not the booming sound but the fact that he had appeared even without her noticing, behind Snow.

'No… David… No.'

She spoke to him softly, and the smile she offered him was slight but resolute and, Regina thought, slightly cold… Was his confession the reason Snow did not give in to the comfort, the protection of her husband? Actually, much to Regina's astonishment, she didn't even give in to his support, and simply waved him away before turning around, facing the other woman once more.

'She's right.'

It was only Charming's facial expression that made her believe she'd heard the softly spoken words correctly.

…

She saw the redheaded woman she vaguely recognized stumble, as if she wasn't quite used to…  _walking_ , actually. It wasn't dark, the floor wasn't uneven and she did not seem drunk. Otherwise there was no visible reason to be found for the woman's clear awkwardness with her own two feet. And somehow, in the strangest way, the explanation that she  _in fact_  wasn't used to walking, sounded amazingly possible.

Emma –Hey, she knew her name!- observed her from a corner of the room. A room that also seemed familiar and that reminded her of fire, bad smells and sheep, of all things. What kind of life did she lead anyway if she wasn't taken aback by stumbling, gorgeous women in basements smelling like sheep? And… The word came to her sudden, but she knew it was true even before it reached the conscious part of her mind. Magic. It also smelled like Magic.

Flasks, big and small, filled with sparkling liquids, were set in a cabinet behind the redhead, who wore a bracelet that casted a glowing, bright light. Many shelves held items she was pretty sure she had never seen before, but then again, she had only just remembered her own name. The red-haired woman seemed drawn to a corner. By Magic? By her bracelet? By both? Emma wasn't sure, but she just stood, unseen, taking in the scene before her.

The glow of the bracelet enlightened the corner that had seemed empty a moment before, but a lilac hue made the circle of objects visible. A small glass bottle that held a liquid, a small piece of fabric that might have been part of a riding blanket once, a ring, made out of what seemed 3 strands of gold, braided together. And those were just the few her eyes fell on, before she caught sight of the sparkling speck of light that hovered over the circle. It was mesmerizing to see how the little ball, moving on its own accord, wove a complicated, but, Emma knew it in her gut, logical pattern between the objects. The objects she knew that linked to only one person. That one person whose name she couldn't grasp but felt in her heart anyway. The person she knew, who was her home.

And then, she caught sight of the mirror, that stood behind the circle. The mirror that showed the dimmed reflection of a small leather bounded diary, a lock of brown hair, the red-haired woman who was obviously searching for something, and, Emma thought as she quickly stepped back into the shadow,  _her_. But just as she moved out of the way of a possible reflection, a ripple went through it, as if someone had thrown a stone and the mirror had been its goal and made of liquid. Emma felt it resonate through her, warm and emotional and the sensation made her want to laugh and cry, scream and moan. It hurt and yet it felt like this had been all she had ever dreamed of. As if she had been frozen and this was the warm bath to bring her back to life. It ached, but it would bring back something vital, of that she was sure.

From the corner of her eye, Emma registered the bright ball of light being broken out of its connection, and as she shivered, the ripple in the mirror intensified. She heard the redhead gasp, the first sound, she realized, she had heard the woman utter and then it all came rushing back to her.

The image in the mirror started to become recognizable and showed the darkness of a jungle, showed the despair of a search for a loved son.

Neverland… The beach, the mermaid, the cave, the confessions, Snow, David, the cage, the arrows. _Henry_. And then, it all came together in the show of hands, arms, legs, eyes, lips she had seen only moments before, now merging together in one person. One person, her features beautifully reflected in the mirror as she sat, protecting a blonde, sprawled out on her lap. One person who meant everything and linked everything together, whose name now resounded in her heart as she whispered it, tasting it on the tip of her tongue.

'Regina.'

…

''Gina'

_Well,_ _**that** _ _was new._

Emma mumbled it, tongue thick with what seemed like sleep, but didn't wake. She merely turned, her cheek grazing tantalizingly against inner thigh allowing Regina to tense at the sudden surge of arousal the innocent movement brought. She glanced around, self-consciously, suddenly aware that Emma's male suitors had been oddly absent, where, while she was awake, they had lingered around her like vultures would a dying prey. Oddly enough, now that she was unconscious, they kept their distance, Regina couldn't help but wonder about the reason. Was it Neal's cowardice, Hook's self-preservation? Or was it _her_  proximity to the blonde that scared the men away?

It seemed like she was in a bubble. A small part of the world where only she and Emma existed. And, of course, Snow. Not only Emma's mother, which already should make the moan she was trying to suppress highly awkward and inappropriate, but also once her stepdaughter, the woman who had, with the naïve actions of a child, broken her heart and ruined her life and who was seen as her arch-enemy, just to make it a little more confusing. And horrifying.

The rush of Magic she felt, grasping her wrist and rippling through her body, heightened her senses. The gasp painfully cut through her when Emma moved again, this time pressing the palm of her hand gently against her waist, pulling her closer, mumbling something inaudible again.

Trying to find distraction, she decided to break the tension, glanced at the pixie haired woman beside her and spoke the words that had been on her lips ever since she had seen the anger flash in those hazel eyes as they had flashed towards Charming. The anger, born out of despair, she herself was so familiar with.

'Dear, you are  _Snow White_. You are going to forgive him in the end. You might as well get over it now and not lose the time you are certain to have together. Go  _find_ him.'

'Ha! You're one to talk…'

Sometimes the woman was such a child. Regina couldn't help but roll her eyes, the vibration of Emma's movements still causing uncomfortably delicious sensations to rush through her. It was not just the lazy sensuality that oozed from the casual caresses, but the kaleidoscope of her deeper feelings for the blonde intensified everything.

'What was that now, dear?'

Snow's knowing eyes bore into hers, and for a moment Regina felt her heartbeat falter.

'When are you going to tell Emma, Regina? About the Pixie Dust?'

'That's entirely different and you know it is!'

Her voice was high-pitched and in panic as she averted her eyes and the childishness she had, only moments before, mentally accused the other woman of, now applied perfectly to her. Her hand was shaking as she rapidly pulled it away from Emma's body, desperately trying to find another way to occupy them than entwining in blonde locks, or stroking silky skin. A moan of protest instantly escaped the savior's lips and she had to suppress her own mirroring sound.

'Is it, Regina? Is it really? I'm scared. I'm scared and so are you. The difference between us is that I've tried and you? You just sit there and try to ignore it. Try to push it away. But do you think it's fair to not give her a choice at all?'

'You have no idea what you're talking about, Snow, just...'

At least some strength, some of the power had come back to her voice. The usual sharpness still fairly lacking in fierceness. But when she looked up and met the fire that were Snow's features, she knew that this was a battle she was going to lose.

'No. Regina, no. Maybe I don't. But what I do know is that you were hurt, I get that. Gods, Regina, I think we just concluded that  _I_ am one of the main reasons for that hurt. But that doesn't mean  _you_  get to sit back and not take responsibility. That doesn't mean you  _have to_  be miserable. You are not in that marriage any more. You are not the Queen anymore, Evil or otherwise. We both know that when it comes to this -When it comes to  _her_ \- I'm not the one standing in your way, YOU are.'

_You are your own biggest enemy, dearie…_

Rumple's taunting voice resounded in her head, but Snow's, spoken as calm and –dared she say- gentle as her own earlier, resonated deeper and hurt more than his snides had ever done. She couldn't reply, simply couldn't make the words in her heart form a sentence. She  _wanted_  to. But she wasn't even sure  _what_ it was she wanted to do. If it was storming off and escaping the pain of having to make a decision. If it was kissing the blonde in her arms passionately and standing the chance of rejection. If it was pulling up all her walls and hide behind them, cowering. If it was protecting Emma for every kind of pain. All the decisions that had seemed so logical before, now seemed unbalanced, their base pulled away from under them.

'I am… I… No, you don't  _know,_  don't underst…'

'Have you ever considered the possibility that perhaps, in addition to the fact that I am self-righteous and self-centered and I don't take responsibility. Have you ever thought that beside  _all_  that, maybe I could also be  _RIGHT_? That I could also see some things clearly? Because Regina, I've always seen those parts of you, you have lost sight of yourself. So maybe you should also see the fact that, just like not everything is  _Good_ , just because _I_  do it, not everything is  _Evil_ , just because _you_  do.'

And with those words, the woman covered her hand and squeezed it, before walking to in the direction of the man who was waiting for her. The man, Regina knew, she would now, after a short fight, forgive for his secrecy. And as he embraced her, she felt Snow's soft words reverberate through her soul and wanted to scoff at the woman's neverending, sickening optimism. But she found that she, oddly, could not fold her lips into a smirk as her eyes found the features of the blonde once more.

An utterly confusing lightness merged with the heaviness of the woman in her lap, who she couldn't help but hold onto just a little tighter.

…

That it was torment, not to be able to hear what the women were saying, was the first thing that sprang to Emma's mind as she watched Regina and Snow interact in the mirror. The step closer she had taken, instinctively, had revealed her to the red-head who now looked up in surprise.

'Emma!'

Ariel's voice sounded hoarse, probably thanks to decades in Gold's basement guarding… What exactly? And how the actual fuck had she managed to get from Neverland to Storybrooke? And more importantly, how was she going to get back? To Henry… To Regina?

'Why are you here?'

Well, there you go… Maybe  _that_  was the real question.

'I don't know…'

_Brilliant, Emma, really…_

Even her voice was ghostly, hesitant and suddenly the mermaid's eyes grew wide and lit up as she glanced behind her, the mirror still showing the image of Neverland, but at times slightly zooming in on one of Regina's facial features, making Emma inexplicably blush.

'Ohhhh, I think… Yes. You're not here.'

To emphasize her words, Ariel tried to grab her hand, only causing a small shiver to go through the blonde when she went right through what seemed skin, flesh and bone, as if she was no more than a ghost.

'What the fuck?'

Glancing back to the mirror, Emma saw herself once again, lying, twitching and shivering, in Regina's arms. The tenderness in the brunette's features made her ache and shake her head. This must be some stupid Mirror of Erised or something because Regina would never, ever look at her like  _that_.

'Well, then, if I'm not here…'

She turned to the mermaid once more, turning her back to the tantalizing image of what would never be.

'What the hell am I doing here?'

Ariel clapped her hands in enthusiasm, her face lighting up at the question.

'I don't know, but  _you_  do… You must need something that's here. Maybe you made a wish?'

The redhead looked positively giddy as she turned to the objects in the circle again, and seemed fascinated by the piece of cloth, picking it up, carefully. A small wave of Magic hit them, but in a different way than Emma was used to. In fact is was… In reverse. Where Magic always pushed her back slightly, this pulled her in, as if something imploded.

'What is it?'

'A piece of fabric, Ariel, nothing special…'

But then, the mirror showed a quick image, contradicting her words immediately. Regina, young, with a twinkle in her eye, an innocence Emma had never ever seen in her as she looked up to a young man who draped a plaid blanket around her shoulders to protect her from the cold.

'Wait!'

Hardly allowing herself to take in the image or its meaning, Emma felt, in her heart, what it was she had just witnessed. Small flashes lingered, allowing her to see Daniel (who else could he be?) fall at Cora's hand and Regina throw herself over him, tears and pain etched on her beautiful features, the plaid still covering her. Regina, older now, but still in the enchanted forest, in an enormous wooden (or was it golden?) bed, shaking, crying silently into an old blanket.

'Take something else.'

The lock of hair, bound together by a piece of yellow ribbon, made her feel the Magic in her gut as it pulled her forward, closer to the mirror which showed her now Storybrooke Regina, fussing around over…

The image made her swallow, but if she had been trying to swallow away her tears she was failing miserably. Henry, on toddler legs, obviously not steady yet, fell into Regina's arms as she pulled him up and made him fly into the air. Some of the innocence had returned into the pained features, some of the twinkle in those dark eyes. But one thing was completely there. The love. The love Emma had seen, so clearly, on the young Regina's face as it had flashed in the reflection, was now carved into the young mothers features as she played with her son. But then, fear flickered there, as she saw Gold approach. She couldn't hear what he was saying, but it was clear Regina protested profusely, pulling Henry out of the shop-owners view. But then… Emma could read his lips, the magic word she had requested from Regina in order to show the other woman her tattoo, and somehow, his simple 'please' seemed to change everything. It was reluctant, and all the muscles in Regina's body seemed taut and objecting, but within seconds it seemed she had cut a lock of her son's hair and handed it to Gold, who mockingly saluted her in gratitude.

'Holy hell!'

She stepped back, the impact of what she had just seen still trying to make its way into her brain.

'What is all this?'

'It looks like… Well, I've heard talk about it, but I never actually saw…'

'Yeah?'

'It looks an awful lot like a 'circle of life''

'A what now? Please don't tell me Scar and the hyena's are going to arrive now…'

Emma waved away Ariel's questioning gaze, wordlessly gesturing her to continue.

'It's also called the 'ring of obedience', if that's what this is… I mean, it could be. Mementos of all aspects of emotion. The hair of the one most loved, tears of grief, a symbol of hope. There is so much… And all linked together, strengthened by a Siren's voice…'

Ariel was pale, seemingly stricken by her own words as her eyes caught Emma's, alarming the blonde as well.

'What are you saying?'

'I'm not sure, I…'

The mermaid shook her head as the glow of the bracelet seemed to dim and her eyes narrowed.

'You should start to look around. You won't be able to touch anything except for the item you have come for. It's ancient Magic, Emma, trust me on this. I have to... Just give me a few minutes.'

Her want to protest against any delay dimmed together with the light of the bracelet and the memories of Regina's words about 'charging' the magical object. Time worked different in Neverland, that much was clear to her and without the Magic of the bracelet, which was obviously wearing out, Ariel would turn into a mermaid again. Even though it was incredibly selfish to think so, and it made her feel bad, the redhead was a lot more help to her with legs than with tail. Deciding to listen to the other woman's advice, she allowed her hands (her spirit's hands? Man, this was weird!) to slide through the objects in the circle.

Behind her, the mesmerizing voice of Ariel found a variety of musical notes that seemed impossible for human standards, (but hell, she was a mermaid after all!), producing a Magic of the pushing kind (she could just SEE Regina roll her eyes at her lack of ability to find a good description for it) she was so much more used to. The kind she had felt when she had slayed the dragon, kissed Henry, pushed away Cora or gave Regina back her voice. The other kind of Magic, the one she created with Regina, felt different. Merging, swirling, warm, as if she was soaking in a hot tub but without the relaxation that came with it. Because tension, a strong, taut and, she had to admit,  _arousing_ tension always raged through her when it came to performing Magic, intentional or not, with the woman she now knew she loved.

She watched in frustration as her hand slid through all the objects in the circle, not moving even a single speck of dust. Which then in turn made her wonder how it was possible to feel her jaw spasm in its clenching, when she wasn't even really there. Quickly pushing away the confusing thoughts on crazy-spirit-realm-jumping she turned only to find a broadly smiling mermaid facing her.

'Shit, sorry!'

The little giggle that exited Ariel's mouth had a strange effect on her, making her think of the way Regina's eyes had softened watching their son, or even the Emma of the mirror-image. Or more making her feel like she would when Regina would ever truly look at her like that. Melting, unable to utter a word…

'Why? It's not like you would have been able to actually bump into me, Emma'

'Erm… Yeah, eh… Good point.'

She averted her eyes, trying to shake the confusing feeling that was making her tremble.

'Did you find it?'

Shaking her head she looked up to a mermaid, biting her lip, which then made her think about Regina's full lips and how much she wanted to capture those with her own.

'Ok… I… I'm going to help you.'

Determent, with fierce eyes, Ariel approached and suddenly Emma felt the wave of Magic again as her arm and the mermaid's seemed to merge together, making it look like the blonde was the one wearing the magical bracelet.

A blue hue immediately merged together with a lilac one, so bright that when they collided it was almost golden. Like firework, a spark escaped, lighting up the basement as if it was the brightest summer day, before it found its way to one of the cabinets, opening it with a bang. A small grey box, adorned with rubies lit up, strangely similar to the way Regina had when the Pixie Dust had hit her. Emma felt a smile tug on the corners of her mouth as she remembered the sheer and utter joy she had felt, in the middle of all the horror that was Neverland, at that enlightened moment.

Her feet had already, on automatic pilot, carried her to the object and even before she reached out she knew she would be able to touch it. Still, she gasped as she felt the cold, hard sense of metal against her fingers while she lifted up the box.

'What is it?'

'I'm not sure, but if I bet Regina would know. She is one of the biggest sorcerers known in the history of The Enchanted Forest after all, she's even known in Atlantica, although of course the part of her taking my voice might have had something to do with that…'

At the mention of the brunette's name, Emma couldn't help but glance at the mirror, the reflection once again showing the Neverland jungle and Regina's eyes, moving from what the blonde imagined to be Snow, to the slumped form on her legs. The image was amazing, and Emma could almost feel the softness of Regina's thigh against her cheek, could almost feel the brunette's muscles tense against her skin, could almost smell the woman's scent, taste it, sweet, on the tip of her tongue…  _Almost_  being the key word…

She shivered and was amazed to see her reflection-self do the same, causing a tightening of Regina's jaw which made her reach out. As her finger, subconsciously, found the tense muscle and traced it, for a moment the blonde felt like she was really touching skin before a ripple in the reflective glass pulled her out of her reverie.

'What the…?'

She looked back at Ariel, who smiled at her knowingly and with a twinkle in her eye.

'I think you just found your way back to her…'

The blush felt hot on her cheeks and as she looked down, she heard the mermaid giggle again.

'Don't worry, it finds us in the strangest places… That doesn't mean it isn't true. You just have to trust it. Believe in it.'

'In what?'

'Love…'

Ariel's voice resonated through the space, filled it, is seemed, as it spoke the word that made her heart swell, beat in the rhythm of the timbre of it. Love… She loved Regina, and there was nothing she could (or wanted to) do about it. Even if (when) the woman would never love her back, she couldn't deny her heart this feeling, this sureness, that it had finally found its home.

And when her eyes found the mirror exactly at the moment that thought clicked into her mind, into her heart, filling her with a sensation she had always longed for and never dared to dream she'd feel, she saw how the surface of the reflection slowly started to vibrate.

'Regina…'

She muttered the name before looking back at Ariel, pushing the box into her pocket where it uncomfortably pushed against her leg.

'Don't worry. I'll break the circle. I'll make it right. You… Just… Go. Go Emma. Save your son. _Together_.'

Had she needed a push, the last word would have been the perfect one. But the pull on her heart was stronger than any Magic she had ever felt and as she watched her own restless form as it clung onto Regina as if the woman was a lifeline. Which, in the most beautiful and painful way, she was.

'Thank you, Ariel.'

The redhead merely smiled at the soft but genuine token of gratitude when she heard it.

'Emma…'

Regina's voice echoed through the basement, so tender and lovely that, to Emma, it sounded purer and more beautiful, its effect more powerful than the one Ariel had taken back. Her fingers found the reflection again and she couldn't help but follow the curves of Regina's face, feeling the silky sensation of the woman's skin under her fingertips as she explored them, sensing how the ripple intensified as she did. And then, as she allowed herself to look into those dark eyes and believe that, maybe, Regina could care for her, even if it was never in the way she craved, she let herself fall.

Knowing there would be someone to catch her.

…

  


TBC

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ps. I do realize that a Siren and a Mermaid are not necessarily the same, but for the sake of the story I took the liberty to make a Mermaid's voice contain amazing Magic and 'pull'. Hope I will be forgiven?
> 
> Reviews are the magic that feeds the muse ;)!


	21. The answer is blowin' in the wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Ariel's promise to break the 'Ring of Obedience' that must have controlled Regina, Emma 'returns' to Neverland. What is Regina's plan now that she is free to take her own decisions?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN-1: Soooooo sorry for the long wait for this update! Life and other projects kinda got in the way! But, 'dandy' as some of my friends affectionally call it, IS BACK. I hope you'll enjoy!
> 
> AN-2 Chapter-title inspired by the Bob Dylan song 'Blowin' in the wind.'

**_Earlier in the dandelion series:_ **

**Regina has asked Ariel to find the voice the queen has once stolen from the mermaid in order to break an age old spell that binds her. Showing her remorse, she gave Ariel her own voice, only to find herself in an immense amount of pain when the mermaid used it to apologize.**

_‘A mermaid’s voice has certain powers. Usually it’s used to charge, upgrade so to say, other spells. Sometimes to bind enchantments together. In rare cases it can even be used as a tongue binding curse. But mostly it just makes it impossible for people to speak about a certain event in their life. I’ve never before seen it been used to prevent them from saying a certain phrase, but I guess we have just proven that it can work like that as well…’_

_‘Every time I…’_

_The glance in Regina’s direction was obvious and the former Mayor braced herself to the impact the words would have on her._

_‘Apologize… Gods, look at her!’_

_She squirmed and trembled, her eyes closed as if that could prevent them from seeing her weakness and pain. She exhaled quivery, the lack of sound unnerving, and her eyes opened again at the sight of three pairs of them staring at her._

_‘Every time you apologize she is in that amount of pain?! You can’t apologize without pain, Regina?’_

_‘Actually, Snow, she can’t apologize at all. Now that it isn’t in her body, not connected with her heart, her voice is able to. But the curse will prevent her to ever speak the words. Although I think thinking them might provoke some sort of pain element.’_

**Then, as Emma finds her spirit self in Storybrooke while unconscious after Peter Pan’s torture, she encounters Ariel, making good on her promise, but also discovers more:**

_‘It looks like… Well, I’ve heard talk about it, but I never actually saw…’_

_‘Yeah?’_

_‘It looks an awful lot like a ‘circle of life’’_

_‘A what now? Please don’t tell me Scar and the hyena’s are going to arrive now…’_

_Emma waved away Ariel’s questioning gaze, wordlessly gesturing her to continue._

_‘It’s also called the ‘ring of obedience’, if that’s what this is… I mean, it could be. Mementos of all aspects of emotion. The hair of the one most loved, tears of grief, a symbol of hope. There is so much… And all linked together, strengthened by a Siren’s voice…’_

**After finding a small grey box, embedded with rubies, Emma finds a way to ‘return’ to Neverland by the means of a mirror, showing her Regina, holding onto her unconscious form.**

_‘Don’t worry. I’ll break the circle. I’ll make it right. You… Just… Go. Go Emma. Save your son. Together.’_

_Had she needed a push, the last word would have been the perfect one. But the pull on her heart was stronger than any Magic she had ever felt and as she watched her own restless form as it clung onto Regina as if the woman was a lifeline. Which, in the most beautiful and painful way, she was._

_‘Thank you, Ariel.’_

_The redhead merely smiled at the soft but genuine token of gratitude when she heard it._

_‘Emma…’_

_Regina’s voice echoed through the basement, so tender and lovely that, to Emma, it sounded purer and more beautiful, its effect more powerful than the one Ariel had taken back. Her fingers found the reflection again and she couldn’t help but follow the curves of Regina’s face, feeling the silky sensation of the woman’s skin under her fingertips as she explored them, sensing how the ripple intensified as she did. And then, as she allowed herself to look into those dark eyes and believe that, maybe, Regina could care for her, even if it was never in the way she craved, she let herself fall._

_Knowing there would be someone to catch her._

* * *

 

 

**Chapter 21: The answer is blowin` in the wind.**

Silence had captured the clearing while the group slumbered. Exhaustion had taken over when they had concluded they would not be able to take action until Emma, who was perfectly fine despite the fact she was unconscious, woke. Pan’s words, the ones Regina hadn’t caught, had been repeated to her and brought an odd reassurance that nothing would happen to Henry while they ‘rested up’ for the confrontation that would follow. She closed her eyes ever so shortly, the plan she had not shared with anyone yet, the only elements of surprise she would have left in her battle with Pan, unfolding in her mind’s eye. A smile tugged on the corner of her mouth. The boy had lost sight of one thing… She was a woman, a mother, with nothing left to lose and she would do everything in her power to save her son. The boy born out of the woman she now knew she loved…

Her fingertips moved slowly to blonde locks, stroking away the ones hiding the features she now could freely admire. Air escaped between parted lips when she felt the Magic, so easily building up at the lingering touch, forming small strings of connection between her and the woman in her lap. She gasped again at their color, the turquoise and lilac entwining in an enlightened hue, the sensation they evoked, so full of raw desire and yearning tenderness, pulsating through her with every beat of her racing heart. She felt their pull and with a shivery exhale, gave in to the temptation to touch  _just_ that little longer… To let her fingers explore the place where temple met cheekbone, caressing the soft skin in an act of the love she felt but would never speak. She trembled, finding the edge of the woman’s lips and her eyes closed lazily as she followed their shape, unable to tear herself away from the one holding her heart. They were as soft and pliable as she’d imagined, even more so to be honest and the moan building up in the back of her throat escaped at the same time she heard a similar sound coming from the blonde. It vibrated through her, the sound of it, the  _feel_  of it and the urge to just,  _just this once_ , lean in and press her lips against the ones they yearned for was so strong she almost convinced herself it was allowed, that no-one would ever know, that she could just  _give in._

But even when she did approach, her palm now covering the side of the woman’s face, thumb grazing cheekbone, her eyes darting to the mouth she so desperately wanted to claim, she knew she never would. A breathe of air crossed the inches between them as she whispered the name engraved in her heart, imagining the feeling of the true love’s kiss she would never experience.

‘Emma…’

Her eyes fell closed, the heaviness of her desire entwining with the bittersweet sadness sounding through her broken voice so clearly it physically hurt. But before she could cherish the darkness enveloping her, she felt the strong current of Magic hit her, the answer to her whisper brought to her in the breeze that accompanied it.

‘Gina…’

Regina’s eyes shot open and widened to find the turquoise, filled to the rim with the same emotions  she has allowed to the surface in her solitude. It took just a breath, shared, to come to her senses and she jerked back in her heartbeat that followed, the proximity she had craved before now agonizingly humiliating. But in her haste, fingers got entangled in blonde locks, seemingly reluctant to let go.

‘Gods, dear, I’m so sorry…’

Focusing on trying to free her protesting fingers from their silky prison she initially missed the whispered words, exiting her mouth so easily. The hand covering her wrist, elicited a glare which revealed the broadening, breathtaking smile that made her _see_  and whisper them again, in wonder, looking in the turquoise eyes so close to hers…

_She could actually say it!_

‘I’m sorry…’

…

It was a kind of hollow feeling in the pit of Emma’s stomach, the silence around them only broken by the whispered words freed into the cooling night air… She let her fingers slide over the ones entangled in her hair, but did not want, at all, to break away from this weird, yet kind of amazing, midnight embrace… Full lips were so close to hers she couldn’t help but glance at them, her newly realized feelings making her heart pound with a hope, only raged up by the softness in those brown ones.

‘Emma…’

The surprise and warmth in the hushed tone, she knew, was for the easily spoken apology and not for  _her_ , but still hearing Regina say her name would never be something she’d grow tired off. She felt that Magic pull again, the one she (or her spirit or whatever) had felt towards the mirror in Storybrooke and with the move that followed came the tug on her captured locks, making her grimace.

‘Just a moment longer…’

Breath caressed her forehead, making her shiver while she was pulled closer into the former Mayor’s arms. Her mouth turned dry instantly and she could almost feel her pupils dilate as the muscles of Regina’s thighs contracted against her abdomen. The moan that escaped, only drawing out another softly spoken apology, had nothing to do with pain… At least not the kind the brunette was obviously thinking about. The heat, spreading from the place where her hipbone met the junction of a thigh, however, was agonizing, throbbing through her in a dull ache, sharpening up with every slight movement. Her breathing grew faster as well as her heartbeat when fingernails carefully grazed against her scalp(she never knew  _that_  could be an erogenous zone, but,  _hell,_ right now it felt like  _everything_  was). And the  _smell…_  Not only of her Magic, which seemed to hang around and mix with hers as it surrounded them, but the sweet one that was just Regina…Her stomach did a strange flipping thing when she allowed her cheek to lean against the other woman’s stomach, the sensation of the black silk of the camisole in combination with the taut muscles almost making her cry out in the ripple of desire it drew out…

‘There… You’re free.’

Palms found her face, pulling it up and even though Emma knew it was, probably, just a means to push her away, the butterflies in her stomach did not care one bit about that explanation.

‘So are you, Regina…’

Even though she was referring to serious business. Even knowing she  _should_ want nothing more than to just explain what had happened in Storybrook, she couldn’t help herself. And just for a minute longer, she melted into the touch. Sliding her hand over the one covering her cheek she smiled at the woman who blushed, at her words or her boldness, she wasn’t sure, but DAMN, did it have an effect on her. It felt like the air was too thick to breathe in and all she wanted, all she _needed_  to find the oxygen her lungs were screaming for, was lean in and graze her lips against those plump red ones before her.

‘How do you…?’

The question, so visible in those deep, brown eyes was asked at the exact moment a slight move made the small box press painfully against her thigh, bringing her back to reality.

‘Know? I kinda… Well… I dunno  _what_  happened really, but I was  _there_ …’

She let her hand slide down, disappointment bringing the hollow feeling back to the pit of her stomach when the brunette’s hand was dropped as well. Pulling back a little, reluctant to say the least, she wished she could come up with an excuse to stay in these arms… Because they might not be the strongest pair ever holding her, she had  _never_  felt more safe.

Flashes of the things she had seen and felt before ‘arriving’  to Storybrooke came back to her. And it was the familiar fear, the urge to run, brought by the vulnerability of her memories and her unanswered feelings for the woman in front of her, that gave her the strength to tear herself away, sitting down next to  _her_. She  _did_  however, press her knee softly against the brunette’s leg, finding it impossible to break all contact and started to tell her story.

…

‘A circle of what?’

The words had pulled her out of her reverie which, she kept telling herself, had nothing whatsoever to do with the savior’s knee grazing her upper leg or the soft melodic voice carried to her by the night’s breeze… Neither was the rapid pounding of her heart due to the movements of those lips or the glitter in turquoise eyes. Even to herself the lies sounded bland.

‘Of ‘life’, Ariel said? Or something about obedience or some shit? ‘Gina, I don’t know what you’ve gotten yourself into but please, warn me if I’m gonna have to save your ass from some sort of angry, ‘Scar’red lion or something after we get out of here?’

A slight nudge was accompanied by genuine worry in those emerald eyes she found she couldn’t stand… A Ring of Obedience? She had  _wondered_  but never thought he would  _actually_  go that far… It was as if the wind picked up on her mood, suddenly blowing faster and colder as she searched her memories, pinpointing the moments where she had felt she had done things out of her own control, or the ones where she had felt she had broken free from invisible strings when she had made a choice. Was everything, her whole life, a lie? Every decision made for her by another? Her choosing Henry something she had been coerced into because  _he_  had wanted her to, because  _his_ enchantment had made her?

She shivered at that last thought, tears so thick they were impossible to shed clawing up her throat as she thought back to the rush of love she’d felt when he had been placed into her arms…

But  _that_  she realized suddenly, had not been something he would have been able to control. Had she refused, the age-old spell would have given him to power to decide _for_  her, but no enchantment could control whom she gave her heart to. Love, after all, was the most powerful Magic of them all…

‘Hey…’

The soft squeeze right above her knee did not only bring her back to the present, but also evoked a hot flash of desire to rush to her lower abdomen, leaving her trembling for entirely different reasons than mere seconds before.

‘It’s ok, now… Ariel broke it and, damn it, ‘Gina, if it’s the last thing I do I’ll make sure that creep never does something lik…’

‘That’s my line, dear…’

The anger spitting from the words made Regina reach out and place her hand on Emma’s, careful not to let too much of her Magic to the surface and failing miserably as the hues merged into their now familiar swirling color… It did, however, seem that her own Magic now was a shade lighter.

‘Huh?’

‘”If it’s the last thing I do…” is my line and, dear, it has _never_  worked for me. I… I appreciate your worry  _and_  your protective nature… You are very much the ‘savior’, in every sense of the word, it’s inside of your heart. A heart I don’t want you to darken even thinking about something like revenge. Especially on  _my_ behalf.’

…

Her muscles tensed up when she heard Regina refer to her as the savior and then that impossible little bit extra when she heard the brunette bring herself down  _again._

‘Right, because you’re not worthy, right? For fuck sake, Regina! If someone would have just opened their goddamn eyes somewhere along the line they might have actually  _seen_  how screwed you were? I mean, what  _is_  all this shit? Magic to make you obey? A Fairy Godmother making deals? As if a heartless mother and a dead fiancé isn’t enough? And then, when someone wants to help, when  _I_ want to help, all you have to say is you don’t want me to worry my pretty head about it, or what? Jezus Effing Christ!’

Dark eyes twinkled, the stars visible in them, taking them in until it made her swift uncomfortably.

‘I don’t think I ever complimented your looks, Sheriff…’

The words, which could have been sharp as a sting had they not been laced with a teasing warmth Emma never had heard in Regina’s voice before, were joined by the most breathtaking smile known to man. The blonde wouldn’t have been surprised if the sun had risen, just to try and compete with it (She was  _very_  sure it would have lost). But it were the chestnut eyes that made her gasp, the way they searched her form, an intensity in them that made the look feel like a touch.

A touch then realized when two hands suddenly grasped her own, making her vibrate with Magic and let out an ungraceful ‘OOMPF’-like sound as she felt the irresistible pull towards their owner.

‘Emma…’

The eyes were serious, all of a sudden and even in this grave state radiated a beauty that seemed to grow with every blink!

‘It was never my intention to come across as such,  but I indeed have to admit I do not want you to  _darken_  your ‘pretty little  _heart’_ for  _me_ … Emma. Emma, look at me.’

A delicate fingertip found its way to her chin, forcing her angry, averting eyes to find the ones before her again. And then, she saw it, the tenderness she had thought to see in Storybrooke, in the mirror.

‘He is my little prince, he’s all I have and I just can’t afford to lose sight of him. Pan? He is vicious but I do think we have the upper hand, the advantage that we have something we  _actually_  worth fighting for. So perhaps , for once, I can actually CHOOSE   _not_ to focus on the wrongs done but on how to make them right… And I need you. We can only win this if we work together, and I… I have faith in your heart… In you.’

_I need you._

The phrase resounded in her mind and echoed through her heart. She saw its truth lay in those eyes, making her, maybe for the first time in her whole fucking life, believe she could actually _do_  something, just because this woman believed she could. It made her  _want_  to be the savior, just to make her look at her like that again. It lessened a little, the tightness of her muscles, there since Henry had been taken, there since she had proven to herself yet again what a major fuckup she was. And she realized that for the first time, when someone asked something of her, she was not afraid she was going to  _want_ to run. A feeling that always came and always made her feel like a terrible person. But right now, looking into Regina’s eyes, seeing the trust radiate from them, it did not weigh her down but light her up. And she knew, there was nothing left to run from, because she had found the place she wanted to run  _to._

But before she could even think of giving in to the urge to take the hovering hand in hers and kiss its fingertips. Before she could tell Regina how she felt. Before she could say she was exactly where she wanted to be… They had a son to save!

…

The invisible yet surely rising sun brought back the suffocating warmth that made Regina long for the breeze she had cursed only hours before. She had used some of the seemingly endless stream of Magical energy flowing between her and Emma to conjure up some more blankets, covering them in the earlier chilly night air. She had marveled over the soft lilac of the cloth, wondering if the pale color was due to the way her Magic combined with Emma’s or the breaking of the enchantment which had contained her for so long. Tiredness weighed heavy on her shoulders and eyelids but still, the few moments of sleep she must have gotten, were more than she had anticipated on. Waking up with her cheek lying against Emma’s upper arm had been horrifying as well as delightful and if she closed her eyes she could still feel the strong muscles flex against her skin and see the turquoise eyes flicker with something she was terrified to define. She knew the woman had not slept,  _sensed_  in a way that she had been looking out for  _her_.

They swirled in her lower abdomen, the conflicting feelings of hope and dread, of pain and yearning. But she could not give in to the emotions overwhelming her when looking into those gorgeous eyes. Because not only did ‘Operation Henry’  require all her attention, there was the matter that, despite the fact that now, perhaps, a constricting enchantment had been broken, her life was not her own. Her fate had been sealed a long time ago. And even if The Dark One could no longer control her decisions with Magic, there still was Pan… There still was Neverland, where she, Regina, was the key.

A key, she knew, that would most likely break in the lock.

‘Emma!’ 

The roll of her eyes at the motherly, extensive portrayal of ‘fussing’, was caught by turquoise ones, which twinkled as they captured hers over Snow’s shoulder.

…

The hug was almost violent in its intensity and Emma felt her muscles tense up, in an entirely different way than before when she had supported a sleeping Regina.  _Then_  the contractions of her muscles had had nothing to do with the awkwardness washing over her now.  _Then_  it had been because of the way the sharp, pained features melted into innocence. Because of parted, plump lips she wanted to explore with her own… Fuck, how could the brunette be even more beautiful than she had already thought?

Patting her mother’s back in what she hoped would come close to a daughterly way, she quickly answered David’s grin before finding those eyes again. The chestnut eyes she couldn’t seem to be able to tear herself away from. Their owner had stepped back, allowing the others to swoop in and surround her, asking questions, checking if she was ok… Positively suffocating attention she had never gotten used to and she doubted she ever would, despite the fact that she had thought she’d craved it as a child. Maybe she was too old for this shit. Maybe she was too set in her ways to change.

But despite the pang in her chest when she thought back to her parent’s confessions in the cave, she tried to show herself, tried to not hide behind the mask she had worn for so long. Tried to go along, even if only for a moment, with their stream of loving care. Because soon, she knew, she would not have a chance to roll her eyes at it.

The thought of her parents staying behind on this godforsaken hell-hole of an island burned in the pit of her stomach and she did the only thing she knew would help her handle the empty feeling. She only breathed again when she allowed her eyes to find the deep brown pair, glancing at her from the edge of the group, which seemed to be some sort of fucked up reference to where people always placed the once Queen.

‘So yeah, as I was just telling  _Regina_  before…’

_Who saved my freaking ass spilling her secrets to Pan in case you all haven’t noticed?!_

The unspoken words kind of must have resounded through her voice, because she saw her  _mother,_  of all people, glance back and share what seemed like a look of understanding with Regina, who honest to god  _blushed_.

_What the actual fuck?_

She hardly paid attention to the story she was telling, but still enough to make sure she would not, accidentally, spill one of Regina’s secrets (sure hoped  _that_  wasn’t a genetic thing) and hesitated when she came to the part she hadn’t shared with her son’s other mother yet.

Maybe, if she hadn’t been so focused on the beautiful brunette, she would have missed the widening of her eyes and the step in her direction when she pulled the small grey box out of her pocket. Because the telling movement was almost immediately covered up when a response came out of the direction she had least expected.

‘Pandora’s box?’

Neal grasped for the object, but she jerked it away from him, a protective instinct, in the weirdest way, kicking in.

‘Don’t give it to  _her_!’

Hurt flashed over the gorgeous features of the woman who had slowly approached, but was quickly replaced by practiced haughtiness when she glared at the man who had spoken the words.

‘I think I will be quite safe, dear, thank you for your  _concern._ I understand with  _genetics_  such as your own, one feels compelled to fear the consequences of opening this box, but I can assure you, the darkness of your soul, or even of your father’s, is  _nothing_  compared to Pan’s.’

…

Regina knew the man’s outcry had had nothing, whatsoever, to do with  _concern_ for her soul and absolutely everything with fear for what The Evil Queen could do with such a powerful object. She had, involuntarily, reached out for the ruby-covered box, feeling the strength of its Magic lure her in. But now, as if stung, pulled back, a coldness enveloping her heart at the idea what she would have indeed done with it, in the height of her reign. Would she have used it to hurt, to _curse_  the woman who now still, after everything that had happened, had seen the good in her? Or would she have lashed out at others? More innocent lives taken in her search for a revenge, which had left her hollow and cold? They swirled before her, images of decisions taken, some willingly, or so she had thought, others she had fought against until they had seemed the only possible path, the only road left to travel. At a certain point, she had simply given in. She had surrendered to the anger and the hatred, had yielded and stopped swimming up against the stream.

‘So, what  _does_  this thing do?’

‘When opened, the box can be wielded against an enemy, dear. It can unleash  _or_  absorb the greatest darkness. This, Emma, can capture a soul consumed by Evil. It can only be freed under certain conditions, and if it’s not, it will be trapped in there forever.’

‘Are you saying we can use this against Pan?’

Regina couldn’t help but roll her eyes at David’s words. Never the sharpest tool in the shed, that one. And _that_  despite the fact he’d been raised on a farm.

‘Yes, dear. That is exactly what I am saying.’

‘Right and we are just  _supposed_  to believe you?’

_He_  muttered it, the  _coward_ and she felt the anger rush up and heaten her cheeks. Her emotions had started to intensify ever since Emma’s return and it felt like she constantly was struggling to regain some sort of control. Her anger, her fear, her  _love_. All of it oozed out of her heart and rushed through her veins in burning agony. She clasped her hands into fists, making her fingernails find her palms and relished the grounding pain the familiar movement brought. She closed her eyes and inhaled slowly, something rudimentary and strong racing through her. She smiled when she recognized what the sensation reminded her off. Riding Rocinante. The freedom of the reigns in her hands leading her where she wanted to go. Breaking the circle seemed to have released Rumple’s grasp on her and now, the liberty to make her own choices was overwhelming if not terrifying. She felt like her strings had been pulled for so long, however, she now had trouble moving on her own. How long had it been since she had had the choice whether or not to act on her emotions? She felt the fire of her Magic flicker between her fingers, connecting and building from her anger. But as she shook her head and exhaled, thinking she should save her energy to find Henry, the surge of enchanting energy her love for him evoked had such strength, it physically pushed her back.

‘Right… Maybe you should have asked yourself that question when a motor-biking stringpuppet came along!? But naaaah, don’t trust  _Regina_? Cause she just fucking saved us all for like the hundredth time last night.’

Her eyes caught the turquoise pair as they shot open and she realized the Magic she was feeling was not solely her own. Emma radiated it as she glanced at her, fierceness and tenderness creating a thick heart-stopping mix in that one gaze before she looked back to the man she was addressing .

‘She is looking for  _our_  kid. And then, Neal, I mean hers and mine. And she would never do ANYTHING to jeopardize him. SO YEAH, you’re supposed to believe her. If you wanna find Henry that is…’

Avoiding Snow’s pointed look she stared at the soft hand enveloping her wrist, effectively pushing the cold, silver box in her hand. The box seemed to start to heaten and glow the moment it met her palm. The Magic created by her strong love, not only for her son but also for the woman who gave birth to him, sparked and enlightened the path her mind had taken while hearing Emma’s last words.

…

Geez, she might as we start to make kissing faces and googly eyes at the woman, it would probably be less embarrassing than this constant stream of Magic giving her away. If Emma had learned _anything_  it was that Magic and emotion were pretty much the same thing. And wasn’t that the truth! Every time she came close to touching Regina, the blue mist became thicker, urging her to get on with it already. She felt the blush heat up her face and cursed her light skin when she was suddenly hit by an overwhelmingly strong wave of emotion, coursing through her. It filled her with a delicious longing ache she knew could only be taken away,  _fulfilled_  by one woman,  _this_ woman. There was desire and tenderness and longing and  _love._ So  _fierce_  and so much of it, the sheer force almost made her stumble back. But she stood her ground, allowing the foreign feeling to fill her up and trusted on her instincts when the strong current (Of emotion? Of Magic? Or were they _really_  just one and the same?) told her where it wanted to go.

The tingling sensation shortly burned, reaching apparently its destination and her eyes widened when they caught sight of the fire in the dark pair in front of them. All of it, all that had taken over her senses, laid mirrored in the deep brown ones, more alive and fierce than she had ever seen them.

She saw something unravel in the dark dots in their center, as if she could see and hear the woman’s thoughts as her own, but before she could even grasp the flashing images, Regina tore her eyes away.

‘Yes… It’s time to find our son, Emma. And  _this_  will lead the way.’

Fingertips against her hipbone, where the burning sensation surged up, created a heat she’d never felt before.  Obviously, clothes were no match to the touch, because it seemed like she was going to explode, or at least fucking catch fire right here in front of the gorgeous brunette. The air thickened and the world seemed to revolve in slow-motion, darkness inching in from her peripheral view until all that was left was the woman and the throbbing ache radiating from her touch.

Emma found she could only, shivery, let out the breath she had been holding, when Regina broke the contact. She wasn’t sure whether to sigh in relief or moan in protest over the sudden lack of touch. But then gasped when she felt fingertips graze her skin, pulling away the barrier of textile. She choked out the name, the word tasting delicious on her tongue but broken off in a whimper when her eyes caught sight or a slender finger hooking behind the waist of her jeans and pulling it down slightly. The immense urge to scream out in pleasure almost overwhelmed her, only controlled by the surprise of seeing her dandelion-tattoo come alive. It sparkled, the black ink turning into bright gold before reflecting what seemed like a palette of colors merging together.

But all thoughts of color and rainbows, all thoughts of  _anything_ really, came to an end when Regina kneeled before her and traced the edge of the flower with the tip of her finger. Their eyes met Emma could see nothing else than the lilac swirling in the brown, filled with everything she herself now felt and would never be able to put in words. Even without being touched at the usual needy places, her trembling body felt like it would soon reach the highest yet most embarrassing peak ever. And just when she thought could not be any more on edge, the throbbing between her thighs couldn’t possibly get any more intense, it was yet again Regina proving her wrong.

So wrong…

The simple rush of air as the woman blew, grazed her skin in a soft caress. She melted into the sensation, her heavy eyelids nearly closing when she saw it happen. The dandelion seeds, once upon a time inked in her skin as to give her roots, started to shiver. Some were freed by the wind created by  _her_  breath and hung in the air between them for a moment. Small kaleidoscopes of color brightened the brunettes face as she looked up and smiled, blowing again.

She watched their reflection in Regina’s eyes, the seeds creating an enlightened path and waiting for them to follow. Doing what she herself had always longed to do. What, maybe, she was doing now.

Finding their way home.

…

TBC

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-N: Please review! Your words are like magic!

**Author's Note:**

> Would love to find out what you think!


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